Part One: The Souz Chef Battle

The judges bring in an eclectic group of chefs to compete for eight souz chef positions: four for Sarah and four for Paul. Two are Master Chefs, six are previous Top Chef Season 9 contestants, and three are contestants who didn’t make it into the top sixteen during those first couple episodes. Remember Tyler Stone, the cocky dude who couldn’t butcher a piece of pork? Yeah, he was there. After the souz chefs cook for 45 minutes, Paul and Sarah choose their underlings based on what dishes they like. Paul ends up with Malibu Chris (who Sarah says is so hot, she can’t cook around him), Keith, Barb Lynch (a Master Chef), and Tylor Boring. Sarah chooses Nyesha (master of sauce-making), Heather, Grayson, and – get this – Tyler, the young whipper-snapper.

“I’m not letting you butcher,” says Sarah.

Please do, Sarah, because then this show would be off-the-charts funny.

Part Two: Paul vs. Sarah

This is Restaurant Wars all over again. Both of the final contestants must operate inside two of Canada’s finest restaurants, create a four-course menu, and prepare to serve 100 guests in one evening. Everything needs to be perfect because THIS WILL DETERMINE THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. Just kidding. (They think so, though.) Sarah aims to create food that’s totally outside of her comfort zone, while Paul’s sticks to his comfortable Southeast Asian roots.

Sarah’s got herself a great team of gals she can count on, but that Tyler kid keeps getting in her way with all his ‘expertise.’ All the girls are stirring, stirring, stirring like madwomen while Tyler’s off in La La Land. This is when Grayson steals the entire show by busting out the best line in Top Chef history: “We’re just gonna jam out with our clams out while Tyler does whatever he does.”

Meanwhile, Paul’s struggling with a team that knows very little about Asian food. He’s going to have to train them on everything. Time to step up to the plate, boy. Paul takes charge of the kitchen, earning him deep respect from Master Chef Barb who’s proud to work under him. Wow. With two hours left to go, huggable Keith finds out that the crabs taste a little funky because they were sitting over night. There’s no time to freak out, so Paul immediately switches to the back-up prawns that he bought at Whole Foods earlier. Whew, crisis averted.

Part Three: The Service

Sarah’s menu:

1st course
Pasta with prawn tar tar

2nd course
Rye bread-crusted steel head trout with fennel and beets

3rd course
Brasied veal cheek with crispy sweet breads

4th course
Hazelnut cake with white chocolate ganache

Paul’s menu:

1st course
Chawan mushi with edamame, pea shoots, and prawn

2nd course
Lu de mer with clam dashi

3rd course
Congee with uni, kale, and smoked albacare

4th course
Coconut ice cream with puffed rice and foam

Problems: Sarah’s fiance finds some bones in his fish, and huggable Keith overcooks the second batch of Chawan Mushis. Ugh. I don’t care how much Keith resembles a bear; he just ruined Paul’s chances of winning Top Chef.

Part Five: The Judges’ Table

It’s around 5 am. The chefs’ friends and family surround them in a semi-circle. Sarah’s crying and Paul looks like a lost puppy. Tom is a huge fan of Paul’s execution, but the second batch of Chawan Mushis weren’t jiggly enough. Padma thinks Sarah’s white chocolate ganache was the best dessert she’s had on Top Chef so far.

“There were strokes of genius,” a judge says about Sarah’s menu.

Another one claims Paul’s dinner was a “sexy meal.”

Then something spectacular happens. Padma looks Paul dead in the eyes and says, “Paul, you are the winner of Top Chef.”

At this point I am jumping around the room, fist-pumping like crazy, and I just barely miss seeing everybody cry at the end. Paul’s crying, Sarah’s crying, Paul’s parents are crying, and his girlfriend is crying. Who isn’t crying? And somebody please tell me I’m not the only one who did a jumping tour de force. Now, if Paul only wins that James Beard award, I swear my life will be complete….

[Sorry this is late. I keep getting distracted because Paul Qui is posting creepy photos of fish here and here on Twitter. Yeeea, Paul, I "sea" you.]

It’s down to the three amigos: Pretty Paul, Stinky Sarah, and Lame Lindsay.

Good thing Bev’s gone because this trio has to cook Asian food inside Vancouver’s Chinatown for the Quickfire Challenge. “Asian food is not my forte,” says Sarah. Naw, really? All I’ve seen you do is make pasta and fish. You are lucky Bev isn’t here to whoop you with some of her braised short ribs.

Jump for more cans of whoop @$$.

Part Uno: Quickfire Challenge

The judges bring in Top Chef Masters Anito Lo, Floyd Cardoz, and Takashi Yagihashi to help the three remaining chefs cook inside Bao Bei Chinese Brasserie (translation: “My Precious Treasure Chinese Brasserie”… horrible, horrible name). Each Asian master is paired with one of the cheftestants, and they must take turns cooking inside the kitchen for a total of 40 minutes without consulting each other on their Asian-influenced dish. Even though Sarah loves Takashi so much that she starts bawling the moment she sees him, she’s stuck with Floyd C., a Master who’s never won a Quickfire challenge. Too bad for Sarah because Paul gets Takashi, which is truly a match made in Japanese food heaven. Lindsay and Anita pair off, but we don’t really care about them…

With an “okie dokie” from Takashi, the teams are off and running. Seriously, could Takashi’s accent get any cuter? I DON’T THINK SO.

Linita (Lindsay/Anita) cook a scallop in three parts with bok choy, chili, and roe. Pashi (Paul/Takashi) decide on a mirugai, which is a geoduck (not a clam, Paul), but the Uchiko execuchef adds too much spice at the end. Sloyd (Sarah/Floyd), the underdogs, are on the same wavelength and whip up a nice coconut curry with crab, even though Sarah’s “comfort level with curry is a zero.” Despite her initial discomfort with the challenge, Sarah ends up taking home the $20,000 grand prize, and Floyd wins his first Quickfire ever. We’re happy for Floyd, but Sarah really needs to pack her knives and go in the next elimination round.

Part Dos: Elimination Challenge

The producers at BRAVO probably got a ton of crap for holding the last Top Chef: Texas episodes in British Columbia, so they decide to incorporate Texas back into the show….gee, thanks. Each chef has to create one dish and one cocktail for the Fire and Ice Cocktail Party where 150 of Vancouver’s elite will gather to try dishes that have a fire (Texas weather) and ice (not Texas weather) component. Within five hours, the cheftestants have to brilliantly whip up a dish that’ll impress the judges AND feed a small country. “It’s gonna be a shit show,” says Paul.

The three amigos are definitely in the weeds. While Lindsay’s juicing her tomatoes, she says, “I think if I literally cut my fingers off, I’d keep going.” Can anyone else smell the desperation? Sarah, though, is off in her corner, making pasta from scratch and smack-talking like the stink bomb she is. Even her closest friend on the show, Lindsay, isn’t safe when Sarah says that Lindsay’s “playing it safe” with her halibut over celery remoulade.

Part Tres: The Judges’ Table

Surprisingly, Sarah turns out to be right for the first time in her life. Lindsay’s tomato-themed dinner didn’t impress the judges conceptually, while Sarah’s Agrumi cocktail did. The frozen sauce on top of Sarah’s cannoli stuffed with five greens, however, prevented her from taking home the trip to Costa Rica for two. Paul’s play on lobster bouillabaisse with king crab wins him (and his girlfriend, probably) a tour of fair trade coffee in South America. What a lucky man.

Everyone’s sad that Lindsay has to go home, but really, Sarah’s quite happy on the inside. “I always knew it would be me versus Paul,” she gushes. Wow, Sarah, you’re the biggest sneak. I hope you also know that Paul’s going to beat your pasta-making self in the finale. Bring. It. On.

If you missed this episode, boy do I feel sorry for you. Bev kicked a lot of @$$.

Crazy BRAVO, I guess, was tired of hot-weather Texas and decided to see if the Top Chefs (Paul, Bev, Sarah, and Lindsay) could survive in the frozen tundra of British Columbia. They might as well have been in Siberia. All the chefs, sporting longer hairdos from a couple months off, immediately start hating on Bev the second they reconvene inside Whistler Olympic Park. Sarah’s resolution to “be a really nice person” (… right) turns into a big flop and outcasts Bev from the start. When the final four meet the judges again, Padma begins to explain their elimination challenge, The Culinary Games, which is split into three parts. At the end of each round, one person must die. (Kidding, kidding. Too bad this isn’t “The Hunger Games.”) The winner of each round wins $10,000 and a guaranteed spot in the final three.

Let the games begin!

Round 1: The Gondola

Chefs have 22 minutes to cook a dish on a moving gondola. Paul gets motion sickness, Bev’s scared of heights, and Sarah can’t get it together. But we all know how important it is for the chefs to gain this real-life experience of cooking on a gondola, because one day, who knows, there’s a 0% chance they’ll have to cook for President Obama while he’s riding a gondola up Whistler Mountain.

Unfortunately, mean-natured Lindsay wins this round with her seared salmon and red quinoa. Bev’s salmon tartare comes in a close second, while Sara’s chorizo sausage earns her third place. Paul kicks himself in the foot for not executing his lamb loins with curried mushrooms the way he wanted. It’s okay, Paul. You can’t always be brilliant.

Round 2: Ice Blocks

Judges are preparing Paul, Bev, and Sarah for imminent climate change by forcing them to break big blocks of ice that hold their ingredients. The chefs have to chisel away like eskimos at iceberg sculptures before they can start cooking. Paul goes straight for the king crab that Bev wants, but he’s super duper nice afterwards and helps Sarah and Bev throw ice blocks onto the ground because they’re clearly struggle bus-ing. Apparently, being small and half-the-size of Sarah doesn’t prevent Bev from hacking away at her ice blocks like a madwoman. (I hope I never have to share the same room with Bev and an ice pick. She scares the hell out of me.)

Paul’s poached crab with mango chutney helps him move onto Vancouver (someone please tell me why the next episode is STILL not in Texas?), and Sarah’s “split pea soup gone wrong” means she has to battle with Bev in the final round of Culinary Wars. This, remember, is the last thing that Sarah wants. Despite her attempts to play nice, she has been making underhanded remarks about Bev the entire time. Just give up, Sarah. You don’t know how to be nice.

Round 3: Guns and Skis

“This is your last shot,” says Padma.

Bev and Sarah have to ski around a track, stop, and shoot a gun with only 10 bullets for their ingredients. Even though Sarah is feeling cocky because her family owns a lot of guns (Bev, watch out), Bev blasts Sarah to the ground with her skiing and rifle skills. Meek Bev fights like a tiger in the kitchen, whipping up a slow-roasted Artic char with beet compote while Sarah braises a rabbit leg and heart topped with cherries and sauerkraut. At the judges’ table, Gail Simons thinks Sarah’s dish is tough to chew, and baldy Tom notes that Bev didn’t cook Asian this time, but her dish was still overcooked. It looks like a close one.

Padma tears up for the first time this season when she tells Bev it’s time for her to go.

Goodbye, Bev

Sarah turns nice and hugs Bev as she says, “I’m so glad we got to cook together.” Fakkity fake fake. Somebody – preferably Paul – please take her out in Vancouver. That girl needs to go.

Michelle Obama cheers on the Red Team (Paul and Grayson)

[Ed. Note: Thanks to Carol for this report. Plus, she took all of the photos. She says: " Big cameramen were blocking me so I had to crawl under people and touched a lot of legs]

First Lady Michelle Obama made a pit stop in Dallas this morning to promote her project, Let’s Move! inside the basketball court of Kleberg-Rylie Recreation Center. Her three-day national tour celebrates the second anniversary of her initiative designed to combat America’s growing obesity problem.

“Healthy food can be good and delicious too,” said Mrs. Obama to a room filled with Nancy Moseley Elementary students, “And that’s what we’re going to learn today.”

