Tillman's s'mores. Photo by Gustav Schmiege for D Magazine.

I review theater, not food. Sometimes movies, but mostly theater. I get to see the show only once, and the measure is, would I like to go back, and see this again? Would I bring someone else to discover it, too, so I can watch their face instead of the stage? Of course, no matter what I think, someone, somewhere is going to think I’m wrong. But I hope we can all appreciate decent writing, and recognize good intentions and the desire to be fair.

Which brings me to Mark Vamos’ no-star review of Tillman’s Roadhouse, published at the end of last month in The Dallas Morning News. We don’t give stars here, and even if we did, I’d have nothing to do with that and no basis on which to award them. The last time we reviewed the Dallas location was in 2007. As I mentioned, I’m a theater critic, not a food critic, for many reasons (Exhibit A: I don’t like seafood, which my friend Michael—a cook—tells me repeatedly is like saying I don’t like sandwiches.). But to me, no stars means there’s absolutely no reason on Earth for anyone to set foot in that restaurant. I humbly disagree. For me, there are at least two. But I’ll leave a dissection of the main courses to the professionals (though the ones I’ve had have been just fine), and talk about the tater tots.

Let’s go.

When I moved back to Dallas a little more than a year ago, the adjustment was rough. A bright spot: access to tater tots, one of my primary food groups sadly lacking on the East Coast. A friend pointed me to Tillman’s, where they serve something that sounded tailor-made for my picky palate—goat cheese tater tots, drizzled with truffle oil. I know that people don’t necessarily care for these. But I am firmly convinced that these soft, creamy, delightfully greasy nuggets are the best things I’ve ever tasted. I don’t care about “snap” or “crisp,” though last night’s tots were actually crispier than usual. Still not the point. The point is the warm chèvre, mixed with a little potato, and it is so, so good. It’s a cure for whatever ails me: long work day, relationship trouble, friendships gone sour, creative insecurity. I can walk into Tillman’s a nasty, scowling storm cloud of emotion, sink into a pillow-strewn booth along the wall, and walk out stuffed and happy, savoring that last tot, tipsy off a single 87 Ways.

I’ve been at least once every couple of months since last June (certainly since the restaurant changed execu chefs).  What other restaurant in Dallas so consistently makes me forget my petty, petty problems? I tend to order the same thing every time—giant salad, tater tots, 87 Ways—because I know what I like and I’m a small person (I can’t order starter, main, dessert, or I’d blow up like blueberry Violet Beauregard). The roasted beet salad, with large leaf lettuce and goat cheese, tastes better to me than Bolsa’s. The mac ‘n cheese is appropriately gooey and peppered with just enough bacon. Service two nights ago, as usual, was quick, friendly, and efficient.

But all of this is sort of secondary. The tots give me a primary reason to go back, again and again, and nothing about this Bishop Arts outpost, from the kitschy decor to the rest of the menu, has persuaded me that I shouldn’t.

My surprise package from Pookies Donuts

I woke up this morning craving two things: donuts and a Big Breakfast from McDonald’s (don’t ask me why). The universe must really love me, because I walked into work this morning only to discover a big box of donuts sitting on my desk. It came with a mysterious note from Rinny & Joaquin Lewis: “Mark suggested we bring these by. Thank you [insert smiley face].”

Er, thanks for the donuts, guys, but… who are you?? Have we met before? And what did I do to deserve these fatty donuts? Three weeks ago, I gave a random man my extra DART ticket, but that was the latest act of kindness I can remember…

A thorough Google search tells me that that Pookies Donuts opened at 6522 Lemmon Ave. last month, its Facebook page has 63 likes, and needs a new cashier who can speak English and won’t send emails.

Cashier needed for Pookies Donuts. The newest hippest Donut shop in Dallas near Love Field Air Port You must be friendly and outgoing and able to work in a fast pace environment. Position is early mornings till 1:30 pm. Our Donut shop is a fun working environment with great customers. And our donuts are very creative. You must be reliable; being bilingual is a PLUS.
We are Hiring this week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EMAILS WILL NOT BE ANSWERED EMAILS WILL NOT BE ANSWERED EMAILS WILL NOT BE ANSWERED EMAILS WILL NOT BE ANSWERED
MUST Apply in Person at MUST Apply in Person at MUST Apply in Person at
Pookies Donuts 8AM TILL 12:30 PM ONLY 8AM TILL 12:30 PM ONLY 8AM TILL 12:30 PM ONLY
6522 Lemmon Ave Dallas TX 75209
Must be able to speak English$$$$$$$

As for these crazy-looking donuts sitting on my desk, they are being approached hesitantly by co-workers who are well past the age of Fruity Pebbles and Froot Loops. The blueberry donut had good reviews, but it was the only normal donut in this box of ten. To be honest, I haven’t touched a single one of these donuts yet. They look like they could eat me.

