Two weeks in Provence coming soon.

Get ready for Central Market’s yearly culinary salute to foreign food. In 2010, we celebrated Argentina (Hi, Francis!). Last year we pigged out on Spain (Hola, Paco!). This year they are throwing a two-week soiree for France, specifically the southern region of Provence, which will begin on May 9 and run through May 22.

Here’s a little poop I learned: Zee hottest ticket will be a seat in the outdoor tent where the kick-off event, “A Taste of Provence,” will feature a sampling of dishes prepared by Chef Patrice Olivon! C’est magnifique! You know Olivon, oui? He’s the cute French dude who won Iron Chef hosts “Dinner is Served,” a lovely show on PBS. It is set for Wednesday, May 9, and begins at 6 p.m.

The menu includes some personal favorites from his childhood (served family-style at long tables), which will be paired with French wines (shocker!). Think: Pissaladiere (thick, pizza-like dish popular in Nice and Marseilles); tomates farcies (tomatoes stuffed with beef, rice & herbs); cod with aioli; roasted lamb with ratatouille; and warm seasonal fruit cooked in red wine served over vanilla ice cream (really?). So frugal Francophiles, get a cheap trip ($35 per person) to Provence, if only for one evening.  Tickets can be booked by clicking here or by visiting the Cooking School reservation site for Dallas.

Sancerre! Profiteroles! A truffle in every pot! Vamos, I mean, nous permettre d’aller!

(Below, I will copy and paste an actual MEDIA-ONLY release so you can get an insider’s look on how real food writing works. I will pair it with commentary from a professional media person.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE [Loud and clear! Got it. Type fast. Did somebody else get this while I was grabbing a sandwich. Hang on let me check the other sites!]

April 1, 2012 [WTF? Am I late here? It's April 16. Did this already go out and I am so screwed? Note to self: Google news before you write it. Alternatively, swear under your breath at PR people.]

CENTRAL MARKET PREPARES TO SHARE “L’ART DE VIVRE” [WHY didn't I think of that hed? (That's editorial lingo for headline. We are all too lazy to type the whole word out.]

Prepare for a gustatory tour of France’s famously food centric regions [Weak sub. Oh, that's edit-speak for sub-headline. Waaaay too long to type. "Food-centric regions" in France  is redundant.]

WHO: All Central Market stores across Texas [ Great start. WHO! Always start with WHO. It worked for Horton and it will work for you.]

WHAT: Get ready to celebrate two weeks devoted to France, a country know for its vast array of distinct food and wine offerings. Central Market, a division of H-E-B will host PASSPORT FRANCE May 9 – 22 to explore the delicious to be found in every day France, “a nation of Foodies.” [Yes, it pedestrian but it's short and to the point and food writers need short. And points. Next.]

This is the specialty retailer’s third foray into a wide-scale international celebration. In 2011, Central Market hosted Passport Spain; and in 2010 it launched with Passport Argentina.  Customers traveled the cultural and culinary landscape of these countries without booking a plane ticket or packing a bag. The events are known for their bounty of exciting food finds, live music and performers, authentic décor and celebrity chef and wine maker visits. [Great insert of backfill information. If I didn't work here last year, I now know how much great stuff I missed by living in Washington, DC.]

This May, CM store visitors can experience all things French during Central Market’s two-week extravaganza. Hands-on crepe making. Wine tastings hosted by winemakers, some part of multigenerational winemaking families. Stellar chefs such as Anne Willan of La Varenne and Patrice Olivon of PBS and Iron Chef fame will make appearances and host events. “An Introduction to French Cheeses” will be hosted by the Ambassadress of the French Cheese Club. [Okay, I'm fading a little.]

The aisles will be filled with finds from around France, such as La Mere de Poulard cookies, Kougin Amann, aged Comte, Petit Montebourg fresh cheese, Fallot Dijon and hundreds more, many exclusively available at Central Market. [I'm am so back. Those cookies are like crack, heroin, pot, and gin all baked into a thin disc of sin.]