As 110 kids cheered, BRAVO’s Top Chefs Paul Qui, Grayson Schmitz, Richard Blais, Fabio Viviani, Jenn Carroll, and Spike Mendelssohn cooked healthy and nutritional meals within a 30 minute time limit under the watchful eyes of judges Tom Colicchio, Sam Kass (White House chef), and the First Lady.

Jump for the play by play.

Tom Colicchio (left); Tom and Sam Kass (right)

Shiny egg-head Tom meets his brother-from-another-mother, Sam Kass – a fellow shiny egg-head. They stall the kids before the First Lady arrives, and their heads reflect all the light in the room.

First Lady Michelle Obama

Then the First Lady arrives and all the kids are fawning over her, of course. Who could dislike a woman who rocks J. Crew?

Red team: Paul and Grayson (left); Turkey bacon tacos (right)

Red Team: Paul Qui, Grayson Schmitz, Dallas Cowboy DeMarcus Ware, and two Nancy Moseley students

What they cooked: Elizabeth and Anna (the students) grabbed fresh cantaloupe and carrots from the ingredients table and started peeling and chopping like pros. Sweaty Paul and blushing Grayson (who is so photogenic, by the way) created turkey bacon tacos with fresh tortillas made in a baby oven. There was quinoa and slaw (made out of fennel, cabbage, and carrots) on the side. Grayson and the kids mixed skim milk with sweet melon to create a smoothie-like drink that the First Lady enjoyed.

What the judges said: “A lot of flavor for healthy food, but doesn’t taste like it,” praised Tom Colicchio.

Random: Paul wore skin-tight jeans while Grayson flirted with #94 Demarcus Ware. Future love couple, maybe?

P.S. The press release tricked me. Paul was supposed to be here, not Ed. Hmm. Does this mean Paul doesn’t win Top Chef? Must think about this…

White Team: Spike Mendelssohn, Jenn Carroll, Dallas Cowboy Miles Austin, and two Nancy Moseley students

What they cooked: Smoked pork chops with apple sauce, sweet potato, greek yogurt with whole wheat pita chips

What the judges said: “Flavors were good and not too seasoned,” said Tom, while Mrs. Obama told Spike and Jenn that it reminded her of comfort food.

DeMarcus Ware and other Cowboys cheer on their respective teams.

I got a little too close to blue team member, Fabio..

Blue team: Richard Blais, Fabio Viviani, Felix Jones, DeMarco Murray, and two students

What they cooked: Spiced turkey tenderloin, carrots, peas, and chocolate pudding with no chocolate in it.

What the judges said: Tom thought the dishes were rich and colorful.

Random: Richard Blais had Michelle Obama sign his wife’s birthday card, because his wife told him he couldn’t leave Texas without her autograph. What a smart wife!

The judges conferring.

Tom to First Lady: “Talk to the hand, not the face!”

First Lady: “No, I must speak to your egg-head!”

… just kidding. That would never happen. Instead, they discussed which team won the competition. Then Mrs. Obama announced that the winner was “Red, White, and Blue.”

Grayson toasts the kids.

Speech time.

Mrs. Obama made the following remarks: “As everybody here knows, this challenge is run by the Department of Agriculture, or the USDA as we call it. And it recognizes schools that meet the highest national standards for nutrition and physical activity — the highest standards. These schools are the schools that are finding creative, innovative ways to serve healthy meals and to get kids active. So it’s a twofer — it’s not just nutrition, but it’s also physical activity. And these high-ranking schools are doing it at a time when budgets are tight — and we all know that budgets are tight — and there aren’t a whole lot of resources to go around, again, which is why this competition is important, because schools are being asked to do so much more with less.

Right here in Dallas, more than 150 schools have been recognized in this challenge. That includes 78 schools that have earned Gold Awards, which go to schools that meet the highest levels of standards. And that’s more than any other school district in the entire country. Did you hear that? Dallas, you have more Gold schools in this district than anywhere in the country. And that includes schools like Nancy Moseley Elementary School!”

Richard Blais and student

Richard Blais – who’s already heavily involved with children’s health and nutrition around the nation – told us, “Mrs. Obama has inspired me to get involved in the local scene.”

Part 1: Quickfire/Asian Domination

Last week, the chefs realized that one of the losing contestants (either Bev or Grayson) would be returning through Last Chance Kitchen, which would increase their numero to cinco. Sarah (who looks like Austin Eater editor Andrea Grimes, don’t you think?) is noticeably disappointed when Bev walks through the doors to compete with the other four in this elimination challenge because tiny Bev is a fierce competitor. She is a beast.

Now three out of the five contestants are repping the Asian continent. I would just like to point that out. #minoritypride

Jump for more shenanigans.

Padma then tells the chefs they have to walk around with blindfolds as they’re gathering ingredients. They must use every single ingredient they pick up, and the winner gets to choose between a new Prius v or a spot in the final four. Poor Bev. Half of the time, she is nowhere near anything edible; and the other half, she is feeling everybody up. (Not a bad excuse to bump into Paul, eh?) Bev and Paul undercook their fish and prawn (respectively) while Sarah and Ed’s dishes stand out to the judges. Ultimately, the corn soup with red chili and peaches that Sarah whipped up earns her a spot in the final four. She declines the Prius v (dumb, so dumb..) and chooses to spend the rest of her day lollygagging instead of competing in the elimination challenge. LUCKY HER.

Part 2: Elimination Challenge

Tom and Padma introduce the next part of this saga: The cheftestants must create a dish that will please their mentors. Somebody cue the waterworks. As soon as the mentors file in, Paul spots his Uchiko boss of eight years, Tyson, and immediately turns into a blubbering fountain of tears. Eventually, all the chefs start crying as introduce their mentors to the judges. Then the mentors start tearing up too, and the whole situation just turns into a big gooey mess.

Nobody wants to make their mentor look bad at the judging table, so the pressure is on. Since there aren’t any fresh oysters in Whole Foods, Ed picks up pre-smoked oysters which everyone knows is a dumb move except for Ed because he’s stressing himself out. Ugh. While Ed’s in the kitchen cooking his stupid smoked oysters, he says, “I just hope I didn’t psyche myself out.” Double sigh. Bravo, please keep all the heavy foreshadowing to yourself. I don’t want Ed to leave.

Part 3: Judging Table

While Sarah is off frolicking with her mentor, Paul cooks a chilled sunchoke and dashi soup, Bev fires up BBQ noodles with a risky wok move, Ed makes braised pork belly with pickles, and Lindsay adds too much cream to her seafood stew with mussels and clams. When the judges realize Ed bought smoked oysters instead of fresh ones, Padma nicely tells Ed to “please pack his knives and go.” Oh, Ed. Whyyyy did you have to pick those stupid smoked oysters? It’s OK, though, because at least this means I get to see you tomorrow with Michelle Obama.

Episode 15 Preview

The fearsome final four are in British Columbia, cooking Canadian game in thick jackets and snow boots. Is anyone else confused? I thought this show was supposed to be about Texas.

If anyone knows how I can plant myself on that coveted RSVP list, let’s talk. I’ll pay you in almonds.

Pee-wee Herman stops by for a surprise visit.

PROLOGUE

Jonesy’s gone, but five chefs are left
In fair San Antonio, where we lay our scene.
It’s still unclear whose knife skills are best,
At least we know Ed sleeps in suits, not blue jeans.

Jump for the rest of sonnet.

ACT 1: QUICKFIRE

Padma stood in front of 80,000 pancakes (were they real??), which made a trip to IHOP look verrry tempting at the moment. But then a withered version of Pee-wee Herman showed up riding a red bicycle in his signature suit and bow tie – an ode to childhood memories – and thoughts of IHOP disappeared. The chefs made fancy schmancy pancakes for Pee-wee because they’re his favorite food. Grayson tried making a Minnie Mouse-shaped pancake, and Pee-wee (ever the nice guy) said, “That’s the best pancake I’ve ever had.” Then he repeated that same line after trying all five chefs’ pancakes, which made him the nicest judge on this planet. (Albeit, still a bit creepy.) Ed won the challenge with his burnt edges pancake, which did not look appealing in the least bit. Not at all.

Act 2: ELIMINATION

The chefs had to ride around San Antonio on red bicycles, buy their own ingredients, and bust into somebody’s kitchen to cook Pee-wee a family-style dinner that he’ll eat inside the Alamo. Sarah became a Lost Chef after getting her directions confused, but she still managed to steal Lindsay’s kitchen while Lindsay was out scavenging for… berries or something. Lindsay was pissed when her ONLY FRIEND, Sarah, betrayed her, and turned into a super witch (surprise, surprise) at the next kitchen she found. Meanwhile, inside a mansion kitchen, Ed was getting bossed around by this one dude and had to cook him two eggs over easy. Didn’t the dude know that Ed was competing on Top Chef? Wow, you just made yourself look like a douche on national television.

After all the cooking, the chefs had to bike their dishes over to the Alamo. Most impressive moment of the entire show: when Grayson balanced her chicken dish with one hand and biked with other. Hot dang.

The judges lounged inside the Alamo, tasting all the chicken dishes that the cheftestants prepared for Pee-wee. Dinner conversation sounded like an exchange between five-year-olds. We almost had to hide under a chair like Ed from all the maturity going around.

Padma: Now, when you think of the Alamo, what will you think of?

Pee-wee: Chicken.

Padma: I know you are, but what am I?

Pee-wee: I’m rubber; you’re glue. Whatever bounces off me, sticks onto you.

When the judges finally remembered how old they were, out came the criticisms. Sarah’s egg salad wasn’t well-seasoned, Grayson’s runny egg-yolk chicken was too big and overwhelming (just like that Wisconsin steak), Ed’s chicken was a tad undercooked, and Paul’s roasted chicken was one of the judges’ favorites. Lindsay won even though she had the least time to cook. Then Grayson got the axe for her Texas-sized portions.

But that wasn’t the end.

Up until this point, the chefs didn’t know about Last Chance Kitchen. They learn that the eliminated chefs had been competing amongst each other in order to rejoin the cast for the finale. Next week, the winner of Last Chance Kitchen (either Bev or Grayson) will be released back into the jungle.

ACT 3: EPISODE 14 PREVIEW

A scary clip in which Paul Qui is crying and mumbling, “I’m sorry.” Is he going home next week?? You can’t kick the Texan out of Texas!

The six cheftestants still standing are Paul, Ed, Grayson, Chris, Lindsay, and Sarah. With Beverly gone (I told you she wouldn’t be Top Chef), the chefs seem a bit more relaxed and easy going. They are having fun again. Padma, Emeril, and Chef Cat Cora greet the chefs for the Quickfire.

Hit it…

QUICKFIRE

This week’s challenge is to showcase technical precision in a race against the clock. They must peel, devein, and butterfly 2 pounds of shrimp, shuck a lot of corn, and make a pound of perfect fettuccine. Once they have completed their mis en place, they may begin cooking their actual dish. The chefs are divided into three teams of two:

Ed and Paul

Grayson and Chris

Lindsay and Sarah

Paul is joking that he is always bad luck for Ed. Lindsay and Sarah are excited to work together and Grayson and Chris seem to be fine with each other. Out of the gate Sarah and Lindsay are rocking and rolling and are way ahead of the other two groups. They complete their mis en place first and start cooking. Grayson starts to panic and rushes Chris. He’s probably pretending to be on another mystical warrior mission which is why he’s taking so long. Paul and Ed are laughing and having a grand ole time as they finish their mis en place second. Grayson is really riding Chris now and when they finally are approved to start cooking there are only about 8 minutes left on the clock.