Oh yeah, it's for real.

We’re suckers for any press release that contains the following sentences:

• Yes, this is really real.
• Don’t you judge us; we all knew it would end up here someday.
• And yeah, your right we probably did go too far this time.
• Sorry, Mom.

It seems a couple well-intentioned entrepreneurs have teamed up with J&D’s Foods to create a little something they’re calling baconlube—the world’s first bacon-flavored, water-based, American-made, personal lubricant.

Billing itself as the “gold standard of meat-flavored massage oils” (natch) baconlube, they say, is like the McRib of sex: it’s delicious, makes men crazy, is here for a limited time, and is in short supply.

If you’re thinking “stocking stuffer!” (let’s stay on track here), we’re right behind you. But the boys only made 3,000 bottles of this pork-flavored nectar. It hit the interwebs yesterday at www.baconlube.com. How much, you ask, for a product that promises such a satisfying holiday season? Only $11.99.

you know you want more. jump for it…Still on the fence? Here’s a little rationalization.

FACT – People are passionate about bacon.  According to a recent survey of Canadians by Maple Leaf Foods, Canada’s market leader in the bacon category, when asked to choose between bacon and sex, more than four in 10 (43%) chose bacon.  Thanks to baconlube, Canadians will never have to choose between two of life’s greatest pleasures again.  So you’re welcome Canada, you’re welcome – we’ve got your back.

Need I mention, we’ve requested a sample?

I don’t know if I told you, but I have a thing for donuts.  Maybe that’s a bit of an understatement.  But it’s rare, in this city, to find a place that is willing to push the limits when it comes to these tasty morsels of fried dough and sugar (obvious exceptions excluded).  Therefore, any donut news is good news in my book, and any upstart entrepreneur that is daring enough to risk their livelihood, families, pets, and entire life’s savings on the humble donut is A-OK with me.

When the buzz around Denton Square Donuts began to surface a number of months ago, I was intrigued to say the least.  The obviously non-traditional shape of these donuts is enough to rouse one’s attention, but most donuteers will recall similarly shaped offerings at the mighty Doughnut Plant in NYC.  The toppings which adorn DSD’s baked goods are also enough to get the salivary juices flowing: Brie with Apricot Jelly, Cream Cheese and Jalapeno Jelly, Apple Pie, and the nearly-ubiquitous Bacon and Maple.  Yet still, some may argue that places like Hypnotic, Gourdoughs in Austin, and Voodoo in Portland have been offering up equally ambitious donuts for years.

(L-to-R: The Samoan, Lemon, Apple Pie)

Still, there is enough originality and adventure at Denton Square Donuts to justify a mini-excursion to this quaint corner of the world know as Denton Square.  Undoubtedly, the most chatter/uproar/praise is likely to stem from the unorthodox texture of these donuts.  Indeed, to say that they more closely mirror a baked turnover is not a far cry.  One should not expect the golden greasy bits of fried dough we have all come to expect from a donut (mind you, I am in love with these golden grease traps).  Instead, Denton Square’s are baked up light and flakey, but still sweet and tender.  Jellies, creams, and icings are made with love and each donut is hand-crafted with care.

Of the handful of items on the menu board, I sampled as many as I thought my stomach could handle (and he gave it a pretty solid performance, I must say). I quickly fell in love with the “Samoan” with vanilla icing, toasted coconut, chocolate chips and caramel bits.  The “Cinnamon Doughst” was also a pleaser, with creamy vanilla frosting, vanilla glaze, and a sprinkle of cinnamon/sugar, all complementing the lightness of the donut perfectly.  The Bacon Maple was well executed and incorporated the much-loved combination of salty and sweet admirably.

Although DSD’s rendition of this classic American comfort food could never replace my beloved standard fried version, it’s nice to know that after a night of grease-drunk debauchery, filled with fried bubblegum, fried butter, and fried salsa, one can wake up to the lighter side of breakfast and still go home a happy camper.

Denton Square Donuts

208 W Oak Street

Denton, TX

(photo by Kevin Marple, styling by Angela Yeung)

If you’ve traveled through Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam then you are familiar with this popular dish. Although pho hasn’t quite made it to the mainstream breakfast menus in Dallas, it’s the common way to start your day in many countries. Recently Sarah Reiss ate pho for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and several bowls in between and files this story on pho.