From classes in the art of French cookery to French cheeses, breads and wine tastings, Passport France will take visitors on an incredible gustatory tour with no jet lag. [Well, I am confused. What do I do with all of this Ambien?]

WHEN: May 9 – 22, 2012 [Excellent information. Thank you Central Market for making my job a walk in the freaking park!]

WHERE: Central Market, all store locations: Austin, Dallas, Fort Worth, Houston, Plano,  San Antonio, and Southlake. Go to www.centralmarket.com for the latest details and to review classes available in May. Further details will be released as they are available. [Even bettah! There is more to come so I know there will be more to write. My job feels secure. Until the end of May.]

ABOUT CENTRAL MARKET: Central Market’s open, serpentine-flow, full view European-style layout offers a completely new food shopping experience.  A bountiful produce department with unmatched quality and variety, an 80-foot seafood case with selections from throughout the world, hundreds of cheeses, 2,500 wine labels, stupendous specialty grocery aisles with delights from every continent, and a world-class cooking school featuring hands-on instruction are among the features that make the Central Market experience unique. www.centralmarket.com. [Oaky, the serpentine-flow thing is getting old, but so am I. The store is really more maze-like but I suppose that would cause people to run for the straight aisles of Tom Thumb. Stupendous is a bit dramatic and delights, well my mind stayed to another train of thought, but I was immediately brought back to reality by the hands-on instruction. Oh, yes. France and hands. Good stuff. Count me in.]

More about Delphi from the press release:

Delphi, (www.delphigroupinc.com) which led Deep Ellum’s renaissance in the 80s and 90s and birthed the wildly successful Club Clearview (1985-2005), are bringing the same artsy energy to New East Elm. Delphi’s 25 year experience in the Deep Ellum district, specializing in the renovation of older structures and it’s entertainment pedigree made this the group’s next logical project, sure to build on the momentum they’ve created in the area. The area historically was a haunt of Dallas legend Jack Ruby and nexus of the underground gambling rackets of the 1930s and 40s

Blue Mesa Grill Teams up with Ambhar Tequila for a series of workshops called Tequila Lab. Marcelo Nascimento, Ambhar’s lead mixologist, is teaching each lab participant how to make, mix, and enhance tequila drinks. Three drinks and a Blue Mesa menu are included with the class, so hurry and sign up if you would like to be one of the 35 participants.

7 PM Wednesday, February 29th.
Dallas/Northwest Hwy. location only – Lincoln Park, 7700 W. Northwest Hwy.
Limited to 35 participants. Please call (214) 378-8686 to sign up.
$35 per person includes drinks and appetizers.
For more information see www.bluemesagrill.com.

Not in the mood for tequila? Beer could be your answer.

For the first time in DFW history, there is going to be a Local Brewery Beer Pairing Dinner over at the Common Table. Deep Ellum Brewing Company (DEBC) is joining up with four other breweries (Franconia Brewing Co, Lakewood Brewing Co, Rahr & Sons Brewing Co and Peticolas Brewing Co) to host this sweet dinner. Chef Mike Smith will be cooking 5 courses paired with 5 beers. There are still 16 spots open for the March 5th dinner, and $15 per person is being donated to Open the Taps, a grassroots movement fighting for beer equality.

Beware of George. (photo provided by Highland Park Cafeteria)

Nothing beats stuffing your face with mashed potatoes and cherry pie while Abe Lincoln – that serious Civil War hottie – stares down at your plate.

Thankfully, Highland Park Cafeteria is making all your dreams come true with live patriotic piano music, fresh-baked pies, and decorated cookies between the hours of 11 AM to 8 PM today. Kids under ten eat free with the purchase of an adult meal for TODAY only.

What does Presidents Day have to do with kids eating free? No idea, but free food is never a bad thing. Plus, all the Presidents and their First Ladies will be there, eyeing you from their wall.

