There is a thing. Or things. They are called Doritos Loaded. Imagine a fried wedge of cheese, only the batter-crust is made of crushed Doritos. Then imagine putting them in your mouth. And know that as you chew them, you will hate yourself because they are essentially a plot point from Idiocracy and each one is 90 calories (6 grams of fat, 270 milligrams of sodium), which means that a serving of four will put 360 calories into your belly, with an accompanying 1,080 milligrams of sodium. And that’s a snack. When they come out with the meal version of the Doritos Loaded (which you know they will), presumably it will be 7,000 calories and contain enough salt that it will cure your carcass from the inside.
Why am I telling you all this? I am telling you all this because I ate 1.5 Doritos Loaded yesterday after a pack of four was delivered to the office by representatives of 7-Eleven to promote the fact that Dallas will get a chance to kill itself with this foodstuff weeks before the rest of the country has a shot at it. Oh, thank heaven!
Listen, I like 7-Eleven. I eat lunch there way too regularly. But I do it by consuming a turkey sandwich on wheat bread, and the entire thing contains fewer calories (and far less sodium) than four Doritos Loaded. (PS: I do this not because I lead a healthy life; I do it because I drink way too much beer and wine. Gotta balance the booze with something that sounds healthy.) But my affinity for 7-Eleven will not stop me from saying the following: blarfghflllluuhgh. That is what it sounds like when you barf up a four-pack of Doritos Loaded. Just guessing.
Here’s how 7-Eleven describes the triangular turds from Satan’s rectum:
Behold the next generation of snacking, but be warned, this snack is not for the faint of heart. DFW is about to get something bold and 7-Eleven is giving its hometown the exclusive first taste — weeks before everyone else in the U.S.
If you are not turned off by run-on sentences generated by sloppy advertising people; if you are hungry for empty, salt-filled, processed calories; and, furthermore, if you can handle a depraved “brand extension” that involves cheese, then here’s where you can find Doritos Loaded today, weeks before everyone else in the United States learns to avoid them: 10 a.m. to 2 pm. at the 7-Eleven at 1010 Ross Ave.; and 5 p.m. to 9 p.m. at the 7-Eleven at 3716 Maple Ave.
UPDATE (9:28) A Twitter user has told me that Doritos Loaded have been available in Washington, D.C., for months. Words cannot express how betrayed I feel right now.
UPDATE (12:21) Hang on just a second. Megan Wright, who works for Ketchum, the ad firm handling PR for Doritos Loaded, sends word: “About DC — that’s incorrect. Doritos Loaded was tested in D.C. in early February, but that was just a test. They are only available in Dallas today for the tasting event, and the national launch will happen later this summer.”