The buzzer goes off! The chefs throw their hands up! Paul has completely forgotten to plate the shrimp!  Whoops. I brace myself for Ed to wig out on Paul and make a snide remark like he did about Sarah, but instead he laughs and pats Paul on the back. The Good Ole Boys Club is alive and well folks! The judges think their dish has nice flavors but they are immediately disqualified since one component is missing from their dish. Grayson and Chris pulled off their dish by the hair of their chinny chin chins. They served fettuccine with toasted corn poached shrimp, chili, bacon, and rosemary. Sarah and Lindsay are glowing. They obviously feel they have this challenge in the bag with their fettuccine with corn milk, shrimp, tarragon and parsley.

Cat, Padma, and Emeril make the rounds and taste each dish. They conclude that one team executed the dish exceptionally well and that team is Grayson and Chris. The underdogs prevail. Sarah, being the little ray of sunshine that she is, blames Cat’s dislike of tarragon as the only reason she did not win.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

“Your partner is now your opponent,” Padma tells the chefs. Ed and Paul start laughing. It’s almost like they aren’t taking this seriously anymore. Perhaps they figure they’ll be the last two standing so they’re just going to have fun until the other four eliminate themselves. Meanwhile, Ed is thrilled to go against Paul. He says if he has to go against someone he’d rather go against the best. Sarah is upset. She doesn’t want to compete with her best friend. Which is weird to me since Lindsay never seems to share the sentiment about their friendship. I think Lindsay probably kills Care Bears for fun so it makes sense she wouldn’t be overly sentimental. Grayson and Chris are indifferent – no surprise there.

Not only will the chefs compete against their previous teammate, they have to jointly decide what they will be serve and then each one will serve their own version of the same dish. The 200 guests attending the Healthy Choice Food Drive block party at Pearl Brewery will decide which the better version of the each dish. As if this wasn’t enough, Bravo got all excited again and decided to throw in another twist. Since the event is sponsored by Healthy Choice, the dishes must be healthy and low fat. The winner of this challenge will receive a healthy and fat sum of $15,000.

Off to Central Market (new sponsor!? although my eyes may have tricked me) the chefs go. Grayson and Chris have decided to do a chicken salad sandwich and a watermelon salad. Paul and Ed have decided to do an Asian kalbi with pickled vegetables. Sarah and Lindsay decided on meatballs and a vegetable salad. Everyone scurries in different directions and the Central Market employees are hustling.  The butcher shop is not prepared for six chefs in need of meat for 200 to hit the counter at the same time.  Down to the last minute Grayson is asking for her meat and just as time is running out, she finally gets her chicken. And just like any lady would do, she thanks the employee by saying not once, but twice, “you are the sh*t!”

SERVICE

After only two and half hours of cooking time, service begins. Grayson is making her sandwiches to order because she was worried about the bread drying out while Chris has premade his.  Ed has made homemade bread to serve with his kalbi, but Paul has chosen to serve his in a lettuce wrap.  Sarah and Lindsay have used different meats for their meatballs and are plating food as it is ordered.

Chris starts to freak out because there are bees all over his blending station. He says he swells up when they sting him so I’m assuming he’s allergic. Not just because that’s the obvious assumption and not because I am a nurse but because I am allergic to bees and swell up like the Nutty Professor if one stings me. I was very impressed by his ability to work in such conditions. You would have seen me screaming “I’m allergic!!” and then dust flying up behind me as I hauled ass out of there.

The judges–Tom, Padma, Cat Cora, Dana Cowin, Emeril–arrive for the block party. The first dish they sample is Paul’s turkey kalbi with eggplant and white peach kimichi. It’s a hit! Next they sample Ed’s version with short ribs served on an open face kalbi. The next course is the chicken salad sandwich. They find Grayson’s a bit bland and think her salad needs more acid but are impressed that she served the dishes made to order. Chris’s has good flavors but his bread is dried out. Next up the judges sample the meatballs. Lindsay’s Mediterranean meatball with lemon yogurt, black eyed peas, and a quinoa Greek salad is loved by all while Sarah’s Calabrese-style turkey meatball and vegetable salad was touch and go. Service was stressful for all of them but it was for a good cause and now it’s over.

JUDGES TABLE

Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay are the winners. There dishes beat out there opponents. But since there can only be one winner of $15,000 our boy, Paul’s skills hit a home run and he wins again. Chris, Ed, and Sarah are brought in for elimination. All had flaws with their dishes but ultimately, Chris’s premade sandwiches and dry bread were his demise and he was sent packing. I’ll miss that weird one. Live long and prosper, or however it goes, Chris.

No relevance: I love Nyesha. The chefs must use the ingredients in a mystery box to make a dish: lamb, marshmallows, pineapple, pine nuts, buttermilk, and parsnips. The second mystery box has radicchio. The third box has anchovies. Are these videos getting longer? Tom decides one chef did a much better job of weaving all the ingredients together and that chef is Beverly.

Loren Means has a lot of different jobs here at D Magazine. Only one is writing the recaps of Top Chef: Texas. I thank her for her volunteer spirit, especially since it appears the show has really gone downhill. However, she loved the lastest episode!  Now let’s get it on.

Mortimer, we’re back! For the first time this season we get an episode that feels smart, interesting, and on point. It actually feels like Top Chef of yesteryear. It was either a really great episode or my expectations have dropped so low that I am now easily impressed. I truly hope it’s not the latter otherwise I am getting as dumb as this show. The seven lucky cheftestants who have made it far enough to laugh with Eric Ripert and bump elbows with Charlize Theron are Paul, Ed, Chris, Grayson, Sarah, Beverly and Lindsay.

QUICKFIRE

The chefs are greeted by Padma and returning guest judge and chef, Eric Ripert.  The chefs immediately pan the room. “I see this conveyer belt in the back. I have no idea what’s going on but I know it’s going to suck for us,” Ed says. I really love Ed’s attitude. I’m serious! He’s sarcastic and dry and I appreciate that. His one-liners have made many an episode bearable.

Jump.

The challenge: the chefs have 30 minutes to create a sophisticated dish (finally something is sophisticated). Ingredients will begin to rotate on the conveyer belt and as time passes the quality of said ingredient will increase. The catch?  The longer one waits for ingredients, the less time they have to cook. Each chef must use at least three ingredients from the conveyer belt and then anything else they like from the pantry. The winner will get immunity in the Elimination Challenge.

Time begins and everyone scurries. The chefs all have different approaches. Beverly attacks the pantry first and just starts cooking figuring she can fuse conveyer belt ingredients in towards the end. Meanwhile, Grayson and several others are standing around the conveyer belt waiting to get their three ingredients. Ed panics and finally grabs macadamia nuts. Then sauerkraut loops around and he snags it because he loves it. Not a well thought out maneuver, pal. I think this is only sucking for you. Grayson also gets anxious and just grabs goldfish. Chris thinks Beverly is onto something and follows suit hoping he can start cooking and grab some great ingredients at the end. Sarah begins to think it’s a trick and that there won’t ever be any good ingredients so she snags saltines, cottage cheese and artichokes.

When a bucket of lobsters circles out Chris goes running for it. He gets to the conveyer belt just as the crustaceans are going through the exit and misses them. He stands there waiting for them to circle back. They don’t. “They took it off. Those f**king bastards!” he screams.There’s more cussing and bobbing of the tiny pony tail on top of his head and then he stomps off with a final “bastards!” A few minutes later we see the bucket back on the belt. Chris catches a glimpse of them and goes running but just barely misses them again. I’m laughing. I’m convinced they are messing with him and Padma and Tom are laughing their asses off. The angrier Chris gets, the funnier it gets. As they say, third times a charm, and Chris gets a hold of the lobsters just as they are about to disappear again.

Cooking time is up and it’s time to taste these concoctions. The stakes are high and Beverly is deflated. Her spiced Rice Krispies don’t make it on her plate. The judges taste her dish and then ask to taste it as it was intended to be served with the Krispies. Once all dishes have been sampled Eric reveals that Beverly would have won the challenge and immunity had she completed her dish. The runner up is Lindsay who takes the win for her spin on bouillabaisse. Ed jokes, “Beverly should have just cheated to get immunity. I would have just chucked it in the air and hope it landed on the plate.” I laugh because I can actually picture Ed doing just that. Lindsay’s win is bittersweet but at least she wasn’t in the bottom with Chris, Grayson and Paul. All chefs mutually agreed that they were embarrassed to be serving this type of food to the great Eric Ripert.

ELIMATINATION CHALLENGE

Charlize Theron struts into the kitchen and Sarah goes gaga like a 15-year-old girl with Bieber Fever. Charlize is apparently starring in a new movie called Snow White and the Huntsman in which she plays an evil, serial killer Queen. I don’t watch commercials or ever get to the movies on time so I‘ve never heard of this movie. Maybe I live under a rock. I just watched the trailer and annoying girl from Twilight just ended any intrigue I had of seeing it. I feel the same way about Hilary Swank. I’ve gotten off track.

The chefs must prepare a gothic feast fit for a queen. Charlize tells them: “Each dish should be wickedly beautiful. Think like an evil queen and take out your competition.” Charlize leaves the kitchen, and so does her cheesy role playing, so the chefs get to work. Beverly is getting after it and Grayson makes note: “She’s like a bulldog. That girl is tiny but she crazy.” What a perfect description.

If you did not watch this episode I recommend that you do. The ingredients, techniques, and preparation for this meal was actually fun to watch. I can’t do it justice but it is proof that when talented chefs are given inspiration and then complete culinary freedom, they excel. The creativity in this group is impressive. All the ridiculous games group activities we’ve seen this thus far have not allowed anyone of them to shine. I’m so happy for this moment – we see artists.

SERVICE

Sitting at the gothic-inspired table are Charlize, Tom, Padma, Eric, and Emeril. The venue looks cool and doesn’t feel gimmicky to me. Charlize is still role playing so technically the evil queen is at the dinner table. It makes me slightly uncomfortable and I’ve decided she may be a bit on the strange side.

The first course of the evening is Ed’s dish. Ed inspiration was evil vs. good and he has made a tuna tartare with black garlic ponzu sauce on one side and an Asian pear vinaigrette on the other side. The judges are impressed. They like the concept and Charlize says it’s so good she could eat it every day.

The second course of the evening is presented by Paul who envisioned a forest with good and evil.  His presentation was stellar. His dish of foie gras with bacon, pumpernickel, pickled cherries, and beets was served curved around the edge of the plate and in the center of the plate; he used beet juice to make a bloody handprint. Emeril was thrilled. “I love Paul’s dish,” he said. The sentiment was shared by all.

Up next, Beverly presented a beautiful plate but it completely lacked the theme of the evening. Although her halibut was cooked perfectly, she didn’t embrace the creative side of the challenge.

Following the snoozy halibut, Lindsay presented a seared scallop over “witch’s stew” and dragon beans. Everyone at the table was amazed by the smell and the scallop was cooked to perfection. Tom was really enjoying this dish. “This stew is so damn good,” he said.  Who doesn’t love a short rib?

Sarah is ready to serve her dish and said this is the most proud she had been of a dish all season. She chose to make risotto and stain it with wine as she thought the queen would enjoy blood soaked risotto with lamb heart. I have never had lamb heart but Charlize thinks it’s phenomenal. Anyone have any good lamb heart recipes?

Grayson who takes things very literally went the gruesome route. She served the guests black chicken with beets, quail egg, and foie gras. She left the claw on the chicken and tells the diners that she wanted it to look like the chicken was slaughtered on the plate and the egg represents the baby that was inside her. A quiet goes across the table as everyone is deciding if they are totally creeped out or intrigued. Once the dish is tasted, everyone loves the flavors.

Chris has created the dessert and final dish of the evening’s gothic dinner. We all know Chris has a soft spot for strange and gimmicky foods so this challenge is right up his alley. The dish is set down and Tom gets a huge smile across his face. “Oh, god. Awesome!” he says. In front of the judges sits a “poisoned apple & cherry pie” with a fake worm coming out of it. He then circles the table serving everyone a dash of apple powder that is smoking like liquid nitrogen. A+ for presentation, Chris. You’ve come a long way from your stuffed cigars. Everyone loves it.

