Welcome to the I’m-at-the-beach-and-don’t-have-Tivo edition. Due to my lack of Tivo, I couldn’t rewind if I missed something. I’m bummed because all I wanted to do was rewind and pause it on that picture of Ed and his dad. What. A. Mustache. Let’s re-stache (get it?) this week’s episode, shall we? Jump for it.
As the show opens, the cheftestants are still whining about the middle-school drama that went down last week. Amanda is sad that Jacqueline went home. Hold on. Wasn’t it kind of Amanda’s fault? She spent too much money on alcohol and left Jacqueline with basically nothing. I think guilt is what she’s feeling. Alpha Male is still upset that Angelo keeps beating him, but he cheered up when he got a letter from his girlfriend, Juicy. Yes, his girlfriend’s name (or most likely nickname) is Juicy. I’m not even going to try to guess why. And Angelo is bummed because his winning streak has alienated him from all the other cheftestants. Womp, womp.
Anyways, this week’s QFC has got to be one of the easiest in QFC history: make a pie in two hours. One pie! In two whole hours! That’s it! Yet, all the chefs act like they’ve never seen or eaten a pie before. I believe Amanda said she’s never made one. Seriously? Sure, I understand that desserts have gotten a bad rep on on this show – the only people sent home this season made desserts. But they’re all professional chefs. They should know how to make a pie. I guess they played hooky during Desserts 101 in culinary school.
Our guest judge for this challenge is Johnny Iuzzini, the host of Top Chef Desserts. That’s why this challenge is so easy! It’s a plug for the new show! Well played, Bravo, well played. Tamesha says Johnny is hot. Come on. He looks like a brunette version of Johnny Bravo. Tamesha, where were you last week? You obviously didn’t see my boyfriend Sam.
So, the chefs get started on their first pies ever. Tracey forgot to measure her ingredients and had to start over. Alex didn’t even know the definition of a pie and made a quiche. Ed made a celery/peanut butter pie. That sounds disgusting. And aren’t those the same ingredients that put Angelo in the bottom last week?
I have in my notes that Arnold said, “Pies live in clouds with unicorns.” This would be another moment in which TiVo would have come in handy. Did anyone understand what he was talking about? It sounds like something crazy Kelly from the Real Housewives of New York would say.
Padma announces that she is hungry, and the judging begins. Tracey, Alex, and Ed are in the bottom. Kelly, Stephen, and Alpha Male are on top. The judges declare Alpha Male’s bananas foster pie the best. He’s happy to have finally won a challenge. The camera pans to Angelo sobbing alone in the corner.
The Elimination Challenge is to prepare a summer picnic for Capitol Hill bitches (Arnold’s words, not mine) at Mount Vernon. Most of the chefs are pretty pumped to test out their grill skills, but Arnold is just worried the heat from the grill is going to clog his pores. Ugh. The guest judge is Jonathan Waxman, grill master and Obi-Wan Kenobi of Top Chef. He’s no Sam, but he is entertaining nonetheless. (I promise that is the last time I reference Sam.)
The chefs prepare their pic-a-nic baskets, Yogi bear style. Amanda tackles grandpa at the market while trying to find her ingredients, Tracey is going crazy because she doesn’t have enough time to stuff sausage, and Ed has lots of s— going on. Meanwhile, our girl Tiffany just sits back and laughs.
Amanda gets in a fight with Alex because Alex put his dish in her oven. It’s hers because she labeled it, duh. So, instead of simply putting her dish in one of the other 23 available ovens, Amanda takes Alex’s dish out and then yells at him. Last week it was middle school drama, and now we’ve officially reverted back to elementary school. Tom walks in, spanks both of them on the bottom with a ruler, and makes them sit in time out.
Back at home, the chefs question Amanda’s cooking skills. She takes a drag of her cigarette trying to look cool, hoping they’ll start to take her seriously. Yeah right. I really wish Amanda would pack her knives and go home. Now. We also found out that she had a drug problem in the past. I mean, she’s crazy. But I wouldn’t have guessed that.
The next day, the chefs head to Mount Vernon to prepare their meals for lots of hungry interns. Arnold, while constantly blotting his delicate skin, copies everything Alpha Male does because he doesn’t know the first thing about starting a grill. Alex is making pork butt, which sounds like the worst decision ever. But he says he would “eat the ass out of this pig all day.” That did not help his case. Then, a bird pooped on Tim’s table. Some of the poop must have gotten in the food, because the judges were not pleased. “Maybe the bird knew something we didn’t,” Tom said. I guess you could say Tim was having a crappy day.
Now for the judges’ table. In the top: Arnold, Ed, Amanda, and Angelo. And the winner was Arnold. The guy who was afraid that grilling would clog his pores and doesn’t know how to start a grill. I wonder if Tracey’s psychic abilities predicted that, because I sure didn’t.
In the bottom: Tim (watery beans and wilted greens), Stephen (unappealing bass and greasy couscous), Kevin (safe Puerto Rican food), and Tracey (fennel burgers). They tell Tracey to pack her knives and go. Her butter pie and raw burgers just didn’t cut it. Another decision I didn’t see coming. We just found out she’s psychic! I thought the producers would have kept her around for a couple more weeks for sure!