1200 N. Buckner Blvd.
214-324-5000

Teresa “Gubbshoe” Gubbins and Mike “Whole In One” Hiller tied in a race to be the first to report the closing of Horne & Dekker. Gubbshoe coaxed a quote from owner Flynn Dekker. However, Hiller has some bitchin’ discounts on laundry detergent you can download from escapehatchdallas.com.

Leslie “LaLa” Brenner ran the inside track and clearly beat the field on this announcement: Michael Sindoni, formerly of AGAINN restaurant in Washington DC, has taken the reigns as The Joule hotel’s Executive Chef and will be responsible for overseeing all food & beverage for the hotel including private banquets, room service, and the new Charlie Palmer food hall which is part of the hotel’s 2012 expansion. The restaurant will close for a short while and emerge as Charlie Palmer Steak which will be overseen by executive sous chef Joel Harrington. “LaLa” also admits she has a mild eating disorder when it comes to bread crumbs: “I am a sucker for bread crumbs,” she writes. “And they seem to be very much in the air these days. Or in the kitchen, anyway.”  And I thought it was ragweed! (SideThought: Who thought the name AGAINN was a good idea?) Moving on.

EaterDallas needs a boost to their self esteem. This morning they use today’s warm weather forecast as a clever lead into the riveting announcement of Eater Hottest Chef Competition. Then they bash themselves over the head for doing so: “…while we’ve never been great at weather metaphors we are about to get real good at giving you some eye candy. Who is the hottest?” I think the metaphor worked beautifully. After all, it is as hot as Dean Fearing outside at this very moment and the forecast says late afternoon temperatures will be as cool as Matt McCallister. Good work, Merritt!

The 8^th Annual Savor Dallas is almost here! March 30-31 to be exact. Cue the press release quote from Jim “Red” White:  “We are excited to see Savor Dallas grow from its downtown Dallas base to include new events in Bishop Arts and Las Colinas.” says Jim White, Savor Dallas co-founder along with his wife Vicki Briley-White. “We’ve added a cool concert at the Kessler Theater, and created some great cooking and tasting opportunities that will benefit local food and wine groups like Les Dames d’Escoffier.” The White’s and company have lined up some big names in the business and have 400 premium wines to pour. It’s all here. Or call 888-728-6747.

My initial response is: if you can circle the earth twice, why don’t you just drop off a few million pounds in places where one chicken for a village causes more excitement than the Super Bowl.

My secondary response is actually a question: How many chickens does it take to make 25 billion chicken wings. Hah! You say: do the math dummy; one chicken has only two wings. But your assumption would be wrong. I turned to the Wing-onomics department (true!) at The National Chicken Council for an answer.

You’ll have to jump because you, like chickens, cannot fly.

Wing-onomics

The vast majority of wings, especially those destined for foodservice, are disjointed, with the third joint (the thin part known as the flapper) being exported to Asian countries and the meatier first and second joints being sold domestically.  The wing is usually split into two parts or portions, known as the “drumette” and the mid-section or “flat” and sold to food service or retail outlets.

A chicken has two wings, and chicken companies are not able to produce wings without the rest of the chicken.  Therefore, the supply of wings is limited by the total number of chickens produced.  When the demand for wings is stronger than the demand for other chicken parts, the price of wings will go up. Wing prices always go up in the fourth quarter of the year as restaurants stock up for the Super Bowl and prices usually peak in January during the run-up to the big game.

In the Midwest, for instance which includes Indianapolis, home of Super Bowl XLVI, the price of wings (whole) for the week of January 16-20, 2012 was $1.96/lb wholesale, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Poultry Market News Service.   This represents a 50 percent increase in price from six months ago in July, 2011.

“The good news for consumers,” said NCC’s Roenigk, “is that food service and retail outlets generally plan months in advance for the NFL playoffs and Super Bowl Sunday, meaning that increased wholesale costs for the most part aren’t passed on to consumers’ plates.”