JUDGES TABLE

The judges are discussing and conclusively decide that this is the best meal and best food they’ve had all season. Uh yeah, you actually let them use their skills, knowledge and creativity this time. It’s weird how that works. You can’t tell Picasso “no brush” and expect a masterpiece.

Because everything was so amazing, the judges are having a really hard time with their decision.  They felt everyone nailed it so they have to start picking each dish apart. They found Paul’s dish to be flawless as it was a beautiful plate and the food was delicious and he is the winner of this Elimination Challenge!  Ultimately, Grayson is called out for her salty greens, Beverly is brought in for a strange, sticky sauce and Sarah has once again, undercooked risotto. I’m torn. I feel like Grayson may go home because she seems to be consistently in the middle or on the bottom. I kind of want Sarah to go home because of her personality but I think she has skills so I’d like her to stay. I have finally found a soft spot for Bev so I don’t really want her to go either but she gets the axe. And it turns out, I’m totally fine with that. I’m tired of the crying. Although, I think this is the one time it’s justified. She almost won immunity in the Quickfire and lost the Elimination Challenge. That’s a real kick in the nards. That said, I think the six remaining chefs may finally make this season interesting!

LCK – Beverly vs. Nyesha

Nyesha sees Beverly walk into the LCK and laughs. She says she’s got this in the bag. Tom asks the eliminated chefs who are sitting on the sidelines which chef they are rooting for in this duel. Not a single chef chooses Beverly. The chefs will be preparing local flare, black drum fish. They will be allowed one trip and one trip only to the pantry to get every single item and ingredient they need to prepare their dish. Once they have returned to their stations and are ready to go, Tom yells “stop!”  They must abandon everything they have chosen and switch stations. They are forced to use the tools and ingredients the other chef has selected. Nyesha is visible irritated and feels that she has set Beverly up perfectly. Time is up and Tom tastes each dish. Both are good so it comes down to seasoning and Beverly takes the win. I think this irritates me more than Nyesha. This challenge was designed to get Bev back in. I can’t wait to see who she will be battling next week.  Who do you think we will see in the LCK next week?

I’m a bad editor. Loren Means turned in her report on Top Chef: Texas and I forgot to hit publish. Here’s her slice and dice take on Padma and her pals.

Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Restaurant Wars! In a real restaurant! Creative control and no lame gimmicks! Finally. Hugh Acheson and Padma are at the Palm Door with the eight remaining cheftestants. Hugh informs them that he wants to see a complete concept from name to design to menu. I love restaurant wars so I’m getting excited and the chefs are getting excited and… it’s boys versus girls. Ugh. Couldn’t they have just drawn knives? Top Chef, we’ve been together long enough for me to tell you this: you’re turning into a gimmick junkie and a sponsor slut. This isn’t a “it’s not you it’s me” kind of a thing. It’s you – you’re boring.

To add some suspense (I was on pins and needles, weren’t you?) Padma flips a coin to see which team will be cooking the first night.  The other team will have the luxury of having an additional day of planning as well as dining at the competitions restaurant first. The coin is tossed and the boys lose. Ty, Paul, Ed and Chris J. will be cooking the first night and Sarah, Beverly, Grayson and Lindsay will cook the next night. Both teams must create a three-course menu with two options for each course. They will have 5 hours to decorate and cook before service begins at their restaurant. With 45 minutes to brain storm their concepts and $7500 to blow at Sur La Table and Garden Ridge the chefs are already feeling the pressure.

Jump.

The boys decide to name their restaurant Canteen with a casual but elegant feel. They are madly decorating the space to create the appropriate atmosphere. I’m impressed with their skills. These are chefs, not interior designers. BOY chefs to boot. I’ve had naked curtain rods mounted on my walls for months because I can’t pick out curtains. So I say bravo gentlemen, bravo (Pun not intended at first. Then I realized how lame it was and left it. Trying to create a complete concept here folks).

The men have selected Ed to run the front of house while the other three man the kitchen. Since every chef must be responsible for at least one dish, Ed must rely on his buddies to properly deliver his dessert. Chris J. is suiting up in his chef’s coat and describes the situation as a kobayashi maru. I have no idea what that is although I’m pretty sure he’s trying to be funny. I don’t care enough to look it up so I shrug it off and keep watching. Almost as if he’s in my head he then explains it for those of us “who aren’t Trekkies.” Stop, hold the laugh track. This is hilarious. I once was blind but now I see. I will now add kobayashi maru to my list of things I’ve learned which, by the way, means something about testing captains in impossible situations. I bet his friends went all Kung Fu panda when he used that description.

Service at Canteen starts off nicely but takes a sharp turn downhill. The chefs are totally unorganized in the kitchen and no one really knows who’s in charge of what. That added to the highly incompetent wait staff is a recipe for disaster. The chefs aren’t plating properly and the staff is delivering food to incorrect tables. The judges, Tom, Padma, Hugh and Emeril arrive for dinner. The first course options are Ty’s Thai style crab and shrimp salad with caramel fish sauce & peanuts or Paul’s ham & pork pate with mushrooms, braised mustard seeds & duck fat crostini. The judges found Ty’s dish to bland as did my friend, Elizabeth, who was a guest diner at Canteen that night as well.

You probably caught a glimpse of her (pretty blond, pink shirt) shoving a bite of shrimp into her mouth. As a guest she was instructed to “act normal and not stare at the judges.” So, when she asked her date what he thought of his ham and pork and he said it wasn’t what he expected but it was working, was all real. Paul’s dish was working according to the real judges too.

For the second course the choices were poached salmon in warm tomato water, clams, salmon skin & tomatillo jam created by Paul and Ty or a crispy skin pork belly with green apple & sweet potato puree created solely by Paul. Again,the feeback is the same from the judges and my friend. Ty’s dish was bland, Paul’s was fine. Meanwhile, service at the kitchen window is a wreck which they’ve designed to be visible to the entire restaurant. The staff is confused, the chefs are confused, Ed is confused and everyone is frustrated.

The judges and the lady chefs are finally enjoying their desserts as the night is coming to an end. Ed has made an almond joy cake with chocolate mousse & banana coconut puree and Chris J. has created a homemade cracker jack with caramel, cherries & peanut butter ice cream. The judges like Ed’s dessert but the lack of coconut flavoring makes the confused about the description. Chris J.’s dessert was not asthetically pleasing to anyone. Hugh called it a “jumbled mess in a bowl” and Emeril said “the presentation of the dish was harrrrable.” Tom likes the flavors of the dish, looks aside. Elizabeth said Ed’s dessert combined with Chris’s peanut butter ice cream was a lovely combination. Two mediocre desserts made one tasty one.

Dinner ends, the judges aren’t impressed, the girls feel like they need to bring their A game and the boy band feels deflated. They know it wasn’t good and now they are just hoping the girls sink themselves by acting like catty girls.

The next day Half Bushel opens for business. The girls are in the kitchen prepping and already jumping all over each other. Sarah and Grayson each have two dishes, Lindsay has one dish and is serving as front of the house and Beverly has only one dish. Sarah starts riding Bev and I immediately have flashbacks to the shrimp fiasco. “All she had to do was the shrimp! It took 2 days to peel shrimp!” Not only am I over ripping on Beverly, but I’m also over these bullies walking all over her. I want to shout “back the F off.” I wish Beverly would. It isn’t just her dish she’s responsible for though, Beverly will also be cooking Lindsay’s halibut. Lindsay is giving specific instructions on how she wants it cooked and although Bev says that wouldn’t be her way of cooking the fish she will do as Lindsay says.

The judges and Team boys arrive separately but both are not greeted at the door. Lindsay is nowhere to be seen. She is in the kitchen because a patron recently informed her that his halibut was over-cooked. Her southern accent went into high gear as she thanked him for his feedback then she took his plate and high-tailed it to the kitchen. As she is storming to the back I’m thinking “run, Bev, run!” The kitchen is a nightmare and these four girls are living up to the catty girl stereotypes. It’s like a bad episode of Jerry Springer and it makes me wish I was a guy. An Italian guy. You know I have an affinity for all things Italian.

The rest of the evening a rocky road and service is horrible. The saving grace is that the food is great. The first course options were Grayson’s peach salad with pickled shallots, bacon vinegrette & candied pistachios or Sarah’s mozzarella filled arancino, sweet & sour eggplant & celery salad. Both were a hit. Bev prepared braised short ribs with Thai basil potato puree apple slaw & kimichi and Lindsay created the grilled halibut with Spanish chorizo, fennel, & sherry salad. Beverly’s was widely praised while Lindsay’s dish got a little less praise for being slightly overcooked. For the third and final course Grayson prepared a schaum torte with vanilla meringue & champagne berries and Sarah made hazelnut cream Italian doughnuts with banana sugar glaze. The judges had very few critiques. At the boys table Chris says “This is the nicest dinner I’ve had since I got here.” Ouch.

Back in the stew room all the cheftestants are actually on pins and needles. Paul feels embarrassed, “we are four badass chefs and we choked.” Lindsay calls out Beverly and says “you f**ked up my dish.” Grayson (she’s got character) has already defended Beverly in this regard and told Lindsay the error was probably in the cooking procedure. Ty is blaming disorganization and everyone is pointing fingers. I can’t take any more yelling. This is why I don’t watch daytime television. Well that, and I have job. Padma enters and we hear silence.

JUDGES TABLE

The girls are brought in first to see the judges. After a very brief critique and a hula hoop contest, they get their second win of the episode (no hula hoops were harmed or actually used in the filming of this television show). The girls do a group hug and squeal, you know how girls do, and all is forgiven. Girl power.

The boys walk sadly into the judges room. Their mistakes are obvious. All of Ty’s food is under-seasoned, Paul took on too much and didn’t make sure Ty seasoned their salmon and the flavors on his other dish didn’t blend, Chris’ dessert was a mess and Ed didn’t do the best job of running the show. After much deliberation, Ty is asked to pack his knives.  Bye, Bye Ty.

LCK – Nyesha vs. Ty

Each chef has 30 minutes to make a dessert. They get to choose a sous chef from previously eliminated chefs. Nyesha has a personal vendetta against Ty since he was rude to her earlier in the season. In an effort to shut him down she chooses Heather since she and Ty have worked together before.  Ty is bummed Heather is taken and chooses Chris C. Both teams work well together. Nyesha presents a coconut lime tart with coconut crème fraiche mousse. Ty serves a Black forest salted puff pastry with dark chocolate mousse and cherries. Tom says both desserts are restaurant ready but if he had to eat one again he would choose Nyesha.  She takes her 4th LCK win and only has to beat three more chefs to be back in the competition.

Loren Means has a lot of different jobs here at D Magazine. Only one is writing the recaps of Top Chef: Texas. I thank her for her volunteer spirit, especially this week because she is not feeling well.  Now let’s get it on.

Something has blown into Dallas and assaulted my sinuses.  I woke up yesterday surrounded by wadded-up tissues I don’t even remember using in the night. Feeling like a bobble head I stumbled to get dressed and ready myself for the day. Then while driving to work and throwing myself one hell of a pity party I was cut off by a Toyota Venza. (True story.)  I practically had to pull a Jeff Gordon maneuver to avoid rear-ending  Cruella De Vil. Thank goodness the Claritin daze hadn’t taken effect just yet. My day started badly and naturally, I blamed Beverly. I will try not to ooze negativity as I take you through last night’s episode of Top Chef: Texas. Too late?  Hold please – I’m making an award.

