D Magazine’s Loren Means loves to watch Top Chef. Therefore, she volunteered to watch all of the episodes this season and write a recap. She’s a Texan, and she’s on Texan stereotype alert. Go, Loren.

I, personally, could have done without the first two episodes required to wrangle out the 13 weaker chefs. It’s just too exhausting. I prefer to start off with the rock stars and get the show on the road. Alas, no one consulted me prior to filming/editing so this is how it was done, and we have had to endure it. Episode three begins and we finally have the 16 chefs who will actually be competing for the title of Top Chef. In no particular order, other than Keith, whom I will list first because he is my favorite, we have Keith, Richie, Lindsay, Edward, Heather, Ty-lor (whom I will now refer to as Ty because they do on the show and now I won’t have to figure out how to make those two dots over the O), Beverly, Chris J., Grayson, Paul (resident Texan), Sarah, Chris C., Dakota, Nyesha, Chuy, and Whitney.

Jump to see what happens.

QUICKFIRE

We are back in the Top Chef kitchen in San Antone, and it’s time for the cheftestants’ very first Quickfire. In the kitchen the chefs see a terrarium with a live snake and 16 wooden boxes on the floor. Dakota is freaking out—she hates snakes. She and Indiana Jones must be unique in this way. Padma introduces the guest judge, Johnny Hernandez, who is the chef and owner of local restaurant La Gloria, known for its wild game. Johnny is a friendly guy who tells the chefs about the local fare and informs them that rattlesnakes are a very traditional Texas cuisine. Huh? Stop. I have lived in Texas for 30 years and have tasted rattlesnake once in my entire life. And that was only because I was in Sweetwater, Texas, at the world’s largest rattlesnake roundup. I participated in the hunting and skinning of rattlesnakes. Yes. I’m hardcore. (To be clear, by “participated,” I mean I wore boots that came up to my knees, sat in the safety of a truck bed, shielded my eyes, and sipped on Coors Light.) Never again have I encountered rattlesnake as a menu item, so if Johnny says it’s traditional cuisine, he must be referring to the southwest not the whole state of Texas. Moving on. The chefs are told there is a snake in each box and they will have one hour to cook their snake. Padma boldly says, “When time is up, there better be some motherf**kin snakes (Make it stop! Make it stop! Make it stop!) on some motherf**kin plates.”  Eek! If a saying ain’t cool when Samuel L. Jackson says it, it most certainly cannot be improved rolling off the lips of Padma Lakshmi. That clip should find its home on a blooper reel.

The chefs open their boxes to find rattlesnakes that are already skinned and ready for cooking. I’m sure PETA may have had some choice words had Bravo made killing and skinning the snakes part of the challenge. Plus, I wasn’t in the mood to cover my eyes or drink watery beer, so it all worked out.  Most chefs have never cooked with this ingredient so everyone is winging it. We get a variety of rattlesnake entrées: from Keith’s sweet corn griddle cake rattlesnake to Paul’s barbecue rattlesnake with peaches. Chris J. throws his snake on the skillet, and exclaims, “fry like bacon, you freshman bitches.” He just shot to the top of my list. This is how you use a movie line appropriately. As a Texan, Paul felt his pride was on the line, but sadly, he fell in the bottom three along with Richie and Neyasha. Coming in on top were Beverly, Dakota, and Sarah. Ironically enough, ye who hates snakes took the prize of $5,000 and immunity in the elimination challenge.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

