Top Chef: Seattle, Finale Recap

I’m pretty happy. Are you happy? I probably don’t even need to write this recap, because all this last episode did was prove the bada**ery that is Kristen Kish (aka Asian model/Stefan’s wannabe girlfriend/and now superstar chef).

But let’s get on with it.

Top Chef decided to go all out on this finale episode. I mean, a stadium, really? 300 people, really? Cooking for five picky judges is hard enough, but to invite the old TC winners, friends, family, and the entire population of a small city made the final two contestants, Brooke and Kristen, throw up in their mouths. Can’t blame ‘em. “I did not expect a f***ing stadium,” says Brooke.

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Top Chef: Seattle, Episode 16 Recap: May the Best Man (Not Woman) Win

Kristen Kish is back in the game! The tall Asian model battled her way past ogres and demons in Last Chance Kitchen to make it into the final three. Everything is right in this world. Top Chef, you have redeemed yourself. Thank you.

The three remaining chefs are back from a relaxing six month vacation. Sheldon’s channeling the spirit of Menehune, while Brooke is feeling a little unprepared. She didn’t spend that much time in the kitchen during her time off. This bites her in the butt when Padma tells the three of them to create a three course meal at Craft, Tom Colicchio’s restaurant. Dang. We have a Chinese saying for this: “Small fish, big pond.”

“We’re in Chef Tom’s house… We gotta make sure his customers are happy. It’s a lot of pressure. Hopefully, I don’t set this place on fire,” says Sheldon. “This challenge is BOOM! balls to the wall.”

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Top Chef: Seattle, Episode 13 Recap

Round 1: Quickfire Challenge

Surprise! We’re on a boat to Alaska. Everyone is happy, happy, joy, joy except for Brooke, who’s afraid of big bad boats. (I get ya, Brooke. I watched Titanic, too.) Padma is joined by the steamy host of Top Chef: Masters, Curtis Stone. They both want the five remaining piggies – er, chefs – to create a one-bite dish highlighting iceberg lettuce. Iceberg…. get it? Yeah, I didn’t think it was a funny joke, either. All five do pretty well, except Sheldon’s Vietnamese iceberg wrap impresses just a little bit more with its sweet and salty combination. He wins. He gets an advantage at the real challenge.

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Top Chef: Seattle, Episode 12 Recap

Round 1: The Quickfire Challenge

Alrighty. We’ve only got six cheftestants left. Kristen is gone, because the judges made a stupid move to pick Josie over her. Dumb. Now that the show has successfully eliminated half the Asian cooks (Where’s Kuniko when you need her?), they bring in master sushi chef Katsuya Uechi to judge a sushi contest. Great. Now we get to watch a bunch of fumbling idiots make stupid dishes like bacon and egg sushi. (Cough, Josh, cough.)

“I’m from Oklahoma,” says Josh. “I don’t make much sushi. Sushi’s good… but it’s just not something I crave like, say, bacon.”

Josh, Josh, Josh. Why are you butchering beautiful Japanese culture and food by making a breakfast sandwich out of rice? I want to throw something at your head!

Uechi hides his disgust for bacon sushi well and gives Stefan the win for his yellow tail with grilled shiitake and raw lobster. I must say, I’m starting to think Stefan is a great tv-watching substitute for Tesar.

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Top Chef: Seattle, Episode 12 Recap

Round 1: The Quickfire Challenge

Alrighty. We’ve only got six cheftestants left. Kristen is gone, because the judges made a stupid move to pick Josie over her. Dumb. Now that the show has successfully eliminated half the Asian cooks (Where’s Kuniko when you need her?), they bring in master sushi chef Katsuya Uechi to judge a sushi contest. Great. Now we get to watch a bunch of fumbling idiots make stupid dishes like bacon and egg sushi. (Cough, Josh, cough.)

“I’m from Oklahoma,” says Josh. “I don’t make much sushi. Sushi’s good… but it’s just not something I crave like, say, bacon.”

Josh, Josh, Josh. Why are you butchering beautiful Japanese culture and food by making a breakfast sandwich out of rice? I want to throw something at your head!

Uechi hides his disgust for bacon sushi well and gives Stefan the win for his yellow tail with grilled shiitake and raw lobster. I must say, I’m starting to think Stefan is a great tv-watching substitute for Tesar.