Jump for molecular gastronomy, barbecue, and Austin.At the Driskill Hotel in Austin, the nine remaining Cheftestants are winding down from a long day in their hotel room. Paul, Ed, Chis J., Chris C., Sarah, Grayson, Beverly, Ty, and Lindsay are discussing the competition when Ed mentions that it might be time to stop playing nice and start sharing recipes. “Sharing recipes?” is the collective resonse. Ed goes on to explain how Heather won twice off of his cake recipe. Sarah tells the camera she thinks Ed is tossing low blows when he speaks up now instead of saying something to Heather’s face sooner. Pot, meet kettle. Sarah, why don’t you try telling that to Ed instead of telling it to the camera? Maybe we should start reading between the lines?

The doorbell rings and a delivery arrives for the chefs: Nathan Myhrvold’s newest collection, the Modernist Cuisine. According to the chefs, this is one of the most elite series of cook books ever written. Chris J. tells us that if he could be 1/5 as smart as Nathan Myhrvold he might be able to rule a small continent.  I’m just hoping I can be smart enough to spell his name correctly without having to look it up each time I use it. And even then there is risk for error (see Claritin daze mentioned earlier). The chefs are told to study these books which are meant to give insight on new techniques and allow for more creativity in the kitchen. Beverly acknowledges that it would be impossible to absorb the information from all of these books in one night but she is going to give it her best shot.

QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE

Padma and Nathan M. (disrespectful to abbreviate or intelligent way to avoid error?) greet the cheftestants in the Cordon Bleu Cooking School kitchen. They are informed the winner of this week’s Quickfire will not only receive the entire collection of “Modernist Cuisine” (currently $625 at Sur La Table!) but will also have immunity in the Elimination Challenge. The chefs have 45 minutes to create a dish using modern techniques. Nathan needs some wow factor.

Paul can’t seem to pronounce “molecular gastronomy” and laughs it off. He claims he already uses some of the techniques. Chris J. is a lot more confident stating that he probably did most of the techniques listed in these books first. Chris C. feels confident too as he likes all-things-modern. He tells us his apartment is modern and he is also a modern painter. Cut to his application video where he’s in his loft with his artwork. And by artwork, I mean very rough sketches of naked women. Chris may be on to something: I doodle therefore I am an artist? I think I’ll start asking male models to pose nude for me while I paint them. When the end result looks more like a Kandinsky, I’ll just explain that my style is abstract but their presence is absolutely necessary.

Time is up and the judges are ready to see and taste inventiveness. Beverly is up first and accidentally sprays curry foam all over Padma and Nathan. It’s not what Nathan had in mind but he admits it’s definitely a first. Beverly is so embarrassed that I start to get embarrassed. Poor Beverly, she is so socially awkward there should be a new term to describe her. I’ll think on that one. And if you didn’t notice, just now, for the first time ever, I feel for Bev. The next seven dishes are tasted without incident. The last dish of the challenge is presented by Chris J. who seems to have traded his sunglasses in for a top hat. His dish is like a trip into Wonka World. First, the judges must eat the “miracle berry.” Next, they are asked to bite into a lemon. Padma exclaims, “That’s incredible! It tastes like the most intense tangerine.” I giggle and start saying in my head “the snozberries taste like snozberries!” with the funny accent, of course. What is this “miracle berry?”  Will it make tofu taste like s’mores? Do I have to win a golden ticket to try it? Myhrvold reveals he grows them in his basement. I’m convinced this guy is a magician.

Sadly, Paul falls into the bottom three with Beverly and Grayson. Sarah’s ravioli somehow lands her in the top three along with Chris J. and Ty. Although Nathan felt Chris had a “helluva dish,” Ty takes the win for using maltodextrin to deliver olive oil. Maltodextrin has been added to my list along with albumin. Look it up yourself, lazy.

ELIMATION CHALLENGE

Padma tells the chefs they will be moving from modern to traditional for the elimination challenge and will be cooking the most traditional food in Texas. You guessed it – BBQ. The chefs are headed to the famous Salt Lick BBQ just outside of Austin. Before I continue, you should know that I was born and raised in Texas, but do not care about BBQ. Not at all. In fact, I consider traditional Texas food to be Tex-Mex and I could eat it every day.  If I never ate BBQ again, I would be ok with that. I don’t hate it. I just don’t care about it. Is that worse?

Now that it’s out there and hopefully you’ve forgiven me my sins, you’ll understand why I make no mention of opinions or preference as far as rubs vs. sauce, vinegar vs. mayonnaise, etc. I ate at Salt Lick when I was younger and accidentally flung jalapeno juice into my eye. I still have use of that eye and only have to wear a patch occasionally (partially true story).

The cheftestants divide themselves into teams of three:

Ed, Sarah and Ty

Chris C., Chris J., and Beverly

Paul, Grayson and Lindsay

After a trip to Whole Foods and Restaurant Depot, Scott Roberts, owner of Salt Lick, takes the chefs to Onion Creek where they will have all night to cook using exact recreations of the pits used at Salt Lick. They must serve chicken, beef brisket, and pork ribs to 300 hungry people the following day. Scott wishes them luck and tears off in his Toyota Tundra.

I guess Bravo has run out of ways to create drama and is using the all-nighter shtick again. I’m over outdoor all-nighters. I feel like we are back in San Antonio sweating over chili. But this time it’s much less fun because there’s no mansion and Chuy isn’t getting hammered and telling stories. This does explain why Bev starts to flambé the trailer. Bravo put her up to it. She can’t be that moronic.

Morning comes and the chefs are deliriously tired. Additionally, it’s a million degrees outside and they are basically sitting in fire. It proves to be too much for Sarah and she calls for the medics. They “call it” and she is taken to the hospital for heat exhaustion. Her teammates handle the situation differently. Ty is concerned. Ed feigns concern but then gives himself away asking, “Is she ok? What’s wrong? Is she dead?”  He is visibly annoyed that she is gone and left him with all the work. He goes into “oh my f*ck mode.” I like this term and find it very modernistic of Ed. I think Wizard Myhrvold would be proud.

Padma, Tom, Gail, Scott, and Nathan arrive for service. The Great Myhrvold took 1st place in the world BBQ championships in Memphis, so we assume he knows his barbecue. Chris J. is sporting a “I Eat Vegans” shirt and Ed is contemplating killing Sarah. I’m just assuming. He is furious because he chose to pre-cut the meat since they would be short on hands. “Once you precut meat and put it in that steam table, you’ve killed it,” he says. You’re doing the opposite of barbecue. You’re steaming meat instead of smoking it.” He felt it was his only option given the circumstances. Miraculously, Sarah recovers and returns to the Salt Lick just in time to plate her chicken for the judges. After they walk away with the chicken, she needs water and rest again. I know that heat exhaustion is no joke, but something seems a bit off. I’m irritated with Sarah too.

Paul, Grayson, and Lindsay put an Asian spin on their barbecue and the judges are really enjoying the flavors. Aside from the undercooked Brussels sprouts, things are good. The chicken that Chris C., Chris J., and Beverly put out is moist but has no smoke flavor. Their beans are undercooked and their ribs are incredibly salty. Sarah, Ty, Ed had the same issues with their chicken.  The judges couldn’t taste any smoke.  Rubbery brisket was their other pitfall. Beyond the judges table, other guests at Salt Lick were a little less critical and seem to be enjoying all the grub.

JUDGES TABLE

Paul does it again and he, along with Grayson and Lindsay, take the win and $15,000. The other 6 chefs are brought in for elimination. Ty has immunity so he is just really there to be scolded for his heavy seasoning. They all made mistakes but ultimately Chris C. is sent packing for ribs that were over-salted and inedible. I agree that this is a big mistake but Beverly under-cooked beans. BEANS! SHE HAD ALL NIGHT! Seems like cooking 101. I doubt The Great M even covers beans in his books because they are so elementary. In an effort not to isolate Beverly, I would like to say that I don’t know how Lindsay has made it this far. It’s been interesting to watch her go from trying to run the kitchen to doing whatever Paul asks.  Till next week…

LCK

Nyesha vs. Chris C.

The chefs must use ingredients from a gas station to prepare their dishes. They each have $20 to shop. Nyesha makes beer-glazed smoked sausage with pork rinds that Tom thinks looks like a restaurant dish. Tom says Chris C.’s tomato soup doesn’t taste like it’s out of a can and enjoys his spin on a Cuban sandwich. In the end, Nyesha takes her third win in the LCK and will compete again with next week’s cast away.

Loren Means has a lot of different jobs here at D Magazine. Only one is writing the recaps of Top Chef: Texas. I thank her for her volunteer spirit. Now let’s get it on.

And then there were 10. Are they the “Top 10” ? I’m not sure. Ed reminded us last week: “It’s not always the best chef that makes it to the end. I mean you can have a hiccup one night and that’s it. You’re gone.” I think we’ve witnessed that every season. When a certain chef gets cut, you feel outraged and want to scream “INJUSTICE! Not him! Take me! Oh wait, I’m at home eating Ramen. I cannot save him. I can only pick a new favorite.”

Luckily, my favorite, Paul, has been a front runner since the gates opened. I still have a horse in this race and he’s headed to his hometown of Austin, Texas in this episode along with Edward, Ty, Chris J., Chris C., Sarah, Heather, Beverly, Lindsay and Grayson.

Let’s get weird.

Southbound on 35 in their Toyota Sienas (sponsor alert!), everyone is chatting and having a grand old time. Ed asks Heather what kind of guys she’s into and her description is essentially “tall, dark and handsome.” She elaborates and says it’s been difficult for her to have a long relationship because she has been so focused on her career. A scene from The Hangover instantly plays through my head:

Phil Wenneck: You know what, Doug? You should enjoy yourself, because come Sunday you’re gonna start dying…just a little bit…every day.

Alan Garner: Yeah.

Doug Billings: All right.

Alan Garner: That’s why I’ve managed to stay single this whole time, you know?

Stu Price: [sarcastically] Oh, really? That’s why you’re single?

Alan Garner: Yeah.

Stu Price: [sarcastically] Cool. Good to know

QUICKFIRE

After checking into the Cattle Baron’s suite at the historic Driskill Hotel, the cheftestants head to Le Cordon Bleu in Austin. (I guess Cordon Bleu is a sponsor as well?) Tom and Padma meet the chefs in the kitchen and inform them (and me) that Twitter gained popularity in Austin at the SXSW Festival in 2007. As a shout out to the hotspot of technology that is Austin, the instructions for the Quickfire will announced in real time messages by tweeters. The chefs seem to understand but I am a bit confused. I don’t tweet. The only real time event I’ve ever followed on Twitter was the escape of the Bronx Zoo cobra and the slithery snakes brief life as a fugitive.

Tweet 1: “Everything is better with bacon.” The chefs have 45 minutes to make a dish with bacon. Chris J. agrees with this tweet. “Bacon should be its own food group because damn it’s delicious.” (Bacon? So last year.)

Tweet 2: “Do a hash as one component of your dish.” The chefs are mostly unaffected by this tweet and appear confident this is a no-brainer.

Tweet 3: “Every chef choose a pantry ingredient and had it off to somebody else.” Some of the chefs take this opportunity to help out another chef and give them butter or oil while others take this as a chance to put a chink in someone’s chain. The weapon of choice is Sriracha, a hot Thai sauce. Chris C. gives it to Lindsay and Ty gives it to Edward. Neither is happy to have it. As a viewer, I found the tweeting gimmick to be fun. I wish they’d tweeted a few more curve balls at the chefs. I think the chefs are having fun with it too. Bev gets left out and has to ask someone to give her something. Why can I not find it in my heart to feel sorry for her?