The cheftestants draw knives to reveal Team Pink or Team Green. Once divided, they are introduced to their client, Blanca Flores, a 15-year-old girl who will be celebrating her quinceanera the following day. The chefs will be providing the food for Blanca’s 150 nearest and dearest. According to Johnny, the food should be elegant Mexican cuisine representative of the Mexican culture in San Antonio. First, Blanca meets with the Green Team (Beverly, Chuy, Chris J., Richie, Heather, Paul, Grayson, and Whitney). They ask her if she likes spicy food. She says no. They ask her if she likes boys. She giggles, and says yes. Oh to be young again. We learn that she loves cabrito (goat) and tres leches cake. Chuy is pumped because his grandfather taught him to cook goat, and it’s his best dish. Next, Blanca meets with the Pink Team (Lindsay, Sarah, Nyesha, Ty, Chris C., Keith, Whitney, and Dakota). We learn that Blanca also loves Chinitia Pibil, cabbage leaves with picadillo, and consommé soup. It should be known that during this five to 10 minutes of the show, I made mental notes to go eat at Javier’s, La Duni, Fuel City, and planned a trip to Mexico. Viva!

The cheftestants split into two groups. Half the crew goes to Whole Foods and the other half heads to a local Mexican market for some authentic ingredients. Members from each team are at both stores. The Green Team has a plan and things are going smoothly. Most everyone is calm, cool, and collected. Remember last week when I said Beverly scared me a bit. I was wrong. She annoys me a lot. She comes tearing up to the butcher’s counter, cutting off everyone else screaming, “I know everybody here has stuff to do. I need a butcher!” I guess the fake winner’s certificate she made herself is going to her head. The Pink Team seems to be scrambling and making hasty decisions. Keith, Chris C., and Richie all agree to buy precooked shrimp and both teams buy premade tortillas. If you’ve watched any previous seasons of Top Chef, you know you don’t EVER buy precooked anything. Truly, as I watched them make the decision, I was screaming, “No, no! Don’t do that!” It was like watching a horror film and screaming at the girl, “Don’t go upstairs. Run out the front door! Don’t do it! Ugh. Idiot.”

Back in the kitchen, Lindsay, who was at Whole Foods, is horrified to learn that her teammates bought precooked shrimp and now her dish is ruined. The whole mood in the kitchen changes and Pink Team starts blaming Keith. Keith starts to feel like it’s him against his own team. I immediately come to Keith’s defense and decide that Sarah and Lindsay are just mean girls. The prep for the day wraps and the chefs head home.

Cut to the San Antonio skyline (so we remember they are in Texas), a quick glimpse of the Alamo, and back to the manse.

It’s the day of Blanca’s quinceanera at Adalco’s Restaurant, and she is decked to the nines looking like an adorable cake topper in her big white dress. She is very polite, mature for her age, and seems to have an advanced palate. Either Bravo is feeding her lines or she’s the next Gayle Simmons. She greets Padma and Johnny, and is introduced to Tom and Hugh. Then the feast begins! We see every dish tasted and reviewed by the judges as well as Blanca and her family. And just as we predicted, Tom is offended by the store-bought tortillas and calls them a “copout.” The judges really enjoy Paul’s shrimp ceviche and agree that his dish has more flavor than anything else. While tasting Keith’s enchiladas, the judges are confused by the use of flour tortillas instead of corn. I was, too. I’m a Texan; enchiladas are made with corn tortillas. And I hate to agree with Hugh on this, but Keith made burritos. The cakes roll out, and Heather’s tres leches cake is the leaning tower of leches while Dakota’s pineapple cake concoction looks revolting. Neither were a smash, but the tres leches is the clear winner. Blanca enjoyed her party, had fun dancing with her Dad, but Johnny felt the chefs did not deliver elegant cuisine as requested.

