What Would Happen if Women Opened Restaurants With Male Body Parts as Themes

Posted on August 23rd, 2011 2:12pm by Nancy Nichols
Filed under Bad Names For Restaurants List, Best Gay Hangout Restaurant Evah!, breastaurants, Bring it!, Cheap trick for comments, ChirpyChirpy, cupcakes, Dog Friendly, Drinking, Goats!, Hole in the wall, hostess gifts, I Went to College for This?, I'm about to get fired, Keep Dallas Douchey!, Merguez Sausage Hunt, Murmur, Newfangled condiments, Not-so-skinny bitches, Nutjobs, Overprivileged chimps, Procrastination is part of the creative process, questionable judgment, Rants, restaurant business news, RudeDudes, Silly Reasons to Celebrate, Slow News Day, Spicy foods, youthful spontaneous restaurants, Yum is Dumb

‘Scuse me while I saddle up my high horse. Am I the only woman who is concerned about the sudden surge in Breastaurants. I mean really 35 additional Twin Peaks? A bar opening in downtown called The Spread Eagle? Seriously boys? How would you like to take your daughter into one of the restaurant’s the gals in our office just conceptualized. We call them Peteries.

Hunky Town, Twin Pricks, Tooter’s, Pecker’s Hot Italian Sausage, Tube Steak Junction, Cake Balls to the Walls, Nuts and Butts, Quickies, Long Dong Silver, Tally Whacker’s, Love Mussels, Wee Willie’s, Twig and Berries.

Ladies, the floor is open.

53 comments

  1. would these be operated by Side Dish LLP?

    @ 2:20 pm on August 23, 2011

  2. You can open all the male-themed restaurants you want… I won’t go there, but who am I to judge how other people spend their time / money. I’ve never understood why women get so up-in-arms about this issue.

    @ 2:20 pm on August 23, 2011

  3. Nancy, please keep us abreast of any new developments on this topic.

    @ 2:26 pm on August 23, 2011

  4. 1. i wouldn’t take my daughter, just as i didn’t take her to hooter’s et. al.

    2. if ya’ll wanna look at a bunch of pene and scrote while eating lunch, who am i to judge?

    @ 2:29 pm on August 23, 2011

  5. not touching this one with a 10 foot pole…

    @ 2:31 pm on August 23, 2011

  6. If you do open a Peterie I have a great idea on how you can serve the onion rings!

    @ 2:31 pm on August 23, 2011

  7. Well, you’d be guaranteed a healthy gay following! What ever happened to the great American tradition of having a sense of humor? We’ve become much too concerned about being politically correct that we’ve forgotten how to have fun.

    @ 2:34 pm on August 23, 2011

  8. Big Johnson’s Hot & Spicy

    @ 2:35 pm on August 23, 2011

  9. Hey everyone, don’t forget to vote for “The Most Beautiful Women in Dallas.”

    @ 2:41 pm on August 23, 2011

  10. Is it just me, or is Velvet Taco the first Vag-staurant?

    @ 2:49 pm on August 23, 2011

  11. I think that’d be pretty funny, but straight men would be too scared to go in. How about The Cock and Kettle, Wong Dong Grill, Big Dicks, Tea Baggers English Pub, and finally Nutruckers

    @ 2:50 pm on August 23, 2011

  12. How about

    1. Howard’s Johnson

    @ 3:04 pm on August 23, 2011

  13. Miguel, I hear you loud and clear.

    @ 3:07 pm on August 23, 2011

  14. Hilarious! When did everyone become so sensitive?
    @jonfromtjs & james, you BOTH have me laughing out loud. In a day full of heat, earthquakes and hurricanes…this was a welcome relief of humor I needed.
    Thanks Nancy.

    @ 3:40 pm on August 23, 2011

  15. Go ahead and open a male themed one. I’m sure it will attract the same sad sexually starved males the Breastaurants attract, just the female version. What to call the Peteries is the best part – The Tent Pole, Pants Peak, Twin Pecs, Shaft.

    Chris – Pink Taco in Los Angeles was the first but Velvet Taco is a good candidate for first in Dallas.