Time is up and Padma and Tom are ready to eat some bacon and hash. For the most part, Tom feels like the food is pretty exciting but as always, some were better than others. The three dishes Tom liked the least were Grayson’s, Chris J.’s and Ed’s. Chris J. has an issue with over-salting his food. (Didn’t Richie have this same problem?) Maybe it’s a Moto epidemic? Bev, Sarah, and Paul are chosen as the top three. Sarah served squash blossoms stuffed with burrata beside a bacon and zucchini hash. Burrata is the key to my heart and I have to let her inside. Bev’s crispy pork belly with corn habanero potato hash looks pretty tasty and I understand why she is chosen. And last but never least, Paul’s “bacon several ways” wins over Tom. “It is unusual and shouldn’t have worked but it did,” Tom says. Paul wins the Quickfire and $10,000. Respect.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

Tom sends the chefs to the bar at the Driskill and tells them “drinks are on us” but warns them to have a good time but “don’t go crazy.”  I don’t mean to get technical but the drinks are on Toyota, Healthy Choice, and Le Cordon Bleu School of the Culinary Arts, and any other sponsor they can squeeze into an episode. (Did I forget one?) I bet the chefs sipped on top shelf, Grade A, Don Julio Tequila.

Libations are flowing, smiles are growing, and Patti LaBelle is taking the stage. Oh dear. Are the drinks on her too? Does she have a Christmas album that just released? Bravo, you’re in Austin and this is what you come up with? The music scene there is spectacular. Patti’s performance is not. I hate to be ugly about a legend, but it may be time for Patti to hang up her sequins and start belting it out in the shower at home like the rest of us. I will insult her no further.

Patti and her friends (I think these people are really friends of hers) will be joining Tom, Padma, and Emeril for dinner at the Driskill. Patti knows that all cooks have soul and she wants to know what person inspired each of these chefs to begin their culinary journey. The chefs are asked to cook a dish honoring the person or people who brought out the chef in them. Padma asks the chefs to tell their story tomorrow night by serving a great tribute dinner.

Off to Whole Foods (I knew I forgot one) and the chefs are brain storming their dishes and chatting about memories of cooking as a child. Heather shares that her mother was an excellent cook when she was growing up and has very fond memories of her mom’s beef stroganoff. (My mom made a pretty good beef stroganoff when I was a little kid too. You just had to add boiling water and cooked hamburger meat and voila! Do NOT hate on Hamburger Helper. They are not a sponsor of Top Chef or of a healthy diet for that matter but let’s not get into details.) Chris C. remembers his uncle who taught him to fish while Chris J. recalls the delicious steak dinners at his grandmother’s house. Grayson is also reveling in memories of red meat and grilling rib-eyes with her dad.

Back at the hotel we see that Beverly has posted the fake award she made for herself earlier this season in an effort to “secret” it. “Congratulations Beverly Kim Clark!!!!” it reads. “You have won Top Chef Season 9 and $125,000.” I know I don’t give Beverly enough credit for what she is capable of doing, but I know she is not the next Top Chef. I also know if she ends up winning this season, you are going to see all sorts of fake awards posted up around my house. “Congratulations Loren Means!!!! You are the winner of $20 million and a trip around the world.” “Congratulations Loren Means!!!! You have been hand-selected to go on a date with Ryan Gosling.” “Congratulations Loren Means!!!! Every food you eat no longer has calories.” I could keep at this all night. I smell a project!

SERVICE

Out first Chris J. and Heather present their dishes. Chris J. shares his story of his grandmother whom he calls “Mommy too” and how her steak and potatoes inspired him to make his miniature version of lemon pepper steak with baked potato and vegetables. The judges give good reviews. Heather, who calls her mother the “Queen of one-pot meals” serves beef stroganoff with herb spaetzle and roasted wild mushrooms. She knows the rib-eye she used isn’t done well and the judges know it too.

Paul and Sarah are up next. They both were inspired by grandparents. Paul’s quail adobo and ginger rice with green mango salsa is a hit with everyone except Patti. She doesn’t care for quail. Sarah’s pork sausage stuffed cabbage and spinach with browned butter also impresses the judges. Emeril is very impressed she actually made the sausage instead of purchasing it.

Following a tough act, Beverly and Chris C. serve their dishes. Beverly has chosen to honor her mom with a Korean braised short rib with edamame scallion puree and hon shimeji mushrooms. The judges are absolutely on board with her, but I just can’t get there. Chris C. has cooked a sockeye salmon with confit potato and brown sugar carrot puree to honor his uncle. Unfortunately, he cooked his fish on high heat and the albumin is oozing out of the fish. (Ok, I won’t pretend I knew what albumin was before last night and throw it around like I’ve been using it for years when it’s the culinary equivalent to the “word of the day” for me. I’ve seen the white stuff but, much like the ends of shoelaces, I had no idea it had a name. Never really thought about it either.)

Next up is the fourth group which includes Lindsay, whose roots are both Greek and southern U.S., and Ed, my absolute second favorite chef. Lindsay’s tribute to her two grandmothers is a trout spanakopita with crispy leeks and rainbow trout roe. The dish is a hit, but Emeril thinks there’s too much butter. (Is there such a thing? I’d put butter on my butter if it wasn’t frowned upon by society and the Mayo clinic.) Ed chose to go vegetarian as a tribute to his grandmother who rarely cooked using proteins. He created a modern bibimbap with lemon-chili sauce. He knew it was risky to go vegetarian but he told Ty early on: “I got balls and I’m gonna show ‘em.” Thank you for sharing your balls with us Ed, the judges really enjoyed what they inspired.

The final dishes of the evening are served by Grayson, a self-proclaimed meat and potato girl from Wisconsin, and Ty. Grayson serves a giant slab of rib-eye with German potato salad and grilled vegetables. The judges find the meat stringy and gristly. Ty, who still remembers the panko-crusted chicken tenders his Japanese nanny made for him, wanted to honor her by creating his version of chicken tenders fried in duck fat and served with pickled peaches. The judges think his plate is beautiful and love the dish.

JUDGES TABLE

Back in the stew room, the chefs are comparing dishes and beating themselves up as usual. Ty takes this time to point out that Patti’s nails were painted to match Padma’s shirt. He’s probably right but who’s to say Padma didn’t dress to match Patti’s nails? While we are on the topic, Padma’s wardrobe this season is awful. They’re like heinous costumes, not clothes. (New sponsor opening!)

Padma asks to see Grayson, Chris C., and Heather. This is no surprise. Grayson took the challenge too literally and her dish iss boring and bland. Chris C. had albumin (used it again) leaching out onto the plate and Heather’s meat was not cooked properly. Heather doesn’t put up much of an argument which I’m surprised by but when Tom asks her why she didn’t use the pressure cooker, she gives a big spiel about it making her duck stringy which ruined her dish last time. Tom looks at her and says, “Beverly used the pressure cooker and she’s not here.” Snap! Feisty Tom is back and it seems he doesn’t care too much for Heather. This is probably no skin off her back since Tom is not tall, dark, or handsome. (Although, I must confess: I have a small crush on Tom which is strange since “bald” and “soul patch” aren’t on my Top 10 list of endearing features.)

Beverly, Ed, and Sarah are brought to the table as the top three. Patti loved Ed’s beautiful presentation and Padma thinks he’s on a roll. Beverly also executed a lovely presentation and everything on the plate had a purpose. Sarah’s dish showed a lot of technique and the flavors were clean.

After the judges deliberate, Sarah takes her first win of the season and “The queen of mean” as Padma calls Heather, is sent packing. Beverly doesn’t cry. Justice has been served.

LCK: Nyesha vs. Heather

Nyesha is ready to “shut Heather up” and “wipe that smile off her face.” All previously dismissed chefs hang on the sidelines as the competitors take their corners. The challenge is to showcase their techniques and methods by frying, injecting, and foaming. Heather goes the savory route and prepares gulf shrimp injected with paprika and served with a mushroom foam. Nyesha takes the sweet road and makes beignets injected with caramel sauce served with a brown butter foam. Tom tastes both dishes. Both are good, but he finds Heather’s shrimp to be overcooked and she is gone for good. Ding dong…you know how the rest goes.

Loren Means has a lot of different jobs here at D Magazine. Only one is writing the recaps of Top Chef: Texas. I thank her for her volunteer spirit. Now let’s get it on.

Episode 7 kicks off with twelve cheftestants remaining in the competition for the title of Top Chef. Technically there are still thirteen if we count Whitney who is still alive online in the Last Chance Kitchen (LCK). For now, let’s focus on the “Dirty Dozen” as they refer to themselves. Still in the running: my boy Paul, Grayson, Heather, Chris C., Chris J., Beverly, Lindsay, Dakota, Ty, Ed, Sarah and Nyesha. The episode takes place in Dallas at Le Cordon Bleu School of Culinary Arts. Is anyone else bored?

QUICKFIRE. Padma and guest judge Tim Love, chef/owner of Lonesome Dove in Fort Worth, greet the chefs in the kitchen. Lonesome Dove is known for serving fine game. The menu includes interesting dishes such as rabbit-rattlesnake sausage (guess I have to eat my words about never seeing rattlesnake on a restaurant menu in Texas) and kangaroo carpaccio “nachos.”

Game on.

We spy several variations of Don Julio ultra-premium tequilas in the Cordon Bleu kitchen. Tim tells us that nice tequila is meant to be sipped. I know this; I just can’t do it. I make the “bitter beer face” every time I take a sip. For me, tequila is all the same and it must be blended nicely into a margarita or taken as a shot and immediately chased with tomato juice. The chefs must taste and then select one of five tequilas and create a dish that pairs nicely with it. Among the most popular choices are the 1942, the Blanco, and the Anejo.

After 30 minutes, cooking time is up and it’s chow time. Tim is a sweetheart but he’s brutally honest. He tells Heather her dish feels like the newest addition to a menu at a chain restaurant. He thinks Sarah’s risotto is over cooked and the sauce feels like lemon juice squeezed into cream. He was a little less harsh with Chris J. and simply tells him his chicken was too dry. Judging the top three, Tim thought the briny moisture of the oysters paired nicely with the Blanco in Chris C.’s dish. He really enjoyed Lindsay’s salmon and thought the Anejo flavor went all the way through the dish. But his favorite dish and the winner of $5,000 is Ty’s steamed clams with the 1942 tequila.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

As Padma says, “Hopefully you like who you are standing next to” my eyes pan the line. What do I see? Heather and Bev are touching elbows. I smile. Here we go. The chefs are split into pairs and each pair will cook one of six courses for a Game Dinner at Lonesome Dove. Tim and five of his friends will be the guests along with Padma, Tom, and Hugh. His “friends” are also impressive chefs who will assign their favorite protein to one team. We meet Chef Bryan Caswell of Reef in Houston who chooses venison for Nyesha and Dakota. Chef Anita Lo from Anissa in NYC selects squab for Paul and Sarah.  Elk is Tim Love’s favorite meat and he assigns it to Chris J and Grayson. Lindsay and Chris C. will be cook boar for Chef Jon Shook of Animal in Los Angeles. Chef John Currence of City Grocery in Oxford, MS opts for duck, one of my personal favorites, which Heather and Bev will make. And last but not least, Chef Vinny Dotolo, also of Animal in L.A., wants quail so that’s exactly what Ed and Ty will be cooking.

Before the chefs are released to their stomping grounds at Whole Foods, they are told one last little detail. It’s a double elimination challenge. I guess it’s time I told you, I have super powers. I have been hoping all week that we would get one soon and here it is. Christmas has come early. There are literally too many cooks in the kitchen and I’m ready to trim the fat. The cheftestants are obviously aware of the situation and look frozen with panic and stress. Bravo cannot help itself and throws in one more catch: the bottom three dishes will be selected by the chetestants themselves.

The scene at Whole Foods is hilarious. Realistically, it’s mildly entertaining watching Heather boss Beverly around like a mom shopping with her 6-year-old. Heather also keeps jabbering on about how she doesn’t want the dish to be “too Asian.” “I just want to make sure the dish isn’t too Asian because that’s not my style,” she says. “And I’m not going home Bev.” So, Asian food is bad? Go to Uchi, Heather. I assure you, Asian style isn’t going to send you home. Your bad attitude and inability to work in a group will. There, I said it. I don’t like Heather anymore. She and Bev are very different but equally undesirable.

