Oh yeah, it's for real.

We’re suckers for any press release that contains the following sentences:

• Yes, this is really real.
• Don’t you judge us; we all knew it would end up here someday.
• And yeah, your right we probably did go too far this time.
• Sorry, Mom.

It seems a couple well-intentioned entrepreneurs have teamed up with J&D’s Foods to create a little something they’re calling baconlube—the world’s first bacon-flavored, water-based, American-made, personal lubricant.

Billing itself as the “gold standard of meat-flavored massage oils” (natch) baconlube, they say, is like the McRib of sex: it’s delicious, makes men crazy, is here for a limited time, and is in short supply.

If you’re thinking “stocking stuffer!” (let’s stay on track here), we’re right behind you. But the boys only made 3,000 bottles of this pork-flavored nectar. It hit the interwebs yesterday at www.baconlube.com. How much, you ask, for a product that promises such a satisfying holiday season? Only $11.99.

you know you want more. jump for it…Still on the fence? Here’s a little rationalization.

FACT – People are passionate about bacon.  According to a recent survey of Canadians by Maple Leaf Foods, Canada’s market leader in the bacon category, when asked to choose between bacon and sex, more than four in 10 (43%) chose bacon.  Thanks to baconlube, Canadians will never have to choose between two of life’s greatest pleasures again.  So you’re welcome Canada, you’re welcome – we’ve got your back.

Need I mention, we’ve requested a sample?

Another Disher is excited about the game. So pumped that he is flying to St. Louis for the Games 1 and 2 (Thurs.). He wants your help.

I’m headed to St. Louis for the games. Any suggestions on where to eat.

Knock it out.

"Hello, beautiful lady. My name is Jason. I'll be your waiter tonight. You'll have 2 hours to complete your meal. And your time starts ... NOW"

[Ed. note: George poses this, in my opinion, stupid question. I am challenging him with, in my opinion, a smarter one.]

George: A couple of weeks ago, a Zagat survey reported that 60% of dinners in New York supported a time limit which allows the restaurant to boot you from your table so they can seat another party.  But we’re not New York.  So let’s ask the question to Dishers.  Would you mind a time limit?

Nancy: George, you ignorant cluck. You are right on one point: we are not New York. I hate rushed service. Take MiCocina (beat, beat). Those waiters aren’t servers they’re animal trainers. They can turn a table of six in 40 minutes. It drives me nuts. I get the same vibe at Houston’s. Every time you sit down you can feel the beat: water, menus, drinks, order, eat, dessert, BOOM. Maybe, just maybe, we are eating out to have a conversation that doesn’t fit into the restaurant’s time frame. I think no time limit is best for the customer.

George: You can’t have a conversation in under 2 hours?  Are you sitting with your fork in one hand and Blackberry in the other?  Talk, talk, tap, tap.  Assuming your waiter greets you in a timely manner, takes your order, and serves you your drinks and food, you really can’t finish in 2 hours? If not, move to the bar. I think it’s good for business.

Who is right?

This dog may look cuddly and sweet, but she could steal your burger or bite you in the leg if allowed on the patio of a restaurant.

Despite the heat, I’m seeing an uptick in the number of restaurants advertising their dog friendly patios. In mid-2008 the City of Dallas amended their ordinance allowing dogs on restaurant patios under certain conditions, such as no outside food prep, entering only through an outdoor entrance, leashed only, and not allowed to sit on tables, chairs, or counter tops.

I might take some heat for it here on SideDish, but I’m just not a fan of dogs on a restaurant patio. While 90% of dogs (and their owners) are well-behaved, that leaves 1 out of 10 that are not.  When I lived in Europe, it was very common to have dogs on the patios and inside of the restaurants, roaming at will and sitting on chairs.  I’ve had my fill of dogs sniffing around my table.

So let’s just throw this open for discussion.  Are you a fan of dog friendly patios?  Have you had any problems?

Bark.

Hunky Town, Twin Pricks, Tooter’s, Pecker’s Hot Italian Sausage, Tube Steak Junction, Cake Balls to the Walls, Nuts and Butts, Quickies, Long Dong Silver, Tally Whacker’s, Love Mussels, Wee Willie’s, Twig and Berries.

Ladies, the floor is open.

Memories. Like the corners of my mind…

To distract myself, I’m looking ahead and thinking about creating some new arcane traditions. Here’s the list of upcoming unusual holidays. Some have to do with food, but not all. And I left out the boring ones. Any ideas for ways to commemorate?

10 Lazy Day

10 National S’mores Day

10 Vinyl Record Day

12 Middle Child Day

14 National Creamsicle Day

17 National Thriftshop Day

18 Bad Poetry Day

21 Spumoni Day

23 Ride the Wind Day

24 Vesuvius Day

24 National Waffle Day

25 Kiss and Make Up Day

26 National Dog Day (hot or furry)

30 Frankenstein Day

30 Toasted Marshmallow Day

31 National Trail Mix Day

Kräftskiva, the IKEA crayfish (crawfish) party, is coming on August 19 (image courtesy of IKEA)

I know, I know, it’s a slow news day (and I’m feeling lethargic after lunch), but I thought I’d throw this debate out there anyway:

IKEA is having their annual Kräftskiva (or all-you-can-eat Swedish crayfish party) on August 19. $9.99 for adults/$2.49 for kids under 12.

My question: Is this something you’d attend?