JUDGES TABLE

The judges declare the Green Team the victors, which is no surprise. Their food was better, they were more organized, and they had the unfair Chuy advantage. They did deserve the win, though. From the Pink Team, the judges asked to see Lindsay, Sarah, Ty, and Keith. Dakota would have been called in as well had she not won immunity in the Quickfire. Lindsay reveals that she felt they performed poorly because they didn’t utilize their time well. The judges fault her because she lived and cooked in Mexico for three years and should have nailed her dish. Sarah was in a panic and was trying to point the finger everywhere she could. Ty admitted that although he only had 30 minutes to come up with his fritter, it was dry and lacked flavor. Keith gets called out for purchasing precooked shrimp and for using flour tortillas for his enchiladas. He defends his choice by saying that’s how they prepare them in North Carolina and he was unaware that traditional enchiladas are made with corn tortillas. It’s sort of a weak defense, but where were his teammates on this? Sarah confesses she grew up in Texas and knows that corn tortillas are used for this dish, but never bothered to tell Keith during prep. She was actually helping Keith pull the tortillas out when he was making his dish and didn’t correct him. This behavior puts her at the bottom of my list. The judges deliberate and Keith is asked to pack his knives. I’m totally bummed out. Then I am reminded by a note in Keith’s bag—LAST CHANCE KITCHEN!

Last week, I was completely annoyed about having to log onto bravotv.com for the super-secret competition, but last night I was psyched! I thought it was over for Keith, but it wasn’t! You know when you’re at the movies eating Milk Duds and you go to flip the box over in your hand and nothing comes out?  It’s a total disappointment because you’ve eaten them all.  But then, you look inside and see that there is still one super-secret Milk Dud stuck to the bottom of the box and joy takes over.  That was this. I’ll sum up quickly. Andrew and Keith go head-to-head in a mise en place race. They have six ingredients and 10 minutes to prep and prepare a dish for Tom. One of the ingredients is clams. I know—and Andrew knows–it’s over for him. Andrew prepares a Mediterranean-style clam dish with radicchio while Keith prepares clams two ways, ceviche and steamed in champagne butter, served with a sip of champagne.  Keith takes the win, and he’s back in!

To quote our friend Ty, in this episode, “nothing was great and a lot of things sucked.” I hope next week’s episode brings a little more excitement and a lot more personality from the 15 remaining cheftestants. It looks like we’re headed to the rodeo, so brace yourself for some stereotypes!

D Magazine’s Loren Means loves to watch Top Chef. Therefore, she volunteered to watch all of the episodes this season and write a recap. She’s a Texan and she’s on Texan stereotype alert. Go, Loren.

Top Chef is back and according to Bravo’s tagline for the show, “Everything is Bigger in Texas!” Wow, I wonder where they got that idea. Note to producers: We are bigger than France. And our buildings are NOT bigger than those in New York. So there’s one strike. I suggest you change your promotion from bigger to better. On to the show.

After meeting most of the cheftestants last night–not all 29 of them, but most–I think it’s safe to say we have some very talented people on this season. Tom Colicchio appears more aggressive this season and he kicked them off Simon Cowell-style. Grrr. I like this Tom.

Oh, it gets better.

Well, the cast of 29 very excited chefs is certainly large. Last night the enthusiastic contestants congregated in front of the (small) Alamo. Padma shows up to greet them and also inform them that only 16 will continue on to compete.  Chris C. is so excited to see her! “Damn, Padma looks hot. I have to stay in this competition just so I can look at her.”  (Note to Chris: as a non-participating viewer I will see gobs of Padma. If your main focus is to stare at Padma – go home and turn on the TV. Lord, I already don’t like him.)

Once all the excitement settled, Padma welcomed the cheftestants to San Antonio and, for me, this moment felt a bit like the Travel Channel meets the Food Network. Padma, dressed in a long flowy pink strapless dress, welcomed the group who stood in front of the Alamo. They could have been standing in front of a tree. She made no reference to the significance of the building which, for many of us, represents the brave men who battled Santa Anna’s army. Ozzy Osbourne peed on the Alamo and PeeWee Herman, well, I’m sure they will get to Mr. Herman’s contribution to Texas history in a future episode.

The opening shot dissolves. We reopen in a kitchen!

We meet Group 1 which is comprised of 10 chefs.  There are several executive chefs, a couple chefs de cusine, one personal chef/caterer who later introduced himself as a “chef to the celebrities”, one self- taught underdog, and one who is currently “between jobs.”  Immediately, we see some clear front runners.  Emeril Lagasse is the guest judge for the Quickfire in which the chefs are presented with a whole pig and they must each choose a cut to prepare for the judges. Once the chefs have made their decisions, two volunteers jump forward to butcher the pig. Hilarity ensues.

