Oh yeah, it's for real.

We’re suckers for any press release that contains the following sentences:

• Yes, this is really real.
• Don’t you judge us; we all knew it would end up here someday.
• And yeah, your right we probably did go too far this time.
• Sorry, Mom.

It seems a couple well-intentioned entrepreneurs have teamed up with J&D’s Foods to create a little something they’re calling baconlube—the world’s first bacon-flavored, water-based, American-made, personal lubricant.

Billing itself as the “gold standard of meat-flavored massage oils” (natch) baconlube, they say, is like the McRib of sex: it’s delicious, makes men crazy, is here for a limited time, and is in short supply.

If you’re thinking “stocking stuffer!” (let’s stay on track here), we’re right behind you. But the boys only made 3,000 bottles of this pork-flavored nectar. It hit the interwebs yesterday at www.baconlube.com. How much, you ask, for a product that promises such a satisfying holiday season? Only $11.99.

you know you want more. jump for it…Still on the fence? Here’s a little rationalization.

FACT – People are passionate about bacon.  According to a recent survey of Canadians by Maple Leaf Foods, Canada’s market leader in the bacon category, when asked to choose between bacon and sex, more than four in 10 (43%) chose bacon.  Thanks to baconlube, Canadians will never have to choose between two of life’s greatest pleasures again.  So you’re welcome Canada, you’re welcome – we’ve got your back.

Need I mention, we’ve requested a sample?

UPPITY DATE: This link from a adult beverage wholesaler.

Hunky Town, Twin Pricks, Tooter’s, Pecker’s Hot Italian Sausage, Tube Steak Junction, Cake Balls to the Walls, Nuts and Butts, Quickies, Long Dong Silver, Tally Whacker’s, Love Mussels, Wee Willie’s, Twig and Berries.

Ladies, the floor is open.

If you look like this, you can sling burgers to 350-pound men. Or work at D Magazine.

Ladies and gentlemen, and I use the terms loosely, it is officially raining burgers in Dallas. The latest twist on ground beef between two buns is Heart Attack Grill from Phoenix. I would have thought yesterday’s press release a joke if I hadn’t passed the original location in Phoenix a couple of years ago.

Their motto? “Treating anorexia since 2005.” Their objective? “Always keeping the patient’s budget in mind, you’ll have the comfort of knowing that all your meals are absolutely free once you reach the 350 pound goal weight. Imagine the joy of knowing you’ve finally achieved something!” Their sales pitch? “Doctors agree that continually cycling body weight up and down is one of the very worst things a person can do to themselves. That’s why our program is focused upon keeping your weight in an extremely stable, gradual, and constant upward slope.”

Whatever. You won’t have to wait long to be served a Quadruple Bypass Burger®, an order of Flatliner Fries®, a Butterfat Shake®, and a Taste Worth Dying For®–they are opening a location on Market Street in Dallas in June.

Looking for a job? “Imagine earning a great salary while giving away free food to people who weigh over 350 pounds!”

I have a sense of humor but this kinda makes me sick. Check out their website and give me your opinion. Have they gone too far or am I officially a fuddy duddy?

I resigned from The Dallas Observer and now full time at the Critic’s Guide that will premiere Monday morning.

The Critic’s Guide is the brainchild of Dave Faries, another dude who quit the Observer. Faries and Doyle will be joined by Mark Stuertz, yet another dude who quit the Observer. Why didn’t Dave just call it Food By Dudes? Critic’s Guide debuts  on Monday. I  FREAKIN’ CAN’T WAIT.

Les deets.

FORMER DALLAS FOOD CRITIC INTRODUCES ONLINE

FOOD AND WINE MAGAZINE TO THE METROPLEX

Dave Faries Launches Critic’s Guide Next Week

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

October 14, 2010

Dallas, Texas – Noted food writer and critic Dave Faries, formerly of The Dallas Observer and Prague Post introduce Critic’s Guide; an exciting new online magazine covering the Dallas-Fort Worth dining scene.  Critic’s Guide is set to debut the week of October 18 at www.criticsguide.com.

Featuring four professional restaurant reviews by Faries and James Beard award-winning writer Mark Stuertz each week, Critic’s Guide also showcases local chefs, cocktail culture, dining trends, wines, vegetarian restaurants, cigars and more. In addition, visitors to the online magazine will find a searchable guide to recommended establishments and a useful events calendar.

Amongst the restaurants slated for review next week are The Green Room and Stephan Pyles’ new multi-course extravaganza Fuego.

With more than 20 years’ experience in journalism including TV and radio, Faries spent seven years writing for the Dallas Observer and three years in Europe.  Additionally, Faries served on the panel naming the annual World’s 50 Best Restaurants list and edited several restaurant guides. He has also produced PBS documentary features for the series Outdoor Pennsylvania and the nationally distributed full-length documentary The Vanishing Civil War.

Mark Stuertz earned a James Beard Award for his food writing with the Dallas Observer. With a career that began two decades ago as a distinguished wine and food writer in San Francisco, Stuertz has most recently contributed to the Fort Worth Star Telegram.

”Critic’s Guide is a magazine solely focused on dining and nightlife.  We hope to be a comprehensive source information and fun for those interested in food, wine, special events,” says Faries. “We will have several recognized contributors including Steven Doyle, Brad Cameron of the popular blog Dallas Vegan.”

For more information go to www.criticsguide.com, call 214-609-2045 or follow on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dallas-TX/Critics-Guide/115634368491156 and Twitter @CriticsGuideDFW.

Disclaimer: Let me preface the following by saying that I was raised by Pennsylvania Dutch parents, which explains a lot about what I’m about to say:

When I was growing up, the list of what my parents “didn’t believe in” (mayonnaise, private cars, food made by strangers, and tuna from a can) was almost as long as the list of what they actively feared (avocados, botulism, spices of all kinds, and activities that attracted more than four people). That being said, both going to the State Fair and eating spicy foods were completely out of the question.  (My only experience of going to a Fair came in 1976 when our elderly neighbors staged a  pity-abduction and took my brother and me in the back of their wood-paneled Travelall.  Sidenote: once we got there, I was both too thrilled and too afraid to eat anything.)

So, imagine the illicit charge I got (as both a food writer and Fair virgin) as I noshed my way through the tastings at last night’s Fair Food sneak peek in the Food & Fiber Pavillion. From this year’s bumper crop of  TX commestibles, three standouts made my list for best bets for stocking the goodie-corner of my pantry.

• Luscombe Farms’ Jalepeno Peach and Sweetfire Confetti jellies. Creator/owner Leslie Luscombe’s zippy condiments won Best in Show and People’s Choice awards at this year’s Zest Fest.
• In a Pickle sweet and hot pickle slices. I’m dressing burgers  with them as soon as I finish typing this.
• Bugtussle Burn salsa, a sweet salsa with a sexy back end.
• Alberto’s relish, a julienned catch-all condiment that could end up being a pantry staple in my house.

Since most of these products are brand-spanking new (some only a few months-old) their year-round distribution is limited. So, consider this your opportunity to stock up at the pavillion’s  foodie store. As for me, I’ll be busy overcompensating – standing in the middle of a crowd and eating spicy guacamole made by complete strangers while I wait for them to take me for a ride in their car.