Before you jump to answer, here are some points to consider:

jump to avoid the work that you really should be doing…

I. The Menu – clearly not limited to crayfish

• tossed green salad
• cucumber salad
• hard-boiled eggs with mayo & shrimp
• shell-on prawns with cocktail sauce
• Najad salmon with horseradish sauce or mustard sauce
• Crayfish
• breads & cheeses
• meatballs w/lingonberries
• mashed potatoes
• boiled new potatoes
• desserts & beverages

II. It’s on a Friday

III. The place will be a zoo

IV. The drive to Frisco

V. Opportunity to pick up a gross of white curtains

VI. Distance from the ocean

VII. Value for the dollar

VIII. No liquor

IX. Someone else doing the cooking

X. The woman in the picture is probably not the one who will be serving you.

XI. Lingering smell

XII. Novelty factor

Discuss…

Yes, now you can forget about loving your fellow man, these holidays are all about loving you some food. The good folks at TheNibble.com actually went to the trouble of compiling a list. You’ll want to merge this with your Google calendar so you don’t miss out on a chance to throw a party for National Lasagna Day. (Too bad that one doesn’t fall on a weekday; the office party, and all of the mournful moaning afterward, would be epic.)

Jump for the remaining July holidays…

July 26: National Coffee Milkshake Day
July 27: National Crème Brûlée Day
July 27: National Scotch Day
July 28: National Milk Chocolate Day
July 29: Cheese Sacrifice Purchase Day
July 29: National Lasagna Day
July 30: National Cheesecake Day
July 31: National Raspberry Cake Day
July 31: Cotton Candy Day
July 31: Jump for Jelly Beans Day

The detritus—evidence of a job well done. (Photo by Dorothy Shain)

Yesterday, plucky intern Kelsy McCraw attended the Libertine Bar’s July 4 Brass Knuckle Corndog Beatdown (hey, somebody had to do it). Read on for her report, if you dare. Don’t say we didn’t warn you…

With 2:39 left in the competition, the first contender to loose her stomach in the Libertine’s Brass Knuckle Corndog Beatdown rushed outside, yarked, then returned to finish 13 corndogs in 15 minutes.

Jump to read on, if you dare…

Corndog Beatdown winner, Jesse Hughey (left); cleaning up the ...you know...(right). (Photos by Dorothy Shain)

“That puke was for America!” said Gavin Mulloy, master of ceremonies for the Libertine Bar’s 3rd Annual Brass Knuckle Corndog Beatdown. Sadly, despite her contribution, she didn’t even place.

Jesse Hughey, aka The Human Trash Compactor, did. He stuffed down 19 corndogs—that’s nearly 5,000 calories—in 15 minutes and walked away with a $100 bar tab for his first-place finish. Spectators, some standing on bar stools for a better vantage point, wore expressions of awe and disgust.

Tongue-in-cheek (we hope) family support. (Photo by Dorothy Shain)

How did Hughey feel after the contest? “Terrible,” he said. “But, it’s not really painful so much as it’s uncomfortable.” And why the masochism? “The bar tab. This is my favorite bar,” he said, and as a side note, “it’s about willpower, as well.”

Hughey’s family came to the Libertine for support. “I’m so proud of him,” his mother said, only half-jokingly. His 9-year-old son carried a sign displaying “Eat ‘dem weenies Daddy!”

The losers sweat it out (left); the winners celebrate (right). (Photos by Dorothy Shain)

This was Hughey’s third time participating in the Libertine’s event, and his third time placing. In 2009, he placed first with 16 dogs, and in 2010, he placed second with 18. He says some “pro of a kid” came in and beat him last year, but that he didn’t see him this year. “He can’t even use the bar tab!” he exclaimed.

With 5,000 calories in this stomach, you’d think it’d be days before Hughey could look at food again, but he says he is usually back to normal by the next day. “I’ll actually be starving because my stomach will be so stretched out.”

I, once again, disregarded my mother’s advice, and decided to sink to a new low: I would like to  start a list of douchey bars and restaurants in Dallas. Calling a place douchey– uninteresting, stale, preppy, mainstream, especially in a self-promoting way–swings both ways. Some people look for douchery while others avoid it. So, the term isn’t necessarily negative,  it’s just an adjective. On your mark, get set, procrastinate below.

Whole Foods has recently introduced Austin-based Sans Diet Soda to the market. The gimmick: Sans is free of artificial sweeteners and colors, and has no sugar or calories. The company partnered with Truvia to sweeten the drinks without that a weird bitter aftertaste a lot of other stevia-based drinks have.

The sodas come in five flavors: orange, lemon lime, cola, black cherry, and root beer.

So, what do you think? Is it natural? Is it cheating? But more than that, is it any good?

Trailercakes within arm's reach.

Here it is, 2:30 on a Tuesday and my energy level is so low that it’s somewhere down on the 20th floor. I’ve eaten a balanced diet today, so I know this isn’t a sugar crash (although that Nutter Butter I pinched from the top of Rhonda’s peanut butter & jelly Trailercakes cupcake didn’t help). I’ve walked around the block, gotten some fresh air, and visited with the clever kids in the art department; all to no avail. I’m starting to eye up the RedBull fridge (yes, we have a separate refrigerator just for RedBull).

My brother swears that eating five almonds very slowly does the trick for him; my friend Jo tells me to keep a baggie of chocolate covered espresso beans handy.

How about you. Any wisdom to share? Anyone? Anyone? Those cupcakes are looking mighty tempting.