In the kitchen, Chris J. is spazzing out. I can’t describe it any other way. I want to bitch slap him and scream “Pull yourself together, man!” He has sworn up and down to Grayson that he can make some sort of sweet potato creation to serve with their elk. But something goes wrong with his potatoes and he can’t deliver. Grayson is trying really hard to be cool about it. But then she blows. “I didn’t want to be like, way to go you f**ked up the sweet potato,” she says. “BUT..you f**cked up the sweet potato.” Now Grayson is flustered, Nyesha is annoyed with Dakota’s insecurity, and Bev and Heather are bickering. Heather wants to add a component to the dish and tells Beverly it’s part of her rustic style so they are going to have to compromise. By compromise, she means Bev, nothing you say matters so just sit back and try not to cry about something today.

Service begins and Lindsay and Chris C. present wild boar with kohlrabi slaw and faro fried rice. Tom says it’s a nice plate of food but not that exciting. The second course of five-spice duck breast with creamy polenta and pickled cherries is Beverly and Heather’s creation. The judges feel the dish is a bit too safe. Grayson and Chris J. bring out the third course of juniper-roasted elk with what looks like sweet potato fries. Chris immediately confesses to the judges that his “elaborate technique” did not work. Grayson wants to punch him in the nards but instead tries to correct this by saying the dish is exactly as they intended it to be. Chef Caswell seems to be as harsh a critic as Tim and says the plate looks like something from a banquet menu in 1982. Up next, Ed and Ty serve the fourth course of quail with pickled cherries and eggplant. The feedback tells us the quail “shines” and has great “earthy qualities.” Nyesha and Dakota are plating for the fifth course and notice the venison Dakota was in charge of cooking is undercooked. With no time to change anything, a very rare venison is plated for the judges. Nyesha is appalled and feels like this shouldn’t happen at this level. The judges feel the same way. The final course is brought out by Sarah and Paul ending the meal with squab breasts and sausage with nectarine pickles. Overall take is that the presentation is a bit sloppy but the food was good.

Back in the kitchen Sarah starts to have a break down. “This is not like cooking normally,” she says. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” The Bev chimes in. “It’s ok to cry,” she whines. “Totally cool. We all know how stressful this is and everyone handles stress differently.” Um, not according to Nyesha. There’s no crying in baseball or in the kitchen, ladies.

JUDGES TABLE

Padma comes into the kitchen and asks to see Ed and Ty. Everyone congratulates them as they are clearly the winners of the challenge and $10k. Ty is stoked because he has now won the Quickfire and the Elimination Challenge. Ed is excited and relieved. “I looked into all those chefs’ faces and thought, man I did not make an ass out of myself in front of all you guys,” he says.

After much discussion, and much more attitude from Heather, the cheftestants send the following chefs to Judge’s Table: Dakota, Nyesha, Chris J., Grayson, Heather, and Beverly. Hugh Acheson is sitting on the panel along with the regulars and today’s guest judges. Standing in front of all the judges everyone looks like they are breaking. Dakota is clearly on the verge of tears. Heather starts spouting off about Beverly having a bad work ethic, having no self-confidence then brings up last week’s shrimp issue. Beverly starts to cry (I knew it) and Hugh speaks up and tells Heather that last week is irrelevant in this game. Padma calls out Nyesha and asks why she never bothered to check on the meat herself or check in with Dakota and everyone ends up pointing fingers. Everyone except for Dakota who feels awful for undercooking the venison, a meat she has cooked numerous times.

Back in the kitchen Heather is still ranting about the shrimp and other peoples’ flaws. Apparently this is how she handles stress. Heather is also upset that she isn’t getting the chance to compete based on her own skills alone and I have to agree with her. It would be horribly frustrating but, as the saying goes, there’s no I in TEAM. Everyone is responsible. You are of course, allowed to be secretly pissed at the person who messed it up for everyone.

In this case, Nyesha is allowed to be frustrated with Dakota when they are sent packing for undercooked venison. Nyesha is a great chef and I am sad to see her go. Next week we are headed to Austin and hopefully Paul’s badassery, yes, badassery, will shine in his hometown.

Last Chance Kitchen – Whitney vs. Nyesha & Dakota

In the LCK the chefs are instructed to make a dish using a wok, a cactus, and any other ingredients the kitchen has to offer. Off they go as previously eliminated chefs shout questions and cheer from the sidelines. Time is up and tasting begins. Tom starts with Whitney’s cactus and chicken fried rice moves on to Nyesha’s Asian-style scallops and finishes with Dakota’s shrimp tostada. Tom chooses in favor of Nyesha and she’s back in the competition and all is right with the world again.

D Magazine’s Loren Means loves to watch Top Chef: Texas. Therefore, she volunteered to watch all of the episodes this season and write a recap. She’s reviewed episode one, two, three, and four. Today she reports on episode five which takes place in Dallas. Go, Loren.

Episode five of Top Chef begins with the 14 cheftestants headed for “Big D.”  Loaded into three SUVs are Heather, Edward, Chris J., Chuy, Ty, Chris C., Dakota, Whitney, Lindsey, Sarah, Nyesha, Grayson and (saving the best for last) Paul. Spirits are up, stories are being shared, and they are rolling down the barren highways of Texas when they encounter a roadblock. A state trooper directs the cars to the side of the road, where Padma and guest judge John Besh, chef/owner of Luke in San Antonio and August in New Orleans, stand on dry, cracked land ravaged by drought. I kept waiting for tumbleweed to blow by. Bravo should have arranged for that. It would have appropriately set the tone: a Quickfire in the arid lands of Texas.

Quickfire Challenge

The judges inform the chefs that there is a survival kit in the trunk of each SUV that contains supplies for a challenge that will test resourcefulness and inventiveness. The chefs run to the cars, pop the trunks, and are shocked to find survival kits there. Now, I don’t want to be one of those people who talks through movies saying things like “that would never happen” or “no one just rolls over afterwards and goes to sleep like that in real life” but c’mon, where was their luggage? How did the chefs not know there were survival kits in the back of their cars? Anyway, the chefs find inside a variety of canned foods, but no can openers or cutting boards and very few utensils. Chris J. runs to the nearby corn field, exclaiming “fresh is best.” The ground is literally cracked, and he’s hoping to find a moist husk with golden kernels inside. Aw, that’s cute.

Dallas here they come.

With little to no tools, the chefs are clawing their way into aluminum cans of preserved goodness. Lindsey opts to use Vienna Sausages in her dish, although the memory of her father eating them straight out of the can repulses her. I hear this and have flashbacks. OMG. I used to eat them out of the can when I was little. I clearly have to blame my mother for this. Of course, as an adult I’ve been known to throw salt on a pinch of raw hamburger meat and eat that, so maybe I’m just as disgusting. I do, however, draw the line at canned pickled herring, which Grayson used in her dish. I am a lady, after all.

Time is up, and the chefs present the finest concoctions they could come up with given the limited ingredients. Falling into the bottom are Whitney, Dakota, and Chris C. John and Padma didn’t “feel the love” in Whitney’s beer and peach chicken, Dakota’s was too sweet, and Chris C.’s combination of raw tofu and crab meat was under-seasoned. The top three are named, and Ed, Chuy, and Lindsey’s faces light up. The detail in Ed’s Thai peanut soup wowed the judges, and Chuy’s canned smoked trout was a pleasant surprise. In the end, Lindsay’s French onion soup with Vienna Sausages paired with a tuna club sandwich (using saltines instead of bread) proved to be the best showing of resourcefulness and inventiveness.

Elimination Challenge

The cheftestants roll into Dallas and are taken directly to Highland Park, described by Padma as “one of the most exclusive residential areas in Dallas.” I like to refer to it as the Bermuda Triangle, a dangerous realm where speeding tickets are given out like candy. The challenge is to prepare a “progressive dinner” for three neighbors. The guests will have a different course at each residence.

Sarah, Lindsey, Paul, and Chris J. pull up to the home of Kim Schlegel Whitman and her husband Justin.  We get an upward shot of the house, because I guess big isn’t big enough for Bravo. Mr. and Mrs. Whitman greet the chefs at the door and lead them into the kitchen. Justin informs them “this is our kitchen.” (DUH!)  Kim takes over from there and gives the group an idea of her expectations for the appetizer course. She outlines her dislikes — such as bell peppers, cilantro, and anything that can get stuck in her teeth. Who doesn’t hate that? In addition to these guidelines, the chefs are also armed with the knowledge that Kim is not at all adventurous when it comes to food.

Cut to another upward shot of a similar home as Ty, Beverly, Heather, Chuy, and Nyesha arrive to meet Kari and Troy Kloewer. Kari is Kim’s sister, and she recently hosted an intimate wedding with 700 of her most cherished family and friends in attendance. It’s intimate compared to Kim’s wedding with 1,200 guests. (I’ve been to a wedding with 23 bridesmaids so, yes, Dallas can be a bit over the top.) The chefs are invited inside, and Ty describes the house: “You can smell the smell of money.” Like the Whitmans, Kari and Troy discuss their likes and dislikes with the chefs. Basically, everything he likes, she won’t eat. Good luck, chefs.

For the dessert portion of the evening, Edward, Chris C., Whitney, and Dakota arrive at the home of Kameron and Court Westcott. Both are eager to share their love for fudge, cupcakes, cake balls, and bananas. There was even mention of a banana obsession.  I get this. I go wild for a bananas foster. I don’t care how ’80s it seems. Court also tells the chefs that he’s gaga for gummy bears. Ed is horrified. “I can’t compute that someone with that kind of elegance is telling me I should cook gummy bears,” he says. Court’s No. 1 request was that he wanted something to make his inner fat kid cry. Kameron backed him up with “more is better here in Texas.”

After a quick trip to a Whole Foods at Preston-Forest (Why not Highland Park?), the Cheftestants head back to their respective kitchens and get to work. At the Whitman home, Paul is smart and realizes that in this type of setting, it is imperative to listen to the needs of your clients. Most importantly, he knows that you must win over the lady of the house “because if she likes it, the guy will just agree with her.” His wisdom gives me chills.

Back at the Kloewer house, Beverly is hogging the kitchen space, taking up sinks, burners, and colanders.  I knew she couldn’t go an entire episode without annoying me or her fellow competitors. At Casa de Westcott, Ed is whipping up a dessert that has no gummy bears whatsoever, y’all.  He is doing his own thing.  “Some of it is based on what the couple told me, and some of it I just ignored because they just kept saying things like fudge and bananas,” Ed says. Ed is now second on my list because I like funny, and I appreciate his nature to disregard things he thinks are dumb.

Service begins at Kim and Justin’s house, and among the guests are judges Padma, Gail, Tom, and John Besh. All five appetizers are served, and the progressive dinner begins. Chris J.’s cigar-shaped starter of chicken and collard greens confuses everyone and proves difficult to eat. In discussing the dish, Tom hits one out of the park and puts everyone in stitches with a “close but no cigar” remark. <rimshot>  Maybe if I’d been there and had five glasses of Chard, I would have laughed too. Lindsay’s beet salad was tasty but boring, and Whitney’s sea scallop was nice but not the conversation starter Kim was looking for. Paul and Sarah were the stars of this course. Sarah’s artichoke with date puree and Paul’s Brussells sprouts with grilled prosciutto were a total success. Kim must have mentioned she loved Brussells sprouts, and Paul listened.