Though pho (pronounced fuh) is far from new to North Texas, the recent surge of openings has reintroduced the signature soup of Vietnam to the mainstream. For newbies, let us explain the allure. It’s a savory broth (generally beef, chicken, or pork) seasoned with coriander, basil, star anise, and green onion; ladled over flat rice noodles and paper-thin tenderloin, brisket, chicken, or pork; and garnished with fresh bean sprouts, herbs, lime quarters, and varying quantities of hot chili paste. It might not sound much different than any other soup, but it tastes like magic.

Here is a a pho primer and a list of our favorite places. Tell us yours.

“Dallas, don’t be surprised if you see a Moose driving down the highway or floating in the sky. Dallas will have its share of “Moose sightings” this month due to the Grand Opening of Dallas’ first Smiling Moose Deli location in West Plano at Hebron Parkway/Park Boulevard, one block west of Midway. The Colorado based company will be one of Dallas’ hippest new delis providing patrons with breakfast, lunch and dinner selections, hearty portions and fresh ingredients far superior than their competitors…all served in a warm, (sic) décor with hints of both Colorado and Texas, as seen by (sic) their ski, snowboard and professional sports collections.

Grand Opening Day is this Thursday, September 15th from 8:00 am – 9:00 pm. Festivities will begin when Mo the Moose (the official mascot of Smiling Moose Deli) arrives as Dallas’ newest resident by air in a giant 6 story tall hot air balloon.

But wait, there’s more…

Official hot air balloon arrival time is 10:30 am so get your cameras ready. Daryl “Moose” Johnston (co-owner of the deli and former Dallas Cowboy legend and current Fox commentator) will be there to greet him as he lands…

… Following Grand Opening Day, look for additional Moose Sightings as Mo the Moose (or his sidekick Mini Mo) takes to our DFW highways in a motorcycle sidecar as he learns his way around our fabulous city. When you spot his sidecar, be sure and look for the QR code which will link you directly to the Smiling Moose website for information and coupons. The deli will also be catering to kids and families throughout the weekend with fun giveaways such as: t-shirts, food, Moose antlers and Smiling Moose footballs.

The donut is America’s unsung hero.

For decades these delicacies have been fueling this nation’s finest law enforcement officers, and without them your streets would be overrun with all kinds of riffraff. Countless early morning board meetings have been brightened by the magical combination of sugar and fried dough. And where would Homer Simpson be without his signature pink icing with sprinkles? Not season 587, I assure you!

Despite their iconic nature, frankly speaking, truly exceptional donuts are not easy to find in Dallas.  I don’t think I am alone in my sentiments towards the Dallas donut scene.  While this city is surely not lacking in the sheer number of independent donut shops, it is eerie how incredibly similar and mundane most neighborhood shops have become.

But for the valiant donuteer, all hope is not lost.  I have scoured this land for three years searching for something extraordinary.  Of course, it would be unrealistic for a person to try every donut shop in this city (and still live to tell about it).  So I’ve hunted for suggestions from every corner I could think of (blogs, Chowhound, Yelp, Urban Spoon, magazines, newspapers, Twitter, Facebook, the cops at Waffle House) and ate my way through enough donut shops to personally ensure the future of Lipitor. Luckily, fantastic donuts do exist in this city.

Here I present to you, in no particular order, the five best places for donuts in and around Dallas.

1.   Mustang Donuts (Pictured above) One of my first weeks in Dallas, I was cruising down Hillcrest Avenue, for some reason, on a Saturday morning.  Suddenly I beheld a line stretching out the door of a humble donut shop and down the sidewalk. Needless to say, I hit the brakes, and partook of Mustang Donuts for the first time.  For years Mustang has been shamelessly assisting the SMU crowd achieve its “freshman 15.”  Some say a Mustang bear claw temporarily boosts your IQ at least 10 points, critical before taking that econ test you crammed all night for.   Don’t leave without sampling their legendary apple fritter.  Warm fried dough and crisp, sweet apple gently embrace under a silky sheet of translucent sugar glaze.  It’s all together ethereal.

The holes from Shin's

2.  Shin’s Donuts: From the outside, Shin’s looks no different from the countless other donut shops haunting every corner of this city.  Yet to say Shin’s is special is a terrible understatement.  These donuts are so light and airy, you actually weigh less after eating them.  The decadent maple bars and blueberry cake donuts are not to be missed, but it is the hot, fresh donut holes that propel this humble establishment from simple to sublime.  Owner Paul Shin will tell you he has a secret ingredient that gives these donuts their heavenly texture, but he’d sooner throw himself into a vat of scalding donut oil than share it.

