Several Dishers e-mailed me yesterday and asked me to post my “score” for the Omnivore’s Hundred. So I took an hour out of my life and did it (posted after the jump). About a third of the way through, I realized why, the first time I saw this list, I dismissed it. The main problem is that it was generated in England. Before you go all nutso on me for characterizing the Brits as conservative eaters (which they are) let me explain. This (silly) list comes from a culture that doesn’t eat salsa every day so how are we, as Texans or people living in Dallas, supposed to relate to it.
Nation, if we really wanted to be cool, we would create our own Dallas-specific list and pollinate the web with it. Of course we wouldn’t use any $50 words like locavore, omnivore, or gastronome. We’d call it something like “Dallas: Eat! or Die!” (explanation marks optional) and make it a daring culinary scavenger hunt of our area. Let’s workshop this idea over the long (thank the lord) weekend and start compiling on Tuesday. Meanwhile, here goes.
1. Venison. Seriously? This is stupid. Poor lead-off hitter.
2. Nettle tea. I have arthritis. Also picked it. Ate cheese wrapped in nettle. Next.
3. Huevos rancheros. I am not dignifying this with an answer. Oh, I guess I did. What. Ever.
4. Steak tartare. Love it. Medium to medium-well. (96 more?)
5. Crocodile. Can say yes to this if it tastes like chicken and it was served to me in Hong Kong in 1984.
6. Black pudding. British for blood sausage. The chorizo of England.
7. Cheese fondue. I was at my prime in the 70s so do not insult me.
8. Carp. Dated more of them than I ate, but yes.
9. Borscht. New York and Prague.
10. Baba ghanoush. At Baba’s house and on Greenville Avenue in Dallas.
11. Calamari. I wish I could swear at the time I am wasting on this project.
12. Pho. In Cambodia and Vietnam and Carrollton, should I go on?
13. PB&J sandwich. I have no idea what this item is. Must be made from Vegemite.
14. Aloo gobi. Bended my tongue like Beckham.
15. Hot dog from a street cart. OMG, yes. And I lived.
16. Epoisses. Understand, I am not using Google. Not sure here. Is this the cheese that has the carving wheel knife on top of it and is ungodly stinky? If so, then yes. Yuck.
17. Black truffle. FOOD SNOB ALERT: Hunted for them in France and cooked with them.
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes. Does Spinada count?
19. Steamed pork buns. Char Siu Bao buns in San Francisco. Used to FedEx them home.
20. Pistachio ice cream. Chinatown New York.
21. Heirloom tomatoes. Seriously? This is 2008.
22. Fresh wild berries. No, never. My mother would never forgive me.
23. Foie gras. You mean liver? From a fat, abused duck. Well, sure. Fed the freakin’ duck myself.
24. Rice and beans. Name a country.
25. Brawn, or head cheese. Eaten it and given it. (Hope this is buried low enough)
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper. Jamacian me crazy here.
27. Dulce de leche. This is so Chowhound.
28. Oysters. Fresh from the Helford River with a sassy Muscadet.
29. Baklava. Jennifer Chininis in our office makes the best.
30. Bagna cauda. Crap. Am I stumped here? Where is Alfonso when I need him. Hot something? Sauce?
31. Wasabi peas. Weekly.
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl. I hate sourdough bowls. Mainstream in Preston Forest circa 1999.
33. Salted lassi. I never ate a Collie in my life.
34. Sauerkraut. Where should I start? That little smoky little café in Essen?
35. Root beer float. Red Rawley’s Drug Store. Preston Forest. 1959.
36. Cognac with a fat cigar. Calluaud’s in Dallas, circa 1977. Vomited for 3 days.
37. Clotted cream tea. Have the thighs to prove it.
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O. I was late to this party, but arrived.
39. Gumbo. Never heard of it.
40. Oxtail. Which continent do you want?
41. Curried goat. Poor little Billy, I loved him so.
42. Whole insects. Some even on purpose. Fried beetles in Africa. Yum.
43. Phaal. I don’t eat anything with too many vowels.
44. Goat’s milk. Before or after I killed it?
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more. Which year? I mean £60 in the ‘70s was rock gut whiskey.