    @ 3:42 pm on August 23, 2011

  16. this all goes back to the phenomenon that Wanda Sykes jokes about in her stand up routine.

    Men are visual. Strip clubs have lunch specials so men can take 20 min and go “look at it.”

    Wanda is a lesbian. She likes the same body parts. but she has zero interest in going to “look at it.”

    Open up a Petery. As Jeff says, you’ll get a mostly gay male clientelle. Its not a hetero thing. its a male thing. we’re visually stimulated simpletons.

    @ 3:43 pm on August 23, 2011

  17. Weiners R Us, Food Erection(catering), Dick Pho King.

    @ 3:47 pm on August 23, 2011

  18. If you haven’t checked to see if URLs are available for the best of those, you are missing a bet. I could *totally* see Quickies or Love Mussels as the core of a restaurant concept. Quickies would be fast food, duh. Maybe a hot dog joint? With entertaining names for the dishes. And interestingly shaped containers for the condiments…Love Mussels is, of course, seafood. Playing off the aphrodisiac reputation of raw bar? Tooter’s may run into copyright issues…1:-{)> Now, who’s got a business plan?

    @ 3:53 pm on August 23, 2011

  19. This is hilarious. Where and why has all this hidden humor been? Way to go Nancy!!

    @ 3:57 pm on August 23, 2011

  20. To capitalize on the dessert craze, I would open an ice cream/sundae shop called Exploding Bananas.

    @ 4:00 pm on August 23, 2011

  21. How about the “teenie Weenie”?

    @ 4:22 pm on August 23, 2011

  22. Well, I would call my place “Packages” and then organize the menu around small packages and large packages. No one would ever order the small packages which would then allow me to keep my kitchen crew lean and my food costs low.

    @ 4:26 pm on August 23, 2011

  23. Regardless of what women may think, if men didn’t enjoy the food (and beer) at these breast joints, they wouldn’t go. It’s not difficult to see breasts and more these days. So, it’s still about the food. That joint on Lemmon (I forgot what is was called) failed because the food sucked, the girls were pretty hot.

    @ 4:36 pm on August 23, 2011

  24. I’d order the Fromunda Cheese Dip from Twig and Berries.

    @ 5:18 pm on August 23, 2011

  25. This is one of my favorite Daily Show interviews – and it fits this thread like a . . . , well, whatever. http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/tue-june-27-2006/box-lunch

    @ 5:58 pm on August 23, 2011

  26. I like “In n Out”….it offends all sexes :)

    @ 7:23 pm on August 23, 2011

  27. @Brooks, you just took it over the top for me. Super funny!
    @Jon, best one all day.

    @ 8:46 pm on August 23, 2011

  28. Holy crap, you guys are good. I have so many I can’t print! Thanks for playing.

    @ 8:53 pm on August 23, 2011

  29. Vinny, I can’t think of the place you are talking about…

    @ 8:54 pm on August 23, 2011

  30. OMG Nancy! You are killing me! Those restaurant names are hilarious!

    @ 9:05 pm on August 23, 2011

  31. Women don’t spend money on food and sports bar. Peckers was a huge flop

    Good luck w that

    @ 9:17 pm on August 23, 2011

  32. The Flaccid Cock – Home of the Viagratini

    @ 10:00 pm on August 23, 2011

  33. Vinny: Honey Shack?

    In general: Dickie’s beat this thread by several years. Though I have heard it said that they are hard to appreciate.

    Nancy: If you extend this competition to blogs the DMN can rename itself “The Flaccid Organ”.

    @ 11:23 pm on August 23, 2011

  34. Funny, I named a well-known Dallas BBQ chain and the thought police of D replaced it with asterisks. How about D-i-c-k-i-e-’-s. Will that beat the censors.

    @ 11:24 pm on August 23, 2011

  35. Calling Jack Perkins …

    http://www.moviesounds.com/redoct/oneping.mp3

    @ 11:28 pm on August 23, 2011

  36. [...] Mussels, Wee Willie's, Twig and Berries. would these be operated by Side … Read more on D Magazine Pissed-off Italian women are protesting the culture of sexism promoted on Prime Minister Silvio [...]