That’s great news. You might find this interesting as well.

According to NPD Group data, not all regions of the country are equal when it comes to eating wings.

This year’s Super Bowl matchup between the New York Giants and New England Patriots should hold wing consumption relatively steady compared to last year’s levels.   That is because New Englanders and Patriots fans are six percent less likely than the national average to order chicken wings at a food service establishment, but fans of the New York Giants and those others in the Mid-Atlantic region are 24 percent more likely.

A New York Giants – Baltimore Ravens match-up would have produced maximum wing consumption out of the four possible Super Bowl match-ups.   Those in the South Atlantic region, including Ravens fans, are 27 percent more likely than the national average to order chicken wings at a food service establishment.

Should the San Francisco 49ers have won in overtime and faced the Patriots, wing consumption would have taken a hit. Those in the in the Pacific region are 34 percent less likely to order wings.

I didn’t have the balls (that’s another story) to ask what would have happened if the Dallas Cowboys had made it to the Super Bowl, but my guess is that sales at Wingstop, based in Richardson, would have quadrupled and they would have probably had to rely on duck or grackle wings to meet the demand. As it is, Wingstop, with 500 locations, plans to “sauce and toss 5.6 Million Wings on Super Sunday.”

Obviously either Tim Byres, Christopher Jeffers, or Chris Zielke (or all three!) would rule the roost. Today the triumvirate announced two more projects. The owners of Smoke and Bar Belmont took over the 3-acre plot of land that used to be Jack’s Backyard. (Fort Worth Avenue and Pittman St.) First up: Chicken Scratch, a family-friendly restaurant serving—wait for it—“cast-iron fried and wood-fired rotisserie chicken with wholesome handmade sides.” It’s “slow fast food.” (Wouldn’t it be fast slow food? I’ll leave that one for someone else like Jack Perkins.)

Next door to The Scratching Chicken, I mean Chicken Scratch, will be The Foundry. Sounds serious, right? Nope. The Foundry will be a bar offering simple drinks. (Drama! Do I sense a struggle between mixolgists v bartenders?) The drinks with be simple and strong. (I could say something about my ex-husband here but I’ll let it pass.) There will be beer—lots of drafts and bottles and microbrews plus “usual suspects.” Affordable! Live music! And, if they can swing it: the property will be able to “host food and merchandise trucks, drive-in movies, and other community themed events.”

The Foundry is scheduled in early January 2012 and Chicken Scratch “soon after.” (I still think they should have named it Petticoat Junction. Wouldn’t you eat chicken at the Shady Rest? Such a duh.)

Trending: “Scratch” in a restaurant name, fried chicken, and regular bartenders without pork pie hands and mutton chops.” Somebody get me a Realtor.

Jennifer Newbold will work under Kent Rathbun.

I love press releases. I live for them. I get maybe 60 a day. Sometimes more. Sometimes they piss me off. Other times they crack me up. In the spirit of fun, I bring you the opening line of : RATHBUN’S BLUE PLATE KITCHEN INTRODUCES CHEF JENNIFER NEWBOLD

“Today Rathbun’s Blue Plate Kitchen introduced Chef Jennifer Newbold, who will work directly under Executive Chef and Partner, Kent Rathbun.”

Yow. Zah. That could make it hard to reach the salamander! But seriously, Rathbun has added a new female chef which always makes me happy. Newbold has been in Rathbun’s fold (clearing throat) for some time. She’s cheffed at Jasper’s. Before that she cooked at Blue Point Coastal Cuisine in San Diego. She’s originally from Washington where “she often hunted, fished, and cooked with her dad, as well as cultivated fruit and vegetable gardens at home. Working directly with the land and its bounty developed her interest in food and has carried over into her career, as Newbold regularly engages with local farmers to ensure that Blue Plate Kitchen’s menu features dishes as fresh and local as possible.”