46. Fugu. Too Madonna-West-Hollywood-Celebrity-hype fish for me.
47. Chicken tikka masala. Boring.
48. Eel. Ate one. Married one.
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut. In the food halls at Harrod’s.
50. Sea urchin. OMG-NO!
51. Prickly pear. Great margaritas.
52. Umeboshi. Your welcome.
53. Abalone. One of my favorite colors.
54. Paneer. Good lord, do you Brits really think this is a stretch?
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal. Call the food police.
56. Spaetzle. Bathed in it.
57. Dirty gin martini. Filthy and blurry.
58. Beer above 8%. Please, this is England. Oh wait, it’s Dallas. Um. Yeah.
59. Poutine. I’m a Canadian-American. Duh.
60. Carob chips. Health food is my life.
61. S’mores. At camp or Tillman’s?
62. Sweetbreads. France or Colorado or in the back of the car? Need specifics.
63. Kaolin. Is that OJ’s guy. I moved from LA before he was born.
64. Currywurst. Good title for a short story.
65. Durian. Not only have I eaten this, I have stepped in a rotting one and had to hike all day with it on my shoes.
66. Frogs’ legs. Frog was still kicking.
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake. Well, which one pasty face?
68. Haggis. I’ve been called one and eaten it at the British Open.
69. Fried plantain. I would never do that to Chiquita.
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette. The next thing you know, I’m going to have to explain my brother’s short arms.
71. Gazpacho. Gesundheit!
72. Caviar and blini. Prague, New York, China, London…I do not have all day.
73. Louche absinthe. “Green Fairy” is my middle name.
74. Gjetost, or brunost. Crap. I mean not the food, just that I’m stumped here. Must be Scandinavian. You win.
75. Roadkill. I really did want to eat my ex-husband after he screwed the stripper, but my lawyer advised me against it.
76. Baijiu. Erika? No, I am now completely hetero.
77. Hostess Fruit Pie. Like I just said-I am completely hetero.
78. Snail. No snail, just escargot.
79. Lapsang souchong. I beg your pardon, that is too personal.
80. Bellini. Ah, Florence. Great shoe shopping.
81. Tom yum. Tom was a year ahead of me at RHS. Cute, but he dated cheerleaders.
82. Eggs Benedict. This is stupid.
83. Pocky. I loved that cartoon but Gumby was my favorite.
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant. Only three: Jean-George, La Pergola, Alain “$3,500 for 5 with two bottles of wine” Ducasse. (Rip off)
85. Kobe beef. And Bryant. Sorry, easy way out. I’m tired of this.
86. Hare. A wittle wabbit? Hell, yes. Actually Bolla at the Stoneleigh does a nice job on Thumper.
87. Goulash. The whole archipelago? I’m dieting.
88. Flowers. I’m a child of the 60s. Blasphemy.
89. Horse. Flicka burger in France.
90. Criollo chocolate. Crap, Scott at dallasfood.org is watching me now. I’m nervous.
91. Spam. Camp Davis!
92. Soft shell crab. Smeared with Vegemite.
93. Rose harissa. Great name for a stripper.
94. Catfish. Sideways.
95. Mole poblano. Male dancer? Monica, come home. We miss you.
96. Bagel and lox. A la Annie Hall: With mayo, lettuce, and tomato in Brooklyn in the 70s.
97. Lobster Thermidor. I would never do that to a lobster.
98. Polenta. You limeys need to get off that island.
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee. Drank it and smoked it.
100. Snake. Again, we are divorced. However, I still remember the rattlesnake served at Dotty Griffith’s wedding in the 70s.
[UPDATE: Sorry, I just read this for the first time. It was a one take and I have no idea how to fill those stupid gaps between numbers. And I don't want any grammar or spelling comments.]