    @ 2:00 am on August 24, 2011

  37. OK unclekrud here it comes, so to speak:

    NASCAR themed – Pole Position

    Golf themed – FORE. Calamari is their specialty.

    English Pub – The Baby Arms

    Burger Joint – Maypole and Rooter.

    @ 7:29 am on August 24, 2011

  38. @Chris Rusty Taco was the first Dallas candidate

    @ 8:44 am on August 24, 2011

  39. Someone told me The Velvet Taco (newly opened on Henderson) was code for the most intimate part of the female anatomy. Really.

    @ 9:29 am on August 24, 2011

  40. Too funny, great stuff!! In Tyler there is a huge scandal over Double D’s Bar & Grill opening up to replace the old El Chico. The bible totin’, scripture quotin’ folks around here are in a tizzy. Especially since this place will share a parking lot with Toys R Us. God forbid our children see young ladies in daisy dukes and crop tops. If this place opens, the whole town is going to hell, I’m tellin you. Funny thing is, they haven’t figured out that just because it’s opening doesn’t mean you have to go there. I could really send these people over the edge if I went to the courthouse and filled out a DBA for Twin Pricks or Long Dong Silvers or any other of the clever names you suggested. Gotta go I’m headed to the courthouse!! You may hear about me on the 6pm news, haha.

    @ 9:30 am on August 24, 2011

  41. A Velvet Taco is a purse?

    @ 10:02 am on August 24, 2011

  42. cockfails

    @ 10:34 am on August 24, 2011

  43. For Breakfast,you could go to the International House of Mancakes. They have giant sausage links.

    @ 10:35 am on August 24, 2011

  44. The answer is pretty simple: From a perspective of what we consider palatable in western society, male genitals are far more offensive than boobs.

    Boobs are already everywhere. Magazine covers, stuff in bikini tops, peeking out from deep v-neck tops at clubs.

    Where do we see male genitals? Nowhere. Except for those terribly embarrassing truck nuts.

    @ 10:56 am on August 24, 2011

  45. There is a lil HOT SPOT next to the Grapevine Bar on Maple called Quickies. Highly recommended.

    @ 11:57 am on August 24, 2011

  46. Isn’t PD Johnson’s a peterie?

    @ 12:28 pm on August 24, 2011

  47. “Big Eye Johnson”

    @ 12:28 pm on August 24, 2011

  48. Dick’s Last Resort

    @ 3:56 pm on August 24, 2011

  49. “Peckers was a huge flop” = best line of the thread.

    Anyway, for what it’s worth, breasts are not the analog of a penis. The equivalent to a Peterie (A+ on that one, BTW) would be something like Lou’s Labial Lounge or Aunt Vulva’s Tex-Mex or Cleo’s Clitoral Hood. (Where you’ll always get your cervix with a smile!) Wow, female parts have more parts. Y’ever notice?

    But seriously: Do you honestly think we men would go to a place like that? And is there anybody out there who’s interested in an investment opportunity?

    @ 4:32 pm on August 24, 2011

  50. OMG, Daniel.

    @ 4:36 pm on August 24, 2011

  51. Daniel, Peterie is the category like Breastaurants. And your a boy so you can tell me breasts aren’t the analog of a penis. Our premise (am I really typing this) was to name restaurants after boy’s parts. And no I don’t think men would go to a Twin Pricks because this is all a made up scenario and a fun way to waste time. If there was money to made in Peteries, it would be being made.

    Off topic: I hate the taco names. I can NOT bring myself to order a Dirty Sanchez at TOrcheys and EVEN I am embarrassed to see people order them for their kids.

    @ 5:55 pm on August 24, 2011

  52. Nancy, I got the premise. Sorry if I sounded hostile, I was just being goofy. Insofar as I had a point, it was that breasts are innocuous compared to the genitalia of either gender. Certainly they’re more sanitary.

    Which brings us to taco names: Totally with you. Sexual humor can be okay up to a point, but scatalogical humor? In a restaurant?

    @ 10:29 am on August 25, 2011

  53. No Daniel. I got your goofiness guess you didn’t get mine! thanks for playing.

    @ 12:44 pm on August 25, 2011