Well, not really but I was laughing outloud as a vegan chef, who hasn’t worked with meat in 10 years, attempted to slice out the ribs while the “chef to the celebs” attacked the pig, Lord of Flies-style. He wielded a saw and boasted that he never has to butcher his own meat because his clients are wealthy. Fortunately, Chris Jones of Moto, steps in and relieves his vegan friend, Collin. Also fortunate, no one steps in for Stone, Chef Tyler Stone. Tom Colicchio strolls up shortly after Tyler has hacked the tenderloin in half. Horrified by such atrocities, Tom practically donkey kicks the kid out of the kitchen mid-challenge. After putting up a little fight and a final “fair enough” Tyler leaves and I laugh. I like this season’s Tom.

The other 9 chefs are able to finish their dishes and present them for Tom, Padma, and Emeril to judge. Some chefs will get the majority vote and receive a chef’s coat; others will be put on “the bubble” and have to compete again later for one of the 16 spots.

Earning a chef’s coat in this group are Heather, Nyesha, Chris J., Richie, and Sarah.  Grayson, who is between jobs, and Molly, who claims to be a fine dining chef aboard a cruise ship which is a total oxymoron to me, are sent to “the bubble” while the sweet vegan, Collin and the heart- warming underdog, Simon are sent packing. (Like a vegan chef had a chance at winning this? Not fair.)

Next up is Group two. Wow, you can almost smell the pedigree in the room. Everyone in this group is an executive chef, a restaurant owner, or a chef de cuisine. All have worked with incredibly talented chefs and all brought their A game.  All but Nina.  Gayle joins us as the judge for this Quickfire where the chefs must choose a main ingredient as a group. (Team building time!)  They are presented with several choices but ultimately all decide that rabbit is the most versatile. Everyone flies into action, and when the buzzer goes off, Nina is caught with an un-plated Thumper. Bye Nina. Dakota, Whitney, Chuy, Chris C., Keith, and Ty-lor all receive chef’s coats.  Janine, who didn’t get her sauce on the plate, and Edward, whose rabbit was undercooked, are sent to “the bubble” where they remain to fight another day.

Episode one ended with 11 spots filled, four chefs on “the bubble” and 10 cheftestants in group three waiting to compete. With only 4 spots left, the pressure is certainly on for group three.

I think this will be an exciting and fun season and I can already see we will witness some excellent talent in the kitchen. After next week, we’ll have the final sweet 16 but, for now, Keith, Nyesha, Sarah and Heather have my vote. Would love to hear your favs.

Happy tails to you until we meet next week.

Dripping cheese by Kevin Marple.

In the October issue of D Magazine, Teresa Gubbins tells us what she thinks about The Commissary.

In a profession loaded with bad boys, chef John Tesar stands out. Mercurial, dismissive, he’s a hyperactive hothead with a self-destructive streak so legendary that his old pal Anthony Bourdain has written about it. Tesar is so good at embodying the tantrum-throwing temperamental-chef stereotype that D Magazine made him the subject of the September cover story, titled “The Most Hated Chef in Dallas.”

But there is the man, and then there is what he puts on the plate. From his early days at a French restaurant called Pierre’s in Westhampton to his stint at RM Seafood in Las Vegas, he has impressed discriminating palates, including the folks who hired him in 2006 to be executive chef at the Rosewood Mansion on Turtle Creek, where he took on the intimidating task of replacing longtime fixture Dean Fearing.

She’s got a lot more tosay.

Grass does not grow beneath Teresa Gubbins' shoes.

Leave it to Teresa “Gumshoe” Gubbins to find a snitch in Trader Joe’s camp. Since the grocery chain announced they were planning locations in Dallas last May, they have been quite secretive about their locations. According to TG, you can rule out the former location on Greenville Ave. Her Deep Throat coughs up three possible locations: Walnut Hill and Central, Knox Ave., and Fort Worth. All of the details are here.

