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Somebody Help This Poor Boy: Make Up Wine

Boys are bad. They can’t help themselves. “Mischievous” is imprinted on their DNA. This dude has his hat in his hand because he got caught with his hand somewhere else. Problem is, it was his left hand and we all know what is wrapped around his ring finger. Yes, he’s pitiful, but we can be forgiving. Listen to him wimper.

Hey Nancy, Please don’t use my name. But I would like your advice for a special bottle of wine. My wife and I had a huge fight and I want to get her a nice bottle of wine not champagne. She is really into wine and has taken a lot of courses about it but I don’t know &*^%. I don’t care about the price. Like I said she is really mad. (Yes, I did what you think) Can you just ask your readers about wine without using my name or initials. Thanks.

Well, sure JPW, I don’t mind at all. Hit it (him) kids. Make that pocketbook sting.

34 comments on “Somebody Help This Poor Boy: Make Up Wine

  1. Dude, F the wine. If you did what I think you did, you need to step it up to Diamonds. That being said, if you really want some good wines, contact Rudy Ced at Sacred Cellars ( . He is very knowledgeable and can help you get your hands on some rare bottles that most places wont carry.

    By the way, you’re a douche bag for cheating on your wife.

  2. Does she like red or white?

    Stricly sticking w/ US stuff:
    White: Far Niente chardonnay NEVER disappoints, Williams-Selyem also does a nice chardonnay
    Red: anything Nickel & Nickel (sister winery to Far Niente), any red you get from Foxen won’t sting the wallet so much but will impress since it can be tough a one to find and phenomenal.

    If you’re going to whop the wallet: anything from COlgin Cellars, Grace Family, Harlan Estate or Screaming Eagle…most of them 4-digit cult cabs.

    If you did something that bad – get a unique bottle and some bling. It will go a long way.

  3. If he did what i think he did, and thinks one bottle of wine will make up for it, then he might as well go for the cheap stuff as it would have the same results.

    Take a trip to Napa and buy her a case of whatever she wants. Cheaper than a divorce.

  4. How big of a douche bag are you? Nothing says you’re sorry like emailing a local food blog for advice on expensive wine to suck up to your wife for being a pig?

    Save your money for a deposit on an apartment, do both of yourselves a favor and take a hike.

  5. Completely agree with Jojo. That would be something special. I’m pretty sure she’ll see through your expensive bottle of wine. Show that you actually want to spend time with her doing something she likes.

  6. I’d go for an empty bottle rather than a full one. Advantages as follows:

    1. It might break on her first shot at your head, thus ending the beating (beware of the “bar-fight-esque” shrapnel handle after breakage if she’s particulary volatile).

    2. Even if it just thuds off of your head/shoulder/arm, it will be much lighter than a full bottle. After all F=ma and p=mv, and we’re going for less mass here.

    3. If she has a gun, you’ve given her a target to aim for instead of you. Everyone likes shooting empty bottles.

    I’d go for a car or jewelry if you’re really trying to buy your way out of this. Or, save your money and just spend it on a younger, more attractive, new wife.

  7. Stawberry Hill, it’s expensive but well worth it.
    A couple of straws, some romantic tunes ( Barry White), find a secluded spot to park the trailer and in no time all will be forgiven.

  8. @Megan and @Jojo nailed it. If said dog in question is able to recover from his dog-dom, and if money is no object, then his first trip needs to be to Bachendorfs, followed by a trip to Rudi Steele to plan the-best-ever trip to Bordeaux for her and several of her girlfriends, while he stays bound at home (with an ankle monitor). He doesn’t get to enjoy the trip.

  9. Dude, you should try Chateau Shetforbrains – because if you cheated on your wife and actually think that any material item will compensate for your stupidity, then you def have fecal matter where your brain should be.

  10. I agree with the others. If you think a bottle of wine will do it, you’re sorely mistaken… matter how much she loves wine.

  11. Rudy @ Sacred Cellars is the way to go!
    But due to the severity of the situation, I would @ least look into a case!

  12. This guy’s letter is about as real as the letters in Penthouse Forum (so I’ve heard…). In fact, it smells like one of those rogue PR stunts, by Sacred Cellars perhaps?

  13. All you need to do is get her wine? Then you email the blog to ask about the wine? Either a) this is a joke; b) I am misunderstanding what you might have done wrong; or c) your wife is really easy (not like a whore easy, but easy like a stripper easy ie “here baby, drink this and it will all be alright”).

    What a pathetic couple you must be.

  14. Dear Cheatie McCheaterson:

    The fact that you don’t know how to adequately apologize for cheating on your wife is only secondary to the fact that you think a bottle of wine will get her to forgive you.

    You, sir, are a douche canoe.

    That being said, a full bottle of wine can be an excellent blunt object. So make sure you get her one that comes in an unusually thick glass bottle, so she can drink up after she bludgeons you with it.


  15. “Yes, I did what you think”

    Maybe he accidentally shrunk her favorite sweater?

    Or Maybe he finally gave into his crossdressing desires?

    Man, Dallas readers are so quick to judge.


  16. On second thought, you could always buy her your girlfriend’s favorite wine- worked at least once, right?

  17. @Brad – I think you think you are funny, but you aren’t. He should get her a gym membership, running shoes, an ipod, and an armband so she can get herself back into shape so he doesn’t wander. Clearly her fault and she should be ashamed for driving him into another woman’s arms.

    Who’s with me?

  18. @TK, you’ve shown me the error of my ways. Domestic violence isn’t the answer – Pilates is.

  19. @Brad – I’m glad that we all learned something here today. Men shouldn’t abuse their wives with empty wine bottles and if they cheat, its probably the wife’s fault for not hitting the gym.

  20. @TK – If he was a REAL man he would make enough money so his wife can get implants and lipo. Eff the gym.

  21. Oh, JS and Misty, this is good stuff. Never thought of SideDish as a dating service but why not. I could use a date. If you guys hook up let us know so we can find a wine for you. Bethany, thanks for widening my vocab to include douche canoe. I emailed the guilty party earlier to see if he’d made a decision and haven’t heard back.

  22. Neil at Pogo’s not only dispenses great wine advice, he has been dispensing “Free Advice” on the shores of White Rock Lake on weekends for more than a decade. Let us know what he says.

  23. double standard alert!!

    women or men suggesting violence towards said cheater are hypocrites at best

  24. @TLS For the record, I did not post such a story and don’t know who the guy is in this story. It might be a good way to get the word out there about my little shop, but apparently others did it for me and that I’m thankful for. Thanks for those who speak highly about Sacred and I hope it continues.