3.     Jerry’s Donuts: When a place has been doing one thing for more than 41 years, and keeping a loyal following the entire time, you know they are doing things right.  The epitome of a “hidden gem,” Jerry’s has been humbly treating the small city of Farmers Branch to traditional-yet-terrific donuts.  While Jerry is no longer with us, the seasoned veterans running the shop haven’t let the standard of quality slip one whit.  Don’t leave without sampling the superb cinnamon/sugar-coated cake donut.  Jerry’s version manages to keep the inside light and moist while creating a tender crust on the outside, every nook sparkling with sugary sensuality.

Zeppole from Cane Rosso

4.     Zeppole from Cane Rosso: I realize it’s a bit of a stretch to include the much-celebrated Cane Rosso in a donut list, but I’m sure anyone who’s had the pleasure of having their deep-fried Italian donuts will not fault me for its inclusion.  The batter is laced with ricotta, giving them a unique texture which is soft yet gently crumbly.  “Melt-in-your mouth” may be cliché, but it is undeniably applicable.  Of course, a side of chocolate dipping sauce can never hurt either.

What hyppie dreams are made of

5.     Hypnotic Donuts: Owner James St. Peter has done more to spark the revolutionary fire behind the Dallas donut movement than any other man in this city.  Why, after just over a year of being in business, do flocks of devoted “hyppies” still drive hours every weekend for a taste of this madman’s fried creations?  Why do droves pack themselves into a tiny unmarked pizza shop at 7 a.m. on a weekend?  Because it’s a Hypnotic donut.  Once you know, you go.   If you haven’t had the Canadian Healthcare, you better clear up some space on your bucket list.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, so are donuts, apparently.

In the history of time there are a few moments of brilliance that stand out in my mind.  Newton discovers gravity.  Galileo proclaims that the Earth revolves around the Sun.  Einstein develops the theory of relativity.  May I add one more?  James St. Peter decides to put a donut in the freezer.  You always thought the only good donuts were advertised behind a glowing neon “Hot Doughnuts Now” sign.  Well, you were wrong.  Mind, prepare to be blown.

You can’t stop reading now.

Nothing gets me more excited than scouting out the weekly specials conjured up by Mr. St. Peter, AKA the Mad Scientist of Donuts.  James knows no bounds when it comes to concocting this city’s most adventurous pastries.  But in my opinion, perhaps his finest creation yet is the stunningly beautiful “High in the Mountains.”  I drive nearly an hour…at 7 AM…on the weekend… for his donuts, and not once have I ever regretted it.

The “High in the Mountains” takes James’ delicately sweet and slightly sticky glazed donut, sliced in half, filled with creamy strawberry frosting and juicy sliced strawberries, and topped with more strawberry frosting and a drizzle of chocolate.  The entire thing is chilled and served cold.  I don’t really know all the magic that goes on behind closed doors to give this donut its wonderful flavor or textural profile, but the finished product is truly a work of art.  The strawberry and chocolate topping is slightly hardened yet the inside remains soft and smooth.  The donut itself and the strawberries remain incredibly fresh without even a hint of freezer-burn.

Nowadays, everyone is trying to find ways to “beat the heat.” People are really starting to lose their minds out there.  So, before you decide to cook and eat bacon in your car, take a trip back to reality and pick up a piece of real American ingenuity from Hypnotic Donuts.  Keep an eye on their Facebook page to see when this little gem rears its beautiful head again on the menu.  And perhaps, with enough gentle requests to James, we can see it  there a little more often.

California fisherman need fish in the ocean.

Flaming Bananas Foster injures four in Florida.

Where to sign the “Carne Asada is Not a Crime” petition.

LeBron James has all summer to choke chew on his mouthguard.

jump for the Vitality mission statement…

At Vitality House we offer delicious, flavorful, unique dishes that are nutritionally beneficial. Our mission is to make your journey for a healthy lifestyle a simple path to follow. With the collaboration of our first class Chefs and our in-house Nutritionist, the menus we present are designed to meet the highest nutritional standards. All of our dishes are pre-portioned and nutritionally analyzed so that the biggest decision to be made is which tasty creation you will chose to enjoy!

In addition, our Nutrition and Wellness Consultants are always available for your individual goal setting, meal planning, and fitness programming.

Vitality House offers the complete package for your well balanced, healthy lifestyle.

Anywhoo, this morning I came across an interesting post on Sarah Henry’s Bay Area Bites blog. She offers advice for struggling (succulent) food bloggers. Henry maintains “talent and ideas count, so does experience, connections, timing, and, frankly, a bit of luck.”

To that I would add: have an opinion, get a good therapist, and find someone to sell you wine wholesale. Questions?