There was a time when Trader Joe’s was cool and funky and carried stuff you couldn’t find elsewhere, but I think the company is now running on a tired image. In the 70s,  Two Buck Chuck played a significant role in nursing wine drinkers off the Spanada bottle but the last TBC I sampled burned the enamel off my teeth. So, Trader Joe’s? Yes or no? Why?

This quick assessment from a professional food critic who reviewed Dallas restaurants while taking copious amounts of sinus medication? After my ENT doctor read about Raskin’s sinus problems,  he called me and said: “She had no business reviewing restaurants. Her palate was dead.” If I were a restaurateur who was reviewed during her reign, I’d be demanding a redo. No wonder she called Dallas a “dining nowhereville.” She wasn’t able to taste anything. She blathers on:

I shouldn’t be surprised that the imagined relationship between rigorous professional criticism and good food doesn’t hold up. I moved here from Dallas, a city that’s covered ruthlessly by established food critics, including the Dallas Morning News‘ Leslie Brenner, D Magazine’s Nancy Nichols, and Texas Monthly’s Pat Sharpe. The food there isn’t any better for it.

Hanna, you take one trip to Portland and declare “Portland appears to have entered the post-professional critic era, and the food scene hasn’t suffered.” Oh my. I need a Xanax. Writers in Portland were sadly laid off by print publications. Raskin should be next.

2. Groupon for tickets to see Stevie Nicks. I feel old.

Here is my question: Brittany is a lovely girl but don’t you think the winner of Miss Twin Peaks would, how do I say this, have significant peaks? Okay, sorry. I’m a big fat procrastinator promoting sexism.

MISS TWIN PEAKS 2011 HAS BEEN CROWNED!

“Lil’ Brit” from Twin Peaks Frisco wins Bikini All Star Contest

ADDISON, Texas (July 29, 2011) – Brittany Wilkerson of Twin Peaks Frisco was crowned Miss Twin Peaks 2011 at this year’s Bikini All Star Contest on Sunday evening at the ultimate adventure lodge’s flagship location in Addison, Texas.

Four-foot-eleven Wilkerson – affectionately known as “Lil’ Brit” at the Frisco restaurant – edged out Monica McClain (Miss Twin Peaks Austin) and Vanessa Wrigley (Miss Twin Peaks Lewisville) for the title.  Miss Twin Peaks 2010, Stephanie Ho of Twin Peaks Round Rock, presented Wilkerson with a tiara and two dozen roses for the win. The two-time Twin Peaks Calendar Girl and model for the restaurant’s uniquely designed mouse pad also earned $1,000 and a feature page in the upcoming Twin Peaks 2012 Calendar.

“I am so, so proud to be named Miss Twin Peaks 2011,” Wilkerson said. “The Bikini All Star Contest – heck, the entire Bikini Season at Twin Peaks – is incredibly fun to be a part of. Taking the title is a bonus! I love being a Twin Peaks Girl, and it feels awesome to know that so many Twin Peaks fans could see that in me during the All Star Contest.”

As Miss Twin Peaks 2011, Wilkerson exemplifies the “girl next door” archetype – confident, beautiful, friendly, warm, and comfortable anywhere, in anything. To determine Miss Twin Peaks, 14 of the restaurants staged their own Bikini Contests full of smiling Girls during the past month. The top two at each event competed at Sunday’s packed, indoor-outdoor Bikini All-Star Contest, which was judged by a mix of company representatives and Dallas-area personalities such as Jay Betsill of The Fort Worth Star-Telegram’s DFW.com and Donovan Lewis of “The Ticket” KTCK-AM (1310).

“Twin Peaks Bikini Season is really a celebration more than a competition,” said co-founder and CEO Randy DeWitt. “It’s a showcase of our beautiful Twin Peaks Girls, who work really hard to look great. Without them, we wouldn’t be having so much success.”