“Y’all come on over,” Kari says to encourage the group to head to her house for the entrée. Dinner is served family style. Heather presents her lamb chops and is sweating profusely as usual. I love you girl, but get a do-rag or something. Chuy’s salmon is overcooked, and he knows it. Beverly’s scallop and creamy polenta looks delicious. If there were to be a show called Top Scallops, I’d gladly be a judge. Ty has made pork tenderloin with avocado salsa, and Nyesha serves a filet of beef with a red wine sauce. Kari is repulsed by Nyesha’s dish.  “It almost looks like there is blood decorating the outside of it,” Kari says. Judge John Besh laughs politely and reassures her it’s not blood; it’s a red wine reduction.  Kari’s opinion really shouldn’t count since she doesn’t even eat meat, but Kim backs her sister by agreeing the dish didn’t look very appetizing.

For the third and final portion of the evening, the guests arrive at the Westcott house for dessert.  When Chris C.’s cupcake is placed in front of Court, his face lights up. There is a kid inside all of us, and sometimes that kid is fat. I appreciate Court’s ability to adore the little things in life. Dakota’s bread pudding is a hit with everyone. Grayson’s chocolate sponge cake is described as good but a little too rich. Tom takes this opportunity to be a comedian again. “I thought it was impossible to be too rich in Dallas, Texas,” he said. <rimshot>  Whatever. Edward’s dessert of panna cotta with cantaloupe consomme and raspberries stuffed with basil pudding makes me nervous. There’s no fudge, no gummy bears, no bananas, and Kari said she hated raspberries. Edward has made a mistake. Kari is immediately turned off because it’s “jiggly looking,” and Kameron jokes that it looks like Elmo. Kim is very respectful and says it tastes fancier than it looks.  Court announces they are headed out for margaritas, and dinner is over.

Judges Table

The chefs with the four best dishes are our boy Paul, Dakota, Grayson, and Sarah.  It must be a Top Chef record to have anyone from a dessert group, let alone three dessert dishes coming in on top. Dessert is normally the kiss of death. Alas, listening pays off, and Paul’s savory sprouts are this week’s winner.  At the bottom of the list we see Chris J., Chris C., Chuy, and Ty.  Chris C.’s cupcake had too much going on. Ty’s dish was not proportional. Chuy’s salmon was overcooked and Chris J.’s “cigars” were too gimmicky and not focused on flavor. The judges couldn’t get past an overcooked salmon filet, and our little friend was sent packing. Adios, Chuy.

Last-Chance Kitchen: Keith vs. Chuy (online only)

Chuy and Keith head to Bolner’s, an old-fashioned meat market, to get their protein. Each chef is given a rib rack and sent back to the kitchen. The challenge is to butcher five bone-in rib-eyes and cook one perfect medium-rare steak. Keith uses his “blackening salt,” and I like to think he uses a little love. Chuy decides his plan of attack is to “butcher the F out of this thing.” When time is up, Tom tastes both steaks and decides that while they are neck and neck, Keith’s filet was seared more on one side and this mistake sends him packing. Chuy now reigns in the LCK.

D Magazine’s Loren Means loves to watch Top Chef. Therefore, she volunteered to watch all of the episodes this season and write a recap. She’s reviewed episode one, two, and three. Today she spills the chili beans on episode four . Go, Loren.

For the fourth episode of the season’s Top Chef: Texas competition, we return to San Antonio to watch the remaining fifteen chefs fight to the death!  Just joshin’ – you know why they’re there. The remaining cheftestants  listed in particular order based on personality and/or skill, are Paul, our resident Texan, Nyesha, Heather, Edward, Chris J. (although I would like to roundhouse kick his sunglasses off the top of his head), Chuy, Ty, Richie, Chris C., Grayson, Dakota, Whitney, Lindsey, Sarah and Beverly.

QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE

The chefs are greeted by Padma and guest judges, Mary Sue Millikin and Susan Feniger, chef/owners of Border Grill Restaurants in LA and Vegas and a few Top Chef Masters alums. Behind the judges are bowls of chile peppers and a board listing temperatures and dollar amounts. The heat of a chili is rated by the Scoville Scale varying from 0 (no heat) to 15,000,000 (pure capsaician). The Anaheim pepper usually ranks between 500-2,000 while the ghost pepper tops the edible chart at 1,000,000. According to Chuy, eating a handful of these babies would be “like eating a pile of fire.” (I’ve had a habanero drop me to my knees so I think I’ll take Chuy’s word for it.) The challenge is for the chefs to create a dish highlighting one type of pepper and show the judges you have cojones. The higher the tolerable heat, the more moolah you win.

The chefs scramble. Beverly runs to the mild section and starts chomping on various peppers. She chooses Anaheim. Snooze. My grandma eats Anaheims for breakfast. Beverly claims that she has selected this pepper for its freshness and cares more about making a great dish than winning money. On the other end of the spectrum our boy, Paul, goes for the Ghost pepper. Muey caliente! I beam with pride. Most chefs show they are up for the challenge and select spicy peppers such as Thai, Habanero, Fresno, and Manzano.

After the 30-minute time limit is up, the judging begins. Falling to the bottom are Richie, who lost the power of his pepper, Beverly, who didn’t bother to cook her pepper and used it as a crudité instead, and Chuy, whose use of canned tomatoes overpowered his pepper.  He was particularly embarrassed because he grew up eating Habaneros and apparently has enough back at home to survive the next nuclear fallout. Rising to the top are Heather, who stands to win $10,000 for her use of the Thai pepper, Grayson, who could potentially win $12,500 for her use of the Habanero pepper, and Paul, who actually wins $20,000 for having the best dish and using the ghost pepper. In addition to 20k, Paul will also have immunity in the elimination challenge.

ELIMATION CHALLENGE

Immediately after the winner is announced the chefs are asked to pull a pot from under the table and open it to find an apron. Teams of three are created as each chef pulls one of five colors out of their pot.

Black Team – Nyesha, Beverly, and Richie.

Green Team – Sarah, Chris C., and Chuy.

Blue Team – Heather, Edward, and Paul (dream team in my opinion)

Red Team – Chris J., Dakota, and Whitney

White Team – Grayson, Ty, and Lindsay

The chefs gather into their teams. Nyesha is less than thrilled about her team because Richie has fallen in the bottom of the last two Quickfires and Beverly is “meek.” Her word, not mine. Although I’ll second that thought. The group is told that they will be participating in a chili cook off at the Tejas Rodeo and will be feeding 200 cowboys and rodeo regulars. The catch: they will be cooking back at the manse and there will be no time clock.

After a trip to Whole Foods, where several chefs battle for brisket at the meat counter, Chris C. starts to see the “bitchy side” of Sarah. The chefs are forced to battle again for equipment, space, and ingredients back at the house. Nyesha snakes the beer, Chris J. and Edward claim the fire pit in the backyard, and Grayson haggles with other teams for pans.  Chris J. describes it perfectly: “it’s like a riot and people are just grabbing for whatever they can get.”

When the cooking finally gets underway and things have mostly settled down, Tom shows up. He questions the black team’s concept of mole chili and turns his nose up at Heather’s suggestion to serve their chili with pickled peaches. Tom leaves and bottles start popping.  Edward pops the cork out of a bottle of wine by knocking the bottom of it against the house, proving to me this can actually be done. I was sure it was urban legend. Chuy is slinging back beers having to be constantly reminded by Chris C. that they are for the chili not for drinking. Chuy seems unaffected as he climbs on board their makeshift bull that Paul and Edward are operating. Chuy goes overboard fast, everybody laughs.

Having endured 100 degree temperatures, several chefs jump in the pool and, for a moment, it looks like we are watching The Real World – San Antonio. Most chefs have decided to pull an all-nighter and are still working away at 5AM. This is apparently when the bugs begin to attack. The Chicago boy said “bugs” but we know he means “mosquitos.”

It’s time to head to the Rodeo and the chefs walk like zombies to their cars. Sarah informs her fellow passengers that she grew up in Texas going to the rodeo and her Dad was a bull rider. She thinks this makes her more legit and I sort of have to give it to her. It does. Her team now has the unfair Texan advantage just like last week’s winners had the unfair Chuy advantage. After an hour of prep time, the guests arrive and start gobbling up chili.  Chuy notes, “Wow! These people are really Texas!” The rodeo folk are stereotypically Texas indeed!

Padma, Gail, Tom, Susan, and Mary Sue arrive and are ready to judge the chili. They begin with the green team (Sarah, Chris C., and Chuy). Their chili is made with beef chuck and lots of Shiner Bock. Sarah has certified that it is real Texas chili and has no beans whatsoever, y’all. The chefs enjoy the flavor but wish they had some corn bread or tortillas to soak up the sauce.

Next up, the judges sample the red team (Chris J., Dakota, and Whitney). They love the amount of heat and seasoning but are a bit turned off by the stringy meat of the brisket.  Gail loves the pickled peaches the blue team (Heather, Paul, and Edward) served with their chili but Tom’s response to the chili was meh. The black team (Nyesha, Beverly, and Richie) made a mole chili which is a bit sweet and a little too unconventional for the judges although their cornbread rocked the Kasbah. The fifth and final chili was the white team (Grasyon, Ty, and Lindsay) who made a three bean chili. That ain’t Texas at all y’all! The judges thought it didn’t have enough heat and didn’t feel like chili.

After the feast, the Cheftestants finally take a load off to watch the cowboys in action. Most of the chefs have never been to a rodeo and are really enjoying it. Meanwhile, Beverly begins to cry and whine to Nyesha, who kindly pretends to care, that she wishes her husband could be there to share this experience with her. Soon enough, Padma enters the arena astride a muscular horse donning jeans and button-down with two front pockets. Very cowboy chic. Chris C. wipes a tear (not really) and compares her beauty to that of Fabio on the cover of a romance novel with his hair blowing in the wind. One of us is a moron and I’m hoping it’s not me. Padma announces that the winner of this year’s Tejas Rodeo Chili Cook Off is (drumroll please…) the Shiner Bock-infused concoction made by the green team! I don’t want to say it was rigged or anything, but since the cowboys and rodeo regulars were able to choose the winner, Sarah’s Texas roots may have played a role. Texans are all about Texans.  Go Paul! What? Sarah doesn’t live here anymore and I don’t particularly care for her.

The judges announce that the losing team they have selected is the black team. In order to stay in the competition, Nyesha, Beverly and Richie will all have to go back to the kitchen and transform their chili into a new and improved dish. The three chefs look truly deflated after having worked through the night and into the day with little to no sleep. In the kitchen, Richie and Beverly seem composed while Nyesha looks more like she’s sleep walking. When time is up the chefs present their new dishes to the chefs.  Beverly serves a seared tuna with a habanero pineapple salsa. Richie presents a Frito-crusted pork tenderloin with chili puree. Nyesha makes a Frito-crusted shrimp with roasted corn and reduction of mole sauce.

The judges taste the dishes, deliberate, and confess that they are assholes for doing this to the black team. In the end, one dish had no spice, no acid, and was very “one note.”  Richie was sent packing. When asked to pack his knives he managed to choke out, “Thank you for this opportunity.” He sounded as wimpy as a Michael Jackson whisper. He was devastated and it seemed so childlike when he cried. It was really hard to see him go. He looked like he needed a big hug and luckily his pal, Chris J., was there to do just that. He sent him off with an “I love you.”

SUPER SECRET KITCHEN – Keith vs. Richie

I’ll make this speedy as usual. The super-secret competition is another repurposing challenge. The chefs must use Thanksgiving leftovers and make a new dish using at least three of the ingredients. Keith seems a bit frozen stating that rarely cooks using leftovers. Richie is hustling and things are going smoothly until he accidentally pours half of a salt shaker into is cornbread puree. When the time is up, both chefs have their creations plated. Tom samples Keith’s first and then Richie’s. He has positive and negative things to say about both. There is no clear winner. In the end, Keith prevails and we will see him next week in Dallas along with local author, Kim Schlegel Whitman.