Kinky. Okay, all in fun. If we can’t kid each other who can we kid?

Oh yeah, it's for real.

We’re suckers for any press release that contains the following sentences:

• Yes, this is really real.
• Don’t you judge us; we all knew it would end up here someday.
• And yeah, your right we probably did go too far this time.
• Sorry, Mom.

It seems a couple well-intentioned entrepreneurs have teamed up with J&D’s Foods to create a little something they’re calling baconlube—the world’s first bacon-flavored, water-based, American-made, personal lubricant.

Billing itself as the “gold standard of meat-flavored massage oils” (natch) baconlube, they say, is like the McRib of sex: it’s delicious, makes men crazy, is here for a limited time, and is in short supply.

If you’re thinking “stocking stuffer!” (let’s stay on track here), we’re right behind you. But the boys only made 3,000 bottles of this pork-flavored nectar. It hit the interwebs yesterday at www.baconlube.com. How much, you ask, for a product that promises such a satisfying holiday season? Only $11.99.

you know you want more. jump for it…Still on the fence? Here’s a little rationalization.

FACT – People are passionate about bacon.  According to a recent survey of Canadians by Maple Leaf Foods, Canada’s market leader in the bacon category, when asked to choose between bacon and sex, more than four in 10 (43%) chose bacon.  Thanks to baconlube, Canadians will never have to choose between two of life’s greatest pleasures again.  So you’re welcome Canada, you’re welcome – we’ve got your back.

Need I mention, we’ve requested a sample?

Who are you? I’ve been getting press releases from you for a long time but for the life of me I can’t remember meeting you. I do understand that you live underground and you cook a lot there as well, but do you ever actually come out during the day?

You talk funny. I mean, you write funny. You “sound” like you are totally hip and in with all of the IN people which explains a lot about our relationship. It’s so cool that you are throwing a birthday party for yourself on October 23! You must have lots of friends! Three LIVE bands, CAJUN food, and BYOB! Totally bitchin’. And Thursday, you only have 20 seats left for your super secret dinner in Deep Ellum. Have you done the math? Do you think you can get that many people under the ground in Deep Ellum? It must be so freakin’ dark, dude. Six courses for $66? That dinner is like so effin’ New Testament! And payable in “unmarked, untraceable cash only”? Brilliant.

Keep it up and maybe you’ll get your own restaurant one day. Oh, wait. My spirit is shaking. I’m getting an incoming subliminal message from, wait…oh…I can’t quite make out the voice, I can only hear pigs squealing. Oh, now  it’s clear. It’s  Steven Doyle LIVE from the State Fair. He says you have a “concept portfolio”  for a future restaurant called Twenty-Seven. Far out, it sounds so Satanic! Will you take American Express? Awesome. Keep us posted.

Good luck,

Nancy Nichols

Maple & Motors and Bob’s Steakhouse are included among our 45 nominated restaurants in nine regions across the country. I thought you might want to encourage your readers to visit  and vote for their favorite Southwest restaurant.

M&M is nominated cuz:  “Packs of guys and families alike gather inside a nondescript little building in Dallas so short and squat it looks like it has a flat-top haircut, kicking it to the jukebox and chomping thick jalapeno-cheddar burgers and brisket sandwiches.” And Bob’s?: “It’s a classic steak joint where rich men with outsized egos feast upon hunks of prime beef with beautiful women of almost unfair proportions. It’s Texas, in every sense of the word.”

Well, down here we all know “rich men with outsized egos” is redundant.  And “packs of guys”? The collective noun I would have chosen would have been “a rout of guys.” Why? Because the dudes at M & M tend to howl. So is it not “manly” to eat at a breastaurant? I’m so confused.

Anybody else offering free margaritas in Dallas on Cinco de Mayo?

Update: Sevy’s Grill is offering complimentary Quervo Silver Margaritas or Palomas from 5 – 7 pm!