Rachael McCoy (Miss Twin Peaks Addison) took home the Miss Congeniality Award. Other finalists included Cat Wiesenhaus and Jaimie Romero of Twin Peaks Albuquerque, Melissa Trentacosta of Twin Peaks Addison, C.J. Sturdevant and April Schlect of Twin Peaks Plano, and Michelle Edgerly of Twin Peaks Webster.

About Twin Peaks:

Founded in 2005 in the Dallas suburb of Lewisville by successful restaurant veterans Randy DeWitt and Scott Gordon to meet the needs of an untapped market, Twin Peaks features quality food made from scratch and ice cold draft beer served by friendly and attractive Twin Peaks Girls in a mountain sports lodge setting. Named a “2010 Hot Concept!” by Nation’s Restaurant News, the chain has 15 restaurants in Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska, and New Mexico, and expects to open at least 10 new restaurants over the next year. More information on Twin Peaks, including locations and franchise information, is available at www.TwinPeaksRestaurant.com.

Assembling a mise en place for my super-secret East Texas peaches dessert. Doggie chew bone (right) not included.

Have you been eating Texas peaches? This guy has and he has a question for you.

Just finished some peaches I picked up at Dallas Farmers Market last week, and they were spectacular. Which brings to mind the question: which restaurants in town serve a great cobbler? I’m a Southern boy and really enjoy these  two months of the year when you can get a good peach cobbler at its freshest. Any info would be appreciated.

I’m not giving him my address and I know Gubbins wouldn’t give out hers. So, restaurants feel free to sell your peach desserts below.

Who needs Gordon Ramsay? Carrie Keep is hardly in hell.

We told you chef Carrie Keep was hot. Last night her bosses at Nosh Euro Bistro, Avner and Celeste Samuel, hosted a season-premier watching party for Hell’s Kitchen. Carrie, a line cook at Nosh, is one of the contestants. The restaurant was full of loyal patrons and friends when–POOF- a knob on one of the gas valves fell off and a small fire flared in the open kitchen. Always the problem solver, Celeste Samuel picked up the phone and calmly called the Highland Park Fire Department and moved the guests outside. When the firemen arrived, they were greeted by a glamorous crowd having cocktails in parking lot. With the fire out When the danger was gone, the TV-watching party turned into a photo op. The show? Who knows what happened. The reality of the parking lot was much more fun. Jump for photos taken by Lindsey Miller.

Carrie and one of Highland Park's finest (left); Carrie, chef Jon Stevens, and Celeste "Quick Dial" Samuel (right).

Carrie Keep outside the kitchen.

Fire! Fire! Fire! Avner Samuel looks really concerned!

Meanwhile, Bar Celine will be called The Gin Mill. I love gin so I won’t complain about that. However, Swig is going on my Bad Names for Restaurants List. Right beside our this place. Teresa has more important stuff here. (Asador, really chaps my sass.) Moving on.

UPPITY DATE: “False-ish,” Hage said. She has been asked to “explore a menu refresh.” The gig is only for a week.

The premise: “Each episode pushes three chefs to their physical and mental limits as they must adjust to extreme conditions and unpredictable curveballs such as swimming across a lake for ingredients and using a car engine as a makeshift stove.” The victorious chef pockets $10 grand which, after taxes, might be $5,000. Whatever, soon we have yet another Dallas chef on TV. I hope Tesar wins. He could flaunt his victory over Anthony Bourdain and Andrew Zimmern.

The first time I watched the trailer below, I thought it was a joke. It’s not. It’s reality. Excuse me while I open a can of Sterno for lunch.

FOOD NETWORK’S EXTREME CHEF SIZZLE by multivu

Now having a groovy chicken coop in your backyard or on a patio in New York is trendy. The gals over on the D Home blog have the scoop on the “must have” coop. If you want to get your backyard bird party started, the folks at Northaven Gardens have the knowledge and supplies. I’d rather have a goat.