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Top Chef: Seattle, Episode 11 Recap (Restaurant Wars)

Judges, are you smoking something that clouds your ability to make sound decisions this season? Are you living in an alternate universe where you’re supposed to eliminate the top contenders on Top Chef? Yes, yes, I believe you are. Great. Thanks to you, this season’s finale is going to be interesting. And by interesting, I mean not fun to watch.

Restaurant Wars

The seven remaining cheftestants have 48 hours until their restaurant concepts brim with life. Kristen leads Atelier Kwan (Brooke, Josie, and Lizzie), a restaurant serving the ever-original idea: classic French food with a twist. Sheldon, on the other hand, is feelin’ the spirit of Menehune and taking the helm for Urbano, a restaurant named after his grandfather, which serves modern Filipino cuisine. The only problem? Stefan and Josh have never cooked Filipino food before.

Another small issue pops up. Stefan walks into the kitchen area only to find empty space. “F@#^. No kitchen?! I don’t know who’s smarta** idea it was to build a kitchen from scratch and a restaurant from scratch. Who does that?!” He’s taken aback for a second, and then he’s off frolicking with lilies at a flower shop.

“Stefan has a very strong personality,” says Sheldon. “I’m definitely going to have to play cowboy and keep a lasso around Stefan’s neck.”

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Top Chef: Seattle, Episode 11 Recap (Restaurant Wars)

Judges, are you smoking something that clouds your ability to make sound decisions this season? Are you living in an alternate universe where you’re supposed to eliminate the top contenders on Top Chef? Yes, yes, I believe you are. Great. Thanks to you, this season’s finale is going to be interesting. And by interesting, I mean not fun to watch.

Restaurant Wars

The seven remaining cheftestants have 48 hours until their restaurant concepts brim with life. Kristen leads Atelier Kwan (Brooke, Josie, and Lizzie), a restaurant serving the ever-original idea: classic French food with a twist. Sheldon, on the other hand, is feelin’ the spirit of Menehune and taking the helm for Urbano, a restaurant named after his grandfather, which serves modern Filipino cuisine. The only problem? Stefan and Josh have never cooked Filipino food before.

Another small issue pops up. Stefan walks into the kitchen area only to find empty space. “F@#^. No kitchen?! I don’t know who’s smarta** idea it was to build a kitchen from scratch and a restaurant from scratch. Who does that?!” He’s taken aback for a second, and then he’s off frolicking with lilies at a flower shop.

“Stefan has a very strong personality,” says Sheldon. “I’m definitely going to have to play cowboy and keep a lasso around Stefan’s neck.”

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Top Chef: Seattle, Episode 10 Recap

We’re down to eight cheftestants in this pre-Restaurant Wars episode. They’re dropping like flies, I tell ya. It’s only been the first episode without the “Most Hated Chef in Dallas,” and I must admit I miss watching that goofy smile of Tesar’s whenever someone congratulates him. He better come back.

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Top Chef: Seattle, Episode 10 Recap

We’re down to eight cheftestants in this pre-Restaurant Wars episode. They’re dropping like flies, I tell ya. It’s only been the first episode without the “Most Hated Chef in Dallas,” and I must admit I miss watching that goofy smile of Tesar’s whenever someone congratulates him. He better come back.

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Top Chef: Seattle, Episode 9 Recap (John Tesar and the Risotto Curse)

I just want to make it clear that this will be a depressing recap. Worst episode in Top Chef history, ever. This season, all the good people are getting eliminated way too early, and I don’t like it. Not one bit.

Round 1: Quickfire Challenge

Padma is standing next to Bob Kramer, a man who makes $4,000 knives. Holy cow. Sheldon has his eye on the prize (immunity and knife) since he is a daily knife sharpener. “I would die for a Bob Kramer knife,” he says. The nine remaining cheftestants split into teams of three, and they have to compete in a total of three rounds.

1. Turn dull knives sharp
2. Tourne 50 potatoes and turn them into little footballs with seven sides
3. Break down two rabbits

Unfortunately, Sheldon doesn’t do as hot as he thinks. Micah calls Sheldon’s potatoes “little poop logs,” and gets jealous of Tesar’s mad tourne skills. “That old bastard, he knows everything.”  Tesar is eliminated in the second round, though, and Micah ends up winning the knife challenge because “breaking down little bunnies is a very Zen moment for [him].” So. Messed. Up.

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Top Chef: Seattle, Episode 9 Recap (John Tesar and the Risotto Curse)

I just want to make it clear that this will be a depressing recap. Worst episode in Top Chef history, ever. This season, all the good people are getting eliminated way too early, and I don’t like it. Not one bit.

Round 1: Quickfire Challenge

Padma is standing next to Bob Kramer, a man who makes $4,000 knives. Holy cow. Sheldon has his eye on the prize (immunity and knife) since he is a daily knife sharpener. “I would die for a Bob Kramer knife,” he says. The nine remaining cheftestants split into teams of three, and they have to compete in a total of three rounds.

1. Turn dull knives sharp
2. Tourne 50 potatoes and turn them into little footballs with seven sides
3. Break down two rabbits

Unfortunately, Sheldon doesn’t do as hot as he thinks. Micah calls Sheldon’s potatoes “little poop logs,” and gets jealous of Tesar’s mad tourne skills. “That old bastard, he knows everything.”  Tesar is eliminated in the second round, though, and Micah ends up winning the knife challenge because “breaking down little bunnies is a very Zen moment for [him].” So. Messed. Up.

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Top Chef: Seattle, Episode Seven

Danyele still doesn’t believe in herself, Josh can’t cook pork, and Tesar is… Tesar. Let’s get straight to it.

Round 1: Quickfire Challenge

The guest chef this week is Stephanie Izard, the only woman to ever win Top Chef. Padma tells her little cheftestants they can cook anything they want, but all their ingredients are wrapped in foil, and they have to use everything they grab. Oh, and one more thing: their only cooking vessel is aluminum foil. Fun times.

Kristen makes a sponge cake (“That is the ballsiest sh*t I have heard of,” says Danyele), Tesar makes egg drop chicken soup with ground beef, Bart does a beer-poached cod, and Danyele makes a comforting bowl of canellini bean stew. Padma and Stephanie loved it. Danyele’s confidence is boosted just a smidge. Of course, Kristen wins immunity from her almond and chocolate sponge cake. She’s the only one who doesn’t have to go head-to-head with another chef in the next round. Lucky, lucky her.

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Top Chef: Seattle, Episode 6

Time flies. Can you believe it? We’re already on the sixth episode.

If you can remember back that far, last week we saw all of the cheftestants get spanked at the judges’ table. Nobody met Padmama and Tomdaddy’s standards. It was a craptastic mess. All the kiddos were shamed. Everyone was pretty glum.

Round 1: The Quickfire Challenge

Padma comes out with my homegurl, Marilyn Hagerty, who is cute as a button on TV. (At this point, I screeched so loudly that my dad, over in the next room, came rushing out and asked, “Are you okay????”) Yes, I’m okay. I just nearly fainted. I have had a girlcrush (correction: elderly lady crush) on Hagerty ever since she wrote a glowing review of Olive Garden. ”Somebody told me I became viral,” says Hagerty. “I didn’t even know what that meant… It’s just been a hoot. The whole thing.”

How can you not love this wonderful woman?  Continue reading "Top Chef: Seattle, Episode 6"

Top Chef: Seattle, Episode 4 Recap

This episode was a throwback to 1950s dining, but the only person who knows anything about the ’50s is John Tesar. Nobody else on Top Chef is old enough to remember the mid-20th century. So, obviously, Tesar stole the show. Again. In the first few minutes, we remember why General CJ and Josh Valentine hated on Tesar so much in the Stew Room. Oh yeah, it’s because he turned his back on Kuniko last episode. (Ugh, Kuniko, why did you get yourself eliminated?) Tesar takes this opportunity to call himself the “most hated chef in Dallas” for the umpteenth time since this season has started. And we’re only on episode four, right? Goodness gracious.

Jump.

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Top Chef: Seattle, Episode 3 Recap

Despite the epic turkey war in honor of Thanksgiving, this was the suckiest episode in the history of Top Chef. My favorite person was sent home, and I’m still upset by last night’s trauma that I might not be able to swallow any stuffing at the two Thanksgiving lunches I’m about to have. Ugh. At least Liz and her friend, Michael (remember him from Beers With Friends?), were there to offer their